[Gue]

LOL!!

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car
and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and
the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before thecar
hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned
the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the
window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,
gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the darkand
stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and
seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
..........
-
-
-
-
-
-
- 'Look Paddy.....there's that ******* idiot that got in the car while we
were pushing it!!!!

[stacieberry]

To many funny ones! Thanks for the laughs tonight yall!!

[Gue]

A meek accountant, who was also a very religious man, prayed long and hard that God would appear to him. One day, his prayers were answered.

"What can I do for you?" asked God.

"I can't believe that You would take the time to visit me, a meek accountant. Compared to You, I am just a speck of dust, while You are so great and powerful," said the accountant.

"That's right," said God.

"And a million years is just like a minute to You," said the accountant.

"Right again, a million years is just like a minute to Me."

"And a million dollars is just like a penny to You."

"You're right there, too. A million dollars is just like a penny to Me."

"Well, God," asked the accountant, "do You think You might be able to lend me a few pennies?"

"Of course, my child," boomed the answer, "just wait a minute."

[Gue]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

[Ohs]

What did the zero say to the eight? "Nice belt!"...

[sandgirl]

THINGS YOU'D NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Do you think my hair is too big?
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
The tires on that truck are too big.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
Damned if that polititian ain't honest!
We're vegetarians.
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
You can't feed that to the dog.
Trim the fat off that steak.
I just love the Opera
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
Wrasslin's fake.

[sandgirl]

UPSETTING THE STEWARDESS
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"

[linicx]

A fifty year old woman went to her doctor for her annnual chekcup. He noted her physical condition and after all the tests he said, "You are in good health for your ages, and our body is in vvery good condition because you exercise, Go home and tell your husband he should be very proud. you have the physique of a twenty year old."

She goes home and tells hubby. He says, "What did the doctor say about your sagging butt?"

"Nothing", she replied sweetly, "you wern't mentioned".


.

[Rainbow Island]

A president of his homeowners association in a Dallas , Texas suburb was having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community
The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county and police and got no help there either
So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The 'Inner Neighborhood Services' group and arranged to go out at lunch time and 'police' the trash them selves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious.
They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials 'INS' embroidered in red and gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for (Immigration and Naturalization).
]After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet.
]It has been ten days now. The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say any thing publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically, "Have at itSO, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!
Don't forget to pay your taxes, 12 million illegal aliens are depending on you.

[sandgirl]

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer