When you go from believing in an afterlife to facing reality

[Pleroo]

Originally Posted by mordant

My jollies now come from totally doable things like mowing the lawn. Small but reliable jollies. I don't need the constant angst of striving for immortality and other things far beyond the actual reality of what I am.

I don't know anything with certainty about an afterlife. But this is often how I feel, as well.

[Cruithne]

Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate

I just went though some photos and found one of a dear friend who passed away years ago. I still miss him terribly. As I read what he wrote on the back of the photo, I thought, man, I'll probably never see him again. I go through this every time I think of a loved one who has passed. It sucks. The afterlife was such a huge source of comfort for me.

Can anyone relate?

The afterlife, in that sense that people commonly visualise, ie that you will meet up with all your relatives and friends and carry on business-as-usual after you die, has never made sense to me. After all, how old will we be, living in this afterlife? Will granny still be 95, like she was when she died? Or will she choose some earlier time in her life? But then how would you recognise her?
To me it's all in the same realm as the concepts of heaven and hell. Where are they exactly? It just makes no sense.

Nevertheless, it is very sad of course. We do miss our loved ones. But the point is, we miss them in this life. Once we are passed, we won't know anything about it, so it won't matter then.

I try not to think of it as a negative thing. In some senses we do live on after we die. We live on in the memories of our children, friends, family and acquaintances as did your dear friend, and that is something to be cherished. That's part of the reason why I think it is important to leave an impact in this life - leave something behind that made a difference to someone.

Carl Sagan sums it up well here I think:

I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But much as I want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is more than wishful thinking. The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there's little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides. Carl Sagan.

I also love the idea that we are all made of starstuff -that our atoms come from the stars and that we are all an integral part of the universe. That cannot be denied, so in a way we are all still connected.

Originally Posted by mordant

Sometimes I think that the death of my second wife would have been intolerable to me -- would simply have caused me to implode into a black hole or something -- were it not for the fact that the actual positive experiences / memories were confined to our first couple of years together, before the miserable daily grind of her illness swept the good times away. My memory of our 13 years together is at best 3 years of goodness and 10 years of soul-crushing agony, the last six or so years at a fever pitch. She believed in an afterlife to the end, and was ready to be ushered into it. By that time I had already abandoned that hope, and I truly believe that hanging onto it would have been as painful as letting go -- simply because if god was not capable of giving her a good life, how could I trust her with him in an afterlife? I was better at looking after her interests than he ever was!

Now I have concerns that my 3rd wife may well precede me in death, and it's "deja vu all over again". But the nature of your attachments change after an experience like wife #2's dissolution. I no longer expect or hope that life will treat me with kindness. It's kind of like, take a number, get in line, bring it on, who cares. Whatever will be will be and I have little say in it. The idea of an afterlife no longer would comfort me and I am not wistful for it. I was happy to believe in it once upon a time, but am simply no longer capable, even if I wanted to. My jollies now come from totally doable things like mowing the lawn. Small but reliable jollies. I don't need the constant angst of striving for immortality and other things far beyond the actual reality of what I am.

Mordant I am terribly, terribly sorry to hear about your worries about your wife. I do hope things improve, whatever the issue is.

[mordant]

Originally Posted by Cruithne

Mordant I am terribly, terribly sorry to hear about your worries about your wife. I do hope things improve, whatever the issue is.

Thanks for your concern. It is but the confluence of several factors beyond my control, and not an immediate threat or a certainty ... it is shaping up as more of a long-term probability. I just try to stay mentally prepared for the next curve ball.

[PassTheChocolate]

Originally Posted by Cliffie

But the people you lose ARE still with you as long as you let yourself remember them. Nobody can take away what you got from them. You can even profitably ask yourself things like, "What would X say right now if he could be here for this?" It's a very real way of comforting yourself (at least in my experience). Losing someone -- and there have been a lot of those the past few years -- makes me fell rootless and disoriented, but I get my feet back under me and redirect myself by doing that.

The comfort of memories is always followed by the reality of the loss. They're gone. I move on, sure. I accept this is just the way of it. It just sucks when I'm in the moment.