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Old 12-18-2009, 07:54 AM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,164,177 times
Reputation: 25169

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Simple Joe who is mad for the horses thought he had a sure winner the other day at the track. The tote board listed his horse as starting at 25 to 1, and he knew the race didn't start until 1:00 p.m.
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Old 12-18-2009, 07:56 AM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,164,177 times
Reputation: 25169
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
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Old 12-18-2009, 07:57 AM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,164,177 times
Reputation: 25169
Political Correctness.
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Old 12-18-2009, 07:58 AM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,164,177 times
Reputation: 25169
Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Mary walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
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Old 12-18-2009, 07:59 AM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,164,177 times
Reputation: 25169
This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. "Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven." His father said.
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:00 AM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,164,177 times
Reputation: 25169
Q: How do you know you should not be driving because you have had too much to drink?

A: When you swerve to hit a tree and then realize that it was only your car air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror!
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:01 AM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,164,177 times
Reputation: 25169
A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She is not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Child: I guess so.

There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;

Child: Hello?

Salesman: It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Child: I did. The trouble is: I can't get her out of the playpen.
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:48 PM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,164,177 times
Reputation: 25169
7 ways to annoy a flight attendant...

1- Bring your pet on the plane and then act like an animal.

2- Shove your bag into the first bin you see and then walk to your seat in the back of the plane.

3- Think that because you抮e on a plane you抮e of duty as a parent.

4- Drag on an oversize bag that's too heavy to lift by your self.

5- Gripe that you haven't been seated in the roomy exit row seat.

6- Act like you don't know the meaning of the words "under the seat in front of you".

7- Whine about the high cost of flying...
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Old 12-18-2009, 08:57 PM
 
25,444 posts, read 7,164,177 times
Reputation: 25169
If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turn in the cans for the aluminum recycling Refund, you would have had $214. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg…..
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Old 12-20-2009, 07:41 AM
 
8,785 posts, read 2,335,600 times
Reputation: 9982
A middle aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?" "How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
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