[sandgirl]

Goofy Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends.”
“Then do what I do,” said Fred, “close your eyes.”

[Suncoast Guy]

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?

A: A widow.

[Ketabcha]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says:


"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[Rainbow Island]

THINGS I LEARNED LIVIN' IN LOUISIANA

1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Louisiana .

3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in Louisiana .

4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5) Onced" and "Twiced" are words.

6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

7) "Jawl-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"

8) People actually grow and eat okra.

9) "Fixinto" is one word.

10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper..

11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' 'bout you.

13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see...

15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH 'em.

16) You measure distance in minutes.

17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

19) You know what a "Dawg" is. (Yes, an animal)

20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.

21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony Chachere's, Tabasco , and ketchup.

22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and LSU football...

23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."

25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."

27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.

28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.

29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your Louisiana friends and those who just wish they were from Louisiana !!!!!

[Rainbow Island]

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my friend the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you ’re a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.




And if we all do our part we can end up in the same prison and have one hell of a social life.

I really think we have found a Perfect Solution!

[Rainbow Island]

What I Learned From My Dogs

[SIZE=+4][/SIZE]

• <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Love Unconditionally. Anything else is not worth the effort. <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Regular meals, a cool drink and a dry bed are the only real necessities in life. Appreciate them when you have them. <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">A tummy rub is the ultimate sensation. <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Greet your loved ones enthusiastically after every absence. <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Naps are essential and should be taken daily. <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">You are never too old to play. <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Every day can be an adventure. <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Don't be afraid to snuggle up next to someone you love. <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Don't mess with someone bigger than you. <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Sometimes a bark is worse than a bite. <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">[SIZE=4]If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.[/SIZE] <LI style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">[SIZE=4]Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.[/SIZE][SIZE=4] [/SIZE]
• [SIZE=4] Make the most of what you have while you have it.
  [/SIZE]

[sandgirl]

BEWARE!!

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[sandgirl]

Creation
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, “Lord, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning’.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.
“Well, ” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
“Oh no, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”

[sandgirl]

When her late husband’s will was read, a widow learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman. Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription her spouse’s tombstone.
"Sorry, lady, " said the sonecutter." I inscribed ‘Rest in Peace’ on your orders. I can’t change it now."
"Very well," the widow said grimly. "Just add ‘Until We meet Again."

[Suncoast Guy]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."