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Old 08-18-2009, 11:42 AM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,061,070 times
Reputation: 25167
Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"

13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.

14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
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Old 08-18-2009, 02:00 PM
 
Location: following the wind of change
2,279 posts, read 2,399,903 times
Reputation: 4335
The Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Arkansasians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Arkansasian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted
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Old 08-18-2009, 05:17 PM
 
Location: Detroit Downriver
621 posts, read 1,317,887 times
Reputation: 389
Erotic Sign Language...


John's wife was deaf, so in order to communicate with her, he had to use sign language. That worked fine until the subject of the sign language turned to sex, then it got quite confusing and sometimes embarassing. One day John sat her down and explained that they needed a secret code, one that didn't involve grabbing junk or poking the index finger of one hand through a circle formed by the thumb and index finger of the other hand.

Then he signed, "When I want to make love, I will brush against your breast."

She nodded in understanding.

"You can signal approval by touching me back with your breast."

She nodded in understanding.

Then she held up her hand and said, "But, wait! What if I'm not ready?"

He signed, "Then just kiss me and turn away."

"OK." she answered. "I like that."

"When you want to make love, just brush against my wanker."

She nodded again.

"If I approve, I'll touch you back with it."

She smiled shyly and nodded.

"If I'm not ready, I'll just kiss you until I am."
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Old 08-18-2009, 08:41 PM
 
8,785 posts, read 2,296,780 times
Reputation: 9982
"Airports all around the country now are switching from metal detectors to those high-tech scanning machines that show a naked image of your body. This is raising a lot of privacy concerns, especially among women. The good news? Airport security guys now are paying attention 100 percent." -Jay Leno
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Old 08-18-2009, 08:50 PM
 
8,785 posts, read 2,296,780 times
Reputation: 9982
Joe figured out a way to remember his wife's birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist and told him to send flowers to his wife on those dates, along with a note signed. "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by the attention, and all was great until one anniversary. Joe came home, saw the bouquet, kissed his wife, and said, "Nice flowers. Where'd you get them?"
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Old 08-18-2009, 08:53 PM
 
8,785 posts, read 2,296,780 times
Reputation: 9982
Now, who can spell the word straight?" the third-grade teacher asked her students.

"S-t-r-a-i-g-h-t," answered one boy.

"Great job. And do you know what it means?"

"Without ice."
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Old 08-19-2009, 02:20 PM
 
Location: following the wind of change
2,279 posts, read 2,399,903 times
Reputation: 4335
Men advising women

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline. --- HA!!!

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
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Old 08-19-2009, 10:55 PM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,061,070 times
Reputation: 25167
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another

wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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Old 08-23-2009, 07:20 PM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,061,070 times
Reputation: 25167
Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight attendant began to the preparatory speech and safety instruction to the packed flight. Over the intercom he announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the main cabin door has been closed in preparation for departure. The captain now asks that all electronic devices including: pagers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods, blackberry's, blueberries, strawberries and anything with an on/off switch, including but not limited to Atari game systems and Easy-Bake Ovens, be turned off at this time. Please enjoy your flight and Thank You for choosing us for all your land travel--err--I mean AIR TRAVEL needs!"
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Old 08-23-2009, 07:21 PM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,061,070 times
Reputation: 25167
A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?" the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and 10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and 150. He enters the lucky draw, worth 500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of 660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
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