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Old 07-03-2009, 04:49 PM
25,449 posts, read 9,814,717 times
Reputation: 25234


A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet.Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do."

He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.

The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $330." the vet replied.

"I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330????"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
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Old 07-03-2009, 04:50 PM
25,449 posts, read 9,814,717 times
Reputation: 25234
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral

spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the

blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we

have if we placed a "K" in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
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Old 07-04-2009, 09:21 AM
Location: Blue Ash, Ohio (Cincinnati)
2,786 posts, read 5,188,631 times
Reputation: 705
LOL great stuff everyone! And happy 4th!
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Old 07-04-2009, 08:58 PM
25,449 posts, read 9,814,717 times
Reputation: 25234
The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.

"This time you're doing fine!" exclaimed the instructor. "Yes," the novice driver agreed.

"Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes."
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Old 07-05-2009, 07:47 AM
9,404 posts, read 3,225,045 times
Reputation: 10305

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you will have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss, you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster. (Works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water and covered with soap, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone with whom you do not want to be seen.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine will not work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you do not know about what you are talking.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it is ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
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Old 07-05-2009, 07:57 AM
9,404 posts, read 3,225,045 times
Reputation: 10305
When asked by a higher officer how some compulsive gamblers were doing as sailors, the captain said, "Generally fine, except when they hear, All hands on deck, then they all pick up their cards!"
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Old 07-05-2009, 07:58 AM
9,404 posts, read 3,225,045 times
Reputation: 10305
A big-city resident was spending his vacation in a small town in the country. Chatting with a local in the coffee shop, he asked. "Do you know any big people who were born here?" The villager scratched his head and then said, "No, sir. Only tiny babies are born here."
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Old 07-05-2009, 08:01 AM
9,404 posts, read 3,225,045 times
Reputation: 10305
A little man is sitting in a bar when a big guy comes up and says, "Here’s a punch from Japan". The little man stands up and the big guy says, "Here’s a kick from Korea". The little guy picks himself up off the floor, just smiles and goes away. Twenty minutes later he comes back and knocks the guy out cold. Then he looks at the bartender and says, "When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from 'Lowes'".
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Old 07-05-2009, 08:03 AM
9,404 posts, read 3,225,045 times
Reputation: 10305
It’s career day in the fourth grade, and the teacher instructs her students to stand up, state a parent’s occupation, spell it and then tell what their parents would do if they were there that day.

One youngster stands up and says, “My mother is an accountant, A- C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if she were here today, she would help you balance your checkbook.”

“Good,” says the teacher, then points to another boy. The youngster stands up and says, “My father is an electrician, E-L-E- K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no ...L-E-C-K- no...”

The teacher interrupts. “Never mind, Jimmy, you can sit down, think about it and give it another try later,” and she calls on another little fellow.

“My dad’s a bookie,” says the boy. “That’s B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he’d give you 10 to 1 odds that there’s no way Jimmy’s ever gonna spell ‘electrician.’”
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Old 07-05-2009, 08:04 AM
9,404 posts, read 3,225,045 times
Reputation: 10305
A man always carried an umbrella. One by one, he broke each one he owned until six useless ones were in his umbrella stand.

One morning, he took the umbrellas into the city and left them at a repair shop. On the bus going home, out of pure habit, he picked up the umbrella that belonged to the woman sitting next to him.

She yelled, “Stop, thief,” and he gave her the umbrella very embarrassed.

The next week, he picked up the umbrellas at the repair shop. When he got on the bus with them, he happened to sit next to the same woman. He didn't recognize her, but she recognized him.

Giving him an icy stare, she said, “Had a good day, huh?”
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