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Old 03-15-2009, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,345,306 times
Reputation: 691

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QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!




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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


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Can you cry under water?


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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


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Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


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What disease did cured ham actually have?


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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.


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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!


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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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Old 03-15-2009, 10:48 AM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,345,306 times
Reputation: 691
Genie

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a

White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',

says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians

can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;

it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,

smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'
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Old 03-15-2009, 11:08 AM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,345,306 times
Reputation: 691
Mildred's Heart

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart
since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the
vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her
doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left
breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her knee.
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Old 03-15-2009, 12:12 PM
 
9,727 posts, read 3,452,127 times
Reputation: 10761
Q: What is the definition of a "mind like a steel trap?"
A: Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Q: Waht is the difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist?
A: The taxidermist leaves the hide.

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam.
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Old 03-15-2009, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,345,306 times
Reputation: 691
OK Sandgirl, I guess it's my turn.


Now for a reality check, dare to compare:

Please read all the way to the end.



I was born in one country, raised in another. My father was born in another country. I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women.

I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me. My mother died at an early age from cancer.

Later in life, questions arose over my real name.

My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.

I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my country, but

I practiced non-traditional beliefs & didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.

I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.

That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career.

I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.

I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s. They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything. That reinforced my conceit.

I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.

I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego.

At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy. I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every opportunity to bash my country.

But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better and every poor person would be fed & housed for free.

I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks & corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate them and if they were envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.

I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to all people.

I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics & was able to gain widespread popular support.

I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope' , together we could change our country and the world.

So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities" like the Jews. My true views were not widely known & I needed to keep them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.

I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with.

I'm glad they didn't. Then I became the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth.

Who am I?







ADOLF HITLER.



WHO WERE YOU THINKING OF?
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Old 03-15-2009, 12:39 PM
 
9,727 posts, read 3,452,127 times
Reputation: 10761
It has just been reported that the head gardener at the White house has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to many US presidents. When interviewed, the gardener protested his innocence and said, "All I did was go into the oval office and ask, "Has anyone seen the spade and hoe?"
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Old 03-15-2009, 01:15 PM
 
Location: Fordyce Arkansas
1,269 posts, read 2,072,273 times
Reputation: 1496
Ok I know I was told to get off of here to spend time with hubby but I got one: a blond walks into a hair salon and wants to get her hair cut. The blond has a portable CD player and listening to it. When it is the blonds turn to get her hair cut the stylist tells the blond to take the head set off. The blond said she can not take it off because it is a matte of life and death and she must keep listening to it. The stylist is like ok whatever I will just be careful! While cutting the blond's hair the lady accidently unplugged the head set and the blond dies. The styliest wonder what was on the CD that keep the blond alive so she puts the head set on and listens. The CD played breath in breath out breath in breath out!
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Old 03-15-2009, 02:17 PM
 
165 posts, read 458,337 times
Reputation: 74
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi."We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on,"what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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Old 03-15-2009, 02:24 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,345,306 times
Reputation: 691
Ok, My turn.





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Old 03-15-2009, 02:55 PM
 
Location: In The Outland
6,023 posts, read 11,543,285 times
Reputation: 3535
The toothbrush was invented in one of these states,
Arkansas, Texas, Montana or West Virginia. After extensive research it has been determined that it was invented in Arkansas. Reason ? Because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a "TEETHBRUSH" ! ! !
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