U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > U.S. Forums > Arkansas
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-14-2009, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,341,130 times
Reputation: 691

Advertisements

Why don't we get a thread started to share jokes. I'll start with this.

Old Arkansas Farmer went to town to see a movie:

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-14-2009, 07:22 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,341,130 times
Reputation: 691
Snoring Problems
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if she can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, it look like we got first and second place."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-14-2009, 08:49 PM
 
9,727 posts, read 3,445,275 times
Reputation: 10761
Default Hillbilly Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.

Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?
A: She's wearing the cleanest shirt.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-14-2009, 09:13 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,341,130 times
Reputation: 691
dead donkey
Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that

Dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a

profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-14-2009, 10:07 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,341,130 times
Reputation: 691
OK Sandgirl. Looks like its just you and me.

Respectfully CheatingJack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-15-2009, 07:27 AM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,341,130 times
Reputation: 691
Armed Robber
An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

'Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence than one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-15-2009, 07:32 AM
 
9,727 posts, read 3,445,275 times
Reputation: 10761
A state trooper stopped a pick up truck.
He ask the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver said, "Boutwhat?"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-15-2009, 07:49 AM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,341,130 times
Reputation: 691
I've got to post the 2008 Darwin Awards here too.


The 2008 Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended
victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. This time it worked..

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company
expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He
tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
car during a blizzard in Chicago, returned with his vehicle, to
find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and
prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the
$20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...
$15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on
the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man

grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand
there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into

a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun,
and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained
for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a
motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your

friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by
chance is a
distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they
are distant
and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-15-2009, 08:17 AM
 
9,727 posts, read 3,445,275 times
Reputation: 10761
Ways the Olympics would differ if held in Arkansas:

Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

Olympic officials attempt to pass off LeAnn Rimes' frantic yodeling as a medley of all different national anthems, "'includin' all them new Russian ones."

Two words: Billy Bobsledding.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-15-2009, 08:55 AM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 2,341,130 times
Reputation: 691
Stimulus Payment............




This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This
is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:


"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? "
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


"Q. Where will the government get this money? "
A. From taxpayers.


"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? "
A. Only a smidgen.


"Q. What is the purpose of this payment? "
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? "
A. Shut up."


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to
Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the
money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball
game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos,
since those are the only businesses still in the US.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Options
X
Data:
Loading data...
Based on 2000-2016 data
Loading data...

123
Hide US histogram

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > U.S. Forums > Arkansas
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top