[sandgirl]

Bad News, Good News & Really Great News
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[sandgirl]

A Run In With a Train
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
This steam engine rolls around the corner and hits the man -- but only a glancing blow -- and he is thrown to the side of the tracks, suffering some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[Rainbow Island]

Redneck check list
REDNECK CHECK LIST
You only need to check three of these in order to qualify.
Any three will do.

___The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

___You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
Women only.

___You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting the old lady drunk.

___Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

___Your wife has ever said,
"Move this transmission so I can take a bath."

___You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

___You clean your fingernails with a stick.

___You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

___Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

___You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.

___You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

___There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

___You ever got too drunk to fish.

You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
Must show diploma.

___Directions to your house include:
"Turn off the paved road."

___The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
Extra Credit

___Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

___You think the French Riviera is a foreign car

___You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.

___ You've ever financed a tattoo.

___The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.

___You've ever bought a used hat.

___You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.

___You're considered an expert on worm beds.

___You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

___Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.

___"Bambi" made you hungry for venison.

___You learned to drive in a monster truck.

You spit chewing tobacco in the plants.
Applies to both men & women.

___Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.

___You believe books are bad luck.

___You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition.

___You believe all-star wrestling.

___You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.

___You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.

How did you do?

[Rainbow Island]

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM:
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC WT: Accepted as 120 lbs. but varies from 90 to 600
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields when pressure is applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great attraction to gold, silver, platinum and
precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without warning or for any known
reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by
saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars and sailboats.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

TESTS:
1. Specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural
state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Unlawful to possess more than one.
3. Exceedingly volatile every 28 days.

[Rainbow Island]

Fifty*Years of*Math 1957 - 2009
Last week I purchased a burger at*Wendy's for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution*in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100. El costo de la produccion es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

[sandgirl]

THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 pm instead of 7 am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

[Bull Winkus]

If it's good for the Gander...

A Texan walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles... The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

The Texan answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure that if I have to roll my own, so can she!"

[sandgirl]

No Money For Food
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two metres tall!"

[Bull Winkus]

What's Going On?...


One evening Bob's boss needed to call him about an urgent problem with the computer. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?"

"Yes." whispered the small voice.

"May I talk to him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes." came the whispered answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at Bob's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy." whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman." came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper." answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

With awe in his voice, the child wispered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What's going on? Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, "I'm playin' hide-n-seek. They're looking for me!"

[Rainbow Island]

Pharmacy
> A young, good looking Cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and> asked to talk to a male pharmacist.>>The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist andas> she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.> She then asked if she could help him.>>The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more> comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.>>The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional> and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that> she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.>>The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for meto> discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems> and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for> it.'>>The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to mysister.' When she> returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we> can do is as follows:>>1/3 ownership in the store,>>A company pickup truck, and>>$3,000 a month living expenses.