[arkand]

The Little Red Hen

Submitted for inclusion in the Congressional Record by the Honorable Marjorie S. Holt of Maryland, September 10,1975.

Once upon a time there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she discovered some grains of wheat. She called her neighbors and said "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will," said the little red hen.

And she did. The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread.
Who will help me make the bread?" she asked.
"That would be overtime for me," said the duck.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the cow.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will'" said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves, and her neighbors wanted some.
In fact, they demanded a share. But the little red hen said "No, these loaves are the result of my hard work. Each of you had the opportunity to earn a share and you turned it down."

"Excess profits!" cried the goose.
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the cow.
And the pig said, "I'll report you."
They painted picket signs and marched round and round the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
When the Government Agent arrived, he said to the little red hen, "you must not be greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said the Agent. "That is the wonderful free enterprise system. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide their product with the idle."
And they lived happily ever after, including the little red hen who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, I am grateful."
But her neighbors wondered why she never again baked any more bread.

[Rainbow Island]

That reminds me of something ??? Can't place it right now?????????

[Suncoast Guy]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[sandgirl]

There was a lady from the countryside who came to the city and checked into a hotel.

Then she said to the bellman, "I refuse to take a tiny room like this, with no window and no bed in it! You can't treat me like a fool just because I don't travel much! I'm going to complain to the manager!"

So the bellman said very politely, "Madam, this isn't your room. It's the elevator!"

[Rainbow Island]

Originally Posted by sandgirl

There was a lady from the countryside who came to the city and checked into a hotel.

Then she said to the bellman, "I refuse to take a tiny room like this, with no window and no bed in it! You can't treat me like a fool just because I don't travel much! I'm going to complain to the manager!"

So the bellman said very politely, "Madam, this isn't your room. It's the elevator!"

Hmm.... Blonde maybe ? LOL

[sandgirl]

A blond, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took him behind a building, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneathe the apple tree.

The blonde looked into the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[sandgirl]

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q:Why did the tomato turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.

Q: What did the water say to the boat?
A: Nothing, it just waved.

[sandgirl]

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[siberian]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees."

[hognoxious]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?"

He says "Yes, just caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.", and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."

The interviewer tells the guy "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"

"'This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."