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Old 06-30-2014, 10:19 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,769,854 times
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Please read at least the first few posts I made in this thread so you will know what my worries are.

Just found out I'm going to be a grandmother and not very happy about it.

The GF told DS many months ago (they were friends before they started dating) that she had a considerable amount of money saved. DS is very interested in money as he sends a great deal of time on investments tracking and reading about economies around the world. In fact as a family we have many interesting discussions about finances and money. That is not to say we are obsessed with money but we do take care of what we have. And being young he is interested in growing his money.

GF told DS she could not look up her investments online cause she sends her money to her mother in the Philippines. Is this common? He said a previous GF sent her money to her mother in Philippines as well.
GF says DS is too worried about money and she just doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She will not tell him if she has health insurance which will cover this pregnancy---if she even has access to "her" money in the Philippines--if it is in her name, her mother's name, how it is being managed-anything about this supposed $150K she says she has. Is it common for young women not to want to discuss money matters?

She also told him she will pay for all her pregnancy expenses and he should not worry about it. He is taking her to her first consultation in mid July and it is supposed to cost over $400 but she said she wants to pay for it. Is this common?
She also says she and her mother will care for the child and she will work as soon after the birth as she can and she will try to get to KZ about 2 or 3 months after the baby is born (March). Unless she visits him in KZ in the fall they will not see each other for almost 10 months. I do not think this relationship will last and have pretty much realized he is not much more than a sperm donor for a young woman who wanted a child from a smart good looking white guy (he's not rich).

She says she does not expect child support or marriage. I have a hard time believing this. But she does want him to sign the birth certificate.

There are so many "what ifs" I worry about because quite frankly it seems to me they didn't think this through. If he signs the birth certificate does that automatically mean he is legally responsible for child support even if he never sees the child or is in its life? I told him he has a moral responsibility to support his child regardless of signing the birth certificate or being in the child's life and he says he wants to but only if he has "parental authority" which I think means if he really has an active role as a parent. I think what he is saying is that if he has been used as a sperm donor he does not think he has financial responsibilities. It is interesting to know that he had been approached both in USA and in Singapore to be a sperm donor and did so as much as was allowed. I think GF knows this.

He's a grown man and she is a grown woman and even though I am not happy with this situation I am only offering him support and knowledge where I can find it.
Thank you for anything you can add which will help me and his father understand. And please spare me the criticisms of his behavior. You won't be saying anything we haven't already talked about.
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Old 06-30-2014, 08:29 PM
 
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- Sending money to your family is very common in the Philippines. Most working Filipinos do it even those who are not working abroad. They usually just allot enough money for their expenses and everything else is sent back to the Philippines.

- About the GF deciding to cover every cost of her pregnancy, don't you think that's because your son, like you said, is too worried about money and doesn't have much to begin with? I really think the girl just did that so your son won't have to worry anymore. If she knows he can't pay for it then what's the point of asking him for help?

- Regarding the birth certificate thing, it's already sad to be born to parents who are not married or living together but to not know your father at all? No documents whatsoever? Birth certificates in the Philippines require the name of the "baby daddy" to be indicated regardless if the mother/father are married or not.

- Most Filipino women dreams of getting married and having a family. Unwed hags are frowned upon in the Philippines. Nobody wants to grow old alone and motherhood is what makes them complete. But for a 29 year old woman who has a career abroad, she's actually a catch and it would not be difficult for her to get a Filipino guy to marry and spend the rest of her life with. I'm saying this because I think your son's gf is originally committed to your son but is just giving up on him because of his situation. I mean, not really giving up but I think she's preparing herself of the possibility of a future without him.

Here's what I think will happen: after the woman gives birth, the baby will be sent to the Philippines because nobody will take care of it. The mother has to work, father lives in a different country.
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Old 06-30-2014, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,769,854 times
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Thank you for your response. Did you read my original post I linked at the very beginning? She is talking about moving to KZ with a transfer from her employers in Singapore. At least that is the plan now but who knows. I'm not too hopeful of ever having a relationship with what will most likely be my only grandchild.
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Old 06-30-2014, 09:41 PM
 
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I don't understand why she doesn't wanna get married? She's pregnant already. And the fact that she's not asking for any support whatsoever makes it all more unusual.

Maybe she knows what to expect from your son so she didn't bother or tried? For sure the girl's family would advise her to get married because what will people back in the Philippines think if she comes home with a baby but no husband.

Of course there are modern Filipino women who don't believe in marriage but if it's an option then i don't understand why she wouldn't choose it?
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Old 07-01-2014, 05:59 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,769,854 times
Reputation: 47257
I don't understand it either. He says she has never pushed him on it. He said they did discuss it but along with any discussion about getting married they talked about finances and when she wouldn't or couldn't tell him about her savings that ended the discussion. My theory is that she either doesn't have any savings or has given complete control over to her mother and won't admit it. I know my son well enough to know that would not sit well with him. This is just one of the potential pitfalls of people from two different cultures trying to bridge the gap.

He did tell me in an e mail this morning that she has no plans to send the baby to the Philippines with her mother and that she plans to raise it herself wherever she is- either in Singapore alone or in KZ with him. We'll see. It is so hard being the parent of an adult who you think is making wrong decisions.
Thank you for your comment.
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Old 07-01-2014, 08:47 AM
 
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In Filipino culture though, its pretty common for the groom to shoulder all the wedding expenses. It happens most of the time, specially if the bride comes from a poor background.

About the baby, the girl's family might get worried about that proposed set-up - raising the baby alone in a foreign land with no other help. They might insist on getting the baby in the mean time.
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Old 07-01-2014, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,769,854 times
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Doesn't a professional 30 year old woman have the right to defy her mother? I mean women have been standing up to their mothers all over the world for centuries....haven't they?
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Old 07-01-2014, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,769,854 times
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It's not about "her money". It's about how much of a role the baby's father, my son, will play in his child's life. I got a very sweet letter from her today where she answered a bunch of questions I asked my son. She assures me she will be moving with the baby to KZ as soon after the birth as she and the baby can travel. She assures me she and my son love each other very much and are planning a life together. She assures me that it is important that my son signs the BC because the child should know who his father is even if they don't stay together and because she will apply for American passport for the child as soon as she can. Without that signed BC I don't think she can get the baby's American passport.

Maybe she is just being very smart. Maybe she is old enough to know that pushing a man for marriage will sometimes just drive him away. I feel somewhat better since receiving her letter. But I keep telling myself this isn't about me. It's mainly about the child these two people are bringing into the world.
Thank you for your comments.
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Old 07-02-2014, 10:02 AM
 
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Filipinos are among the most Westernized Asians, but if there's something that stands out as prominent in Filipino culture that is just odd to Westerners, it's that Filipinos overseas send a lot of their money back to their family in the Philippines. It is extremely common. However, with regards to child support, if she or her family indeed still has the savings, then you should not worry about "control" of the money regardless if it's invested in the name of the woman or her mother or her other family members. It's Filipino culture to support a family member (which now includes your future grandchild) however they can. I would think the woman's fallback is for the baby to be sent to the Philippines where there is no shortage of people who will help take care of it and the cost of living is extremely low compared to Singapore or the USA that having a parent earning a salary in either country can easily support the financial needs of a child raised in the Philippines.

With regards to money matters, not sure about this, but I would think that the woman is refusing to discuss further because she can either afford the costs now and whatever your son is offering is not substantial and just "temporary relief" as there is no plan to further support her in the future. She might have said she does not expect child support or marriage, but does not expect is not the same as does not want to. She's probably just being realistic about expectations from your son. If you're asking specifically about marriage and support, Filipino culture favors them much more than modern American culture does.

I would think signing the birth certificate makes it easier for the baby to eventually be recognized as your grandchild, to get an American passport and have more hope of getting into another country such as Kazakhstan due to the father's presence there if the mother will not be able to work there. In Filipino culture, demanding for child support is a foreign concept and the inefficiency of the legal system means almost no one files such cases in court. I don't know about the people involved, but from what you are saying, I do find it odd if the woman will eventually move to Kazakhstan with your son without getting married. I am not even sure if she can or will visit. Why move somewhere where you only know ONE person who refuses to acknowledge that you have legal obligations towards each other? The woman has nothing to gain moving to Kazakhstan. Her employer might have an office there, but is there a position there that is suitable for her? Will her life there be easier there where she cannot speak the language, no family or social support system? It certainly will be easier if she moves there as a dependent/spouse of your son and his employer can at least acknowledge that. When it involves going to other countries, getting visas for dependents, having employers provide additional support for dependents of expats, the marriage certificate is now more than just a piece of paper.
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Old 07-02-2014, 10:11 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,769,854 times
Reputation: 47257
Thank you for your comments. Lots to think about. I can only go on what they are both telling me. Seems like she is following her culture in the sending of money to her mother but not following her culture is not getting married with a baby on the way. They are grown educated people and as much as I want to strangle them for doing what I consider to be a reckless thing, I know I must not alienate either one for many reasons. It will be interesting to see how this all unfolds.
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