Joke thread (Hope, Clinton: how much, lawyer, taxes)
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>> A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
>> He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
>> catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to
>> He tries this a few more times with no success.
>> All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
>> muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
>> She opens the window and yells to her husband,
>> 'You need a piece of tail.'
>> The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
>> 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.
I think! I know I heard it somewhere before! Who knows it might have been an email!
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Charles E. Schumer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about lovemaking?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused, then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Dear Walter : I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Dear Sheila : A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay, grass, and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of barley, hops, & grain.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies (i.e. husband and wife), your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.
Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: ! Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up ! any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, - - - - -
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
One day a soldier in Afganistan recieved a letter from his girlfriend back home. In it she admitted seeing another guy, that she couldn't be faithful to him, and she wanted him to send her pictures back because she wanted to give them to her new guy.
After the initial shock and anger wore off, he did what any red-blooded American soldier would do. He went to all the guys in his outfit and collected all the unwanted photos he could, sent them to his girl with a note that said; "Sorry, but I can't remember which one you are. Take your pictures out and send me back the rest. Thanks."
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his
boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming
when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the
water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss
me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll then give you more pleasure that you ever could have
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I
said? I said kiss me and I will give you pleasures like you
have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my
age I'd rather have a talking frog."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As
she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't
done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As
the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his
hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with
sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it
out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The
cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's
owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just
to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan ...
Two oldmen decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, you know, I think my girl was dead!'
'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'
'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'
His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'
'A witch ??. . Why the heck would you say that?'
'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!'
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