[sandgirl]

A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty, and decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
While the man enjoyed the soup, a little pet pig kept running around the kitchen and then running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The man commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The lady replied, "He's actually not that friendly. It's just that's his bowl you're using"

[sandgirl]

An old miser at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greeted him with appropriate jubilation and escorted him to his new abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions they finally arrived at a dilapidated old shack at the end of the street.
The old miser, much taken aback, asked, "Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others have fine mansions?" "Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us."

[Rainbow Island]

NEWS FLASH- Arkansas' worst air disaster occurred when a small
two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama
students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue
workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb
as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived
and are helping in the recovery efforts.

[sandgirl]

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's
garden.

"I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing
to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two
pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the
farmer's hand. "I'll pick it up in about a week."

[sandgirl]

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a
series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss
said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"

"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm
quitting tomorrow."

[Rainbow Island]

Home Security System‏
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4 Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

[Rainbow Island]

Misdirected Mail
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find her e-mail address on his computer, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound of her hitting the floor, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

YOUR LOVING HUSBAND

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

[Rainbow Island]

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das Wasser nicht.
Die Kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."

Which means:

"Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I do not understand your gibberish... Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man calmly says:
"Use two hands, and you'll get more!"

[sandgirl]

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those divorces.”
The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”
The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”
The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”
The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”
The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”
The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”
And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

[sandgirl]

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."