[sandgirl]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[sandgirl]

[SIZE=2]Differences Between You And Your Boss[/SIZE][SIZE=2]When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.
[/SIZE]

[sandgirl]

[SIZE=2]30 Minutes To A Cleaner House[/SIZE][SIZE=2]You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much
less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning.
Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is
intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it
handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem
drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no
fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens
represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which
means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty
clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight
when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes

SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger.
CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
Time: 2.5 minutes

SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart
believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed
or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest
of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide
whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to
Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
Time: 4 minutes

SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under
what you can dust around.
Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 9: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place
people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes
way too long and no one looks there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

SECRET TIP 10: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic,
but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds

SECRET TIP 11: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things
are made up or not, saving you hundreds of seconds over the
course of a lifetime.
Time: 0

SECRET TIP 12: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 13:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even
think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home[/SIZE]

[Rainbow Island]

Sign in anINDIANA store front window

'WE WOULD RATHER ]DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting,Indiana. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.However, we are a society which holds freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.

Answer:





Owen's Funeral Home

[stacieberry]

Generous lawyer


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.

Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,

"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea...

"On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[stacieberry]

Originally Posted by sandgirl

[size=2]30 minutes to a cleaner house[/size][size=2]you're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.

What will you do?

Secret tip 1: Door locks
if a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much
less 30 minutes--employ the locked door method of cleaning.
Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is
intentionally locked.
Caution: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds

secret tip 2: Duct tape
no home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it
handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem
drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no
fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes

secret tip 3: Ovens
if you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens
represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which
means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty
clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight
when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes

secret tip 4: Clothes dryers
like secret tip 3, except bigger.
Caution: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
Time: 2.5 minutes

secret tip 5: Washing machines & freezers
like secret tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes

secret tip 6: Dust ruffles
no bed should be without one. Devotees of martha stewart
believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed
or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest
of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide
whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (refer to
secret tips 3, 4, 5.)
time: 4 minutes

secret tip 7: Dusting
the 30-minutes-to-a-clean-house method says: Never dust under
what you can dust around.
Time: 3 minutes

secret tip 8: Dishes
don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute

secret tip 9: Vacuuming
stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place
people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes
way too long and no one looks there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

secret tip 10: Lighting
the key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic,
but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds

secret tip 11: Bed making
get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things
are made up or not, saving you hundreds of seconds over the
course of a lifetime.
Time: 0

secret tip 12: Showers, toilets, and sinks
forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute

secret tip 13:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even
think about inviting a martha stewart type to your home[/size]

lol!!

[stacieberry]

Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[stacieberry]

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.


Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,

"Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[sandgirl]

Originally Posted by stacieberry

Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks

Originally Posted by stacieberry

Alligator Shoes

good ones, stacie!

[Rainbow Island]

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
> Clean skin.
> A winning smile.
> That unforgettable Southern drawl.
>
> Southern women know their manners:
> 'Yes, ma'am.'
> 'Yes, sir.'
> 'Why, no, Billybob
>
> Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
> 'Y'all come back!'
> 'Well, bless your heart.'
> 'Drop by when you can.'
> 'How's your Momma?'
>
> Southern women know their summer weather report:
> Humidity
> Humidity
> Humidity
>
> Southern women know their vacation spots:
> The beach
> The rivuh
> The crick
>
> Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
> Colorful hi-heel sandals
> Strapless sun dresses
> Iced sweet tea with mint
> Straw hats and big sunglasses
>
> Southern women know everybody's first name:
> Honey
> Darliing
> Shugah
>
> Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
> Fried Green Tomatoes
> Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
> Steel Magnolias
> Gone With The Wind
>
> Southern women know their religions:
> Baptist
> Methodist
> Football
>
> Southern women know their country breakfasts:
> Red-eye gravy
> Grits
> Eggs
> Country ham
> Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
>
> Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
> Chawl'stn
> S'vanah
> Foat Wuth
> N'awlins
> Addlanna
>
> Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
> Men in uniform.
> Men in tuxedos
> Rhett Butler

> Southern girls know their prime real estate:
> The Mall
> The Country Club
> The Beauty Salon
>
> Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
> Having bad hair and nails
> Having bad manners
> Cooking bad food
>

> More Suth en-ism's:
> Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and
> a conniption fit , and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.
> Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
> greens, peas, beans, etc, make up 'a mess.'
> Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general
> direction of 'yonder.'
> Only a Southerner knows exactly how long 'directly' is, as in:
> 'Going to town, be back directly.'
> Even Southern babies know that 'Gimme some sugar' is not a
> request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a
> pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
> All Southerners know exactly when 'by and by' is. They might
> not use the term, but they know the concept well.
> Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
> solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried
> chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad . If the neighbor's
> trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
> Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between 'right
> near' and 'a right far piece.' They also know that 'just down
> the road' can be 1 mile or 20 miles.
> Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference
> between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
> No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the
> flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
> A Southerner knows that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb,
> or an adverb.
> Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, and when
> we're 'in line,' we talk to everybody!
> Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
> they're related, even if only by marriage.
> In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
> Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
> Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
> coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a
> breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
> When you hear someone say, 'Well, I caught myself lookin',' you
> know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
> Only true Southerners say 'sweet tea, ''sweet milk,' and 'light
> bread' . Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it
> -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. 'Sweet milk' means you
> don't want buttermilk. And 'Light bread' is white bread.
> And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at
> little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just
> say ,'Bless her heart' ... and go your own way.
> To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your
> Southernness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage
> gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
> And to those of you who are still having a hard time
> understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your
> hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
> Southernness as a second language!
> And for those that are not from the South but have lived
> here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on
> y'alls front porch that reads 'I ain't from the South, but
> I got here as fast as I could.'
> Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
> Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in
> the South or wish they had been!
> If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart,
fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.