[Rainbow Island]

Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'I said,
'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.


He looked at me sadly and said,....
'Then, why do you even care?

[Rainbow Island]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me: IRONY"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.. My mother taught me: WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught m e about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18.My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me: ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me: HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me: GENETICS."I swear you're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me: WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

[sandgirl]

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station.

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To corrupt the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
A: To bankrupt the other side.

Q: Why do birds fly south?
A: Because it's too far to walk.

[Rainbow Island]

An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm
> for several years.
>
> He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the
> property next to the road,
> and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic
> tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd
> planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to
> the pond.
>
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
> the pond to look it over,as
> he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed
> a five-gallon bucket to
> bring back some fruit.
>
> As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and
> female voices shouting and
> laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that
> 5 young women had parked
> their car at the side of the road, climbed the
> fence and were skinny-dipping
> in his pond. He made the women aware of his
> presence and they all went
> hurriedly splashing to the deep end.
>
> One of the women shouted to him, 'We're naked and
> we're not coming out until
> you leave!' The old man frowned and yelled back,
> 'I didn't come down here to
> watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out
> of the pond.'
>
> Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to
> feed the alligator.'
>
> Old men can still think fast.

[Rainbow Island]

A man died and went to heaven. As
he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw
a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are
all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered,
'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie
the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man,
'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother
Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a
lie.'

'Incredible,' said
the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded,
'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his
entire life.'

'Where's President
Obama's clock?' asked the man.

'Obama's clock is in
Jesus' office.

He's using it as a
ceiling fan.

[Rainbow Island]

Subject: My new exercise routine







Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program
and have a spotter present!



SCROLL DOWN.............































































NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great
job.

[Rainbow Island]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER[SIZE=2]

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=2]the eye.[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do
you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to
be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ __________________________
_____________________________________________
Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house.
[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=2]I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner.

Love, Brian


__________________________________________________ __________________________
_______________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:

__________________________________________________ __________________________
_________________



Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer.

I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom
[/SIZE]

[Rainbow Island]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

[Rainbow Island]

This is no joke. It's the truth, but I will post it here anyway.

Catching Wild Pigs [SIZE=5][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5]
A chemistry professor in a large college had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab the Professor noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back, and stretching as if his back hurt.

The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government.

In the midst of his story he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked, 'Do you know how to catch wild pigs?'

The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said this was no joke. 'You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come everyday to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to[/SIZE][SIZE=5][/SIZE][SIZE=5]that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in The last side.The pigs, who are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat, you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.

Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity.

The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America . The government keeps pushing us toward socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc.. While we continually lose our freedoms -- just a little at a time.

One should always remember: There is no such thing as a free lunch! Also, a politician will never provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.

Also, if you see that all of this wonderful government 'help' is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America , you might want to send this on to your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life then you will probably delete this email, but God help you when the gate slams shut!

[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=5]Keep your eyes on the newly elected politicians who are[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE][SIZE=5] about to slam the gate on America .

[/SIZE][SIZE=6]"[/SIZE][SIZE=6]A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have[/SIZE][SIZE=6]"[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=6] Thomas Jefferson[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]

[kygman]

A man sees his neighbor sitting back in the shade, sipping on an ice cold drink while his wife is working hard in the hot sun mowing the yard. He tells him, "You should be hung!" "I am! That's why she's doing it!"