[Rainbow Island]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[Rainbow Island]

Getting old


'OLD' IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you
answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'



'OLD ' IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot



'OLD' IS WHEN . A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door



'OLD' IS WHEN . Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



'OLD' IS WHEN . You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.


'OLD' IS WHEN . You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police



'OLD' IS WHEN 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber
today



'OLD' IS WHEN . 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.



'OLD' IS WHEN . An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.



AND



'OLD' IS WHEN . You are not sure these are jokes?

[Rainbow Island]

This is what law makers need to make happen !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joe, the average worker says;

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I
pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In
order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test
with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the
distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I
have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no
problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other
hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on t heir lazy butts,
doing drugs, while I work. . . .
Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to
pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? Pass this along if
you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it
along, though . . . Something has to change in this country -- and
soon!!!!!

Guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.

[sandgirl]

Originally Posted by Rainbow Island

Subject: July 8,1947


Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Originally Posted by Rainbow Island

This is what law makers need to make happen !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joe, the average worker says;

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I
pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In
order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test
with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the
distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I
have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no
problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other
hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on t heir lazy butts,
doing drugs, while I work. . . .
Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to
pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? Pass this along if
you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it
along, though . . . Something has to change in this country -- and
soon!!!!!

Guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.

lol lol Good ones

[sandgirl]

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.

"Do you want to hear the bad news first or the terrible news?" The lawyer asked. "Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" George was stunned. " If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

[Rainbow Island]

Originally Posted by siberian

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, blah, blah, YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW.

Well, Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh

[Rainbow Island]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

[Rainbow Island]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper 's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'

Don't you just love lawyers?

[Rainbow Island]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish
because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too"
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY

[Rainbow Island]

A Love Story
I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,

The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)