[Rainbow Island]

Arrival
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

[Rainbow Island]

Breaking News!
These are from real news clips. Kinda eliminates all doubt about the intelligence of the media eh?

> Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert
> Says.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Police Begin Campaign to Run Down
> Jaywalkers.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes
> Over.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
>Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> War Dims Hope for Peace.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last
> Awhile.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect
> Homicide.
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test
> Group.
> -----------------------------------------------
> Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

[Suncoast Guy]

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' Greg asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

[Suncoast Guy]

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE

Submitted by Jonalee Echols from Bullard Texas.

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.

3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.

7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.

9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

[sandgirl]

Public Schools - A Definition

A place of detention for children placed in the care of teachers...
who are afraid of the principal,...
principals who are afraid of the school board,...
school boards who are afraid of the parents,...
parents who are afraid of the children,...
and children who are afraid of nobody.

[Suncoast Guy]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

[Suncoast Guy]

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney's larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What's that!" In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

[Rainbow Island]

Little Johnny again --------------------------------------------------------------------------------During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinnerwith a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying,"That would be rude and impolite.What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry,But I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very niceto say the word bathroom at the dinner table.And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excusedfor a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted.

[sandgirl]

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

[sandgirl]

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"