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I'm a former evangelical Christian and now I am atheist/agnostic/non-religious.
I struggle with feelings of self-hatred, mainly along the lines of "how could I have been so stupid to believe such things?" I take some solace in the fact that I was indoctrinated with evangelical Christianity since childhood. But I also clung desperately to the religion since I was heavily "invested" in it. My father had a major "altercation" where he almost drowned in a rip current and believed that the Christian God saved him. He quit his job and became an evangelical pastor, causing me a lot of I unnecessary hardship in the process. I simply couldn't handle the idea that it was all for nothing.
Yeah, I could kick myself. Like you, I was a kid so some of the responsibility falls on my mom. I left at 19 but it still hung over me because I never thought I had been subjected to anything destructive. If anyone ever said anything negative about them I would get angry and go into defense mode. I left in 1987 so there wasn't the internet then so I had no way of knowing any of their background. I didn't address the issue until 2014. That's along time to walk around thinking God hated me and in order for there to be peace people like me had to die. They subject children to psychological manipulation designed to trap even adults. I had this never ending loop playing in my mind; you're nothing but a worthless slave, you're value depends on being submissive(I'm not), the world is wicked, you're wicked, you're not good enough, you can't trust anyone, you can't trust yourself. You know, basic bedtime stories for kids. Sometimes I think how could I not see it and sometimes I wonder how I ever made it out. It's set up to be a lifetime snare whether you stay or not. It's set up to silence those who get away. People have resources now they didn't have when I left. I think these groups are going to have a hard time surviving without being able to segregate their members.
I'm a former evangelical Christian and now I am atheist/agnostic/non-religious.
I struggle with feelings of self-hatred, mainly along the lines of "how could I have been so stupid to believe such things?" I take some solace in the fact that I was indoctrinated with evangelical Christianity since childhood. But I also clung desperately to the religion since I was heavily "invested" in it.
I was indoctrinated too, and clung to it because I was invested in it. And it was Not My Proudest Moment. But I have forgiven myself. What is the point in doing anything else? Lots of people are in the same boat. Yeah, I envy life-long unbelievers or religiously indifferent people. Yeah, I regret many foolish decisions I made when I was young, many of them decisions that were partly or entirely religiously mediated.
But ... life is anything if not messy. If it had not been religion, it would have been something else. Youth is wasted on the young. It is tempting to imagine that absent religion I would have had a wonderful life. But the truth is, wherever you go, there you are. I had a role to play too. I wanted the certainty, the feeling of specialness, the approval of my parents and siblings, the built in social in-group, the smug satisfaction of thinking I had life figured out and therefore wasn't a loser like all those unbelievers, etc.
It really is as simple ... and as hard ... as forgiving yourself, reckoning it a sunk cost, and moving on. Or put another way: letting go.
I'm less concerned with formerly being part of the cult and more agitated by current cultist who blindly accept the absurdities of religions and forgo common sense and reason.
I anguish over whether to have a heartfelt discussion with my two Christians daughters. On one hand, they seem happy and are grounded in being good humans. On the other, I hate to see them invest so much money and time in a falsely based cultist social club.
I'm a former evangelical Christian and now I am atheist/agnostic/non-religious.
I struggle with feelings of self-hatred, mainly along the lines of "how could I have been so stupid to believe such things?" I take some solace in the fact that I was indoctrinated with evangelical Christianity since childhood. But I also clung desperately to the religion since I was heavily "invested" in it. My father had a major "altercation" where he almost drowned in a rip current and believed that the Christian God saved him. He quit his job and became an evangelical pastor, causing me a lot of I unnecessary hardship in the process. I simply couldn't handle the idea that it was all for nothing.
Anyone else have similar feelings? Any advice?
Well you used the word yourself...'indoctrination'. You were indoctrinated so there was nothing much you could have done about it then - just the same as you can't do anything about it now, so what's the use in worrying about it? None. You can't change it so don't beat yourself up. Just accept it as the past and move on.
Self-hatred not so much. True, I got involved with fundamentalist religion entirely by my own wish, I was not brought up in it. But at the time I was a stupid, easy-to-influence teenager who was looking for a community, a sense of belonging - until the American missionaries came along. So I do not castigate myself too much for it. I could have gotten involved with more destructive things.
However, I do struggle with this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by L8Gr8Apost8
the world is wicked, you're wicked, you're not good enough, you can't trust anyone, you can't trust yourself.
I used to really take to heart the whole notion that the world lies in sin, that people are becoming ever more selfish and untrustworthy, that it will only keep getting worse in the future and that life as a Christian will become increasingly difficult - until the accumulated evil reaches its ultimate degree of blackness and badness - and then Christ will come. It is still somewhat difficult for me to learn thinking contrary to these notions and to see any positivity in the future and the next generations. So pardon me if my posts sometimes come across as very negative and depressing.
I'm a former evangelical Christian and now I am atheist/agnostic/non-religious.
I struggle with feelings of self-hatred, mainly along the lines of "how could I have been so stupid to believe such things?" I take some solace in the fact that I was indoctrinated with evangelical Christianity since childhood. But I also clung desperately to the religion since I was heavily "invested" in it. My father had a major "altercation" where he almost drowned in a rip current and believed that the Christian God saved him. He quit his job and became an evangelical pastor, causing me a lot of I unnecessary hardship in the process. I simply couldn't handle the idea that it was all for nothing.
Anyone else have similar feelings? Any advice?
Yeah you've got to let it go - after over 40 years of abusive, religious-inspired brainwashing and abuse I confronted my demon - who just so happened to be my own father - he's been out of my life entirely for 15 years now. Toxic people, whether family or not, must be eliminated from your life. You should never feel guilty or inadequate in any way, it's not your fault. Don't hate yourself, hate your upbringing, distance yourself and change your surroundings.
You know as well as anyone that your Father survived due to his own actions, not some mythical intervention. My Dad started his own church one time, his ego was tremendous even though he was never and still isn't an ordained minister and he managed to draw in a few unsuspecting people into his congregation. I was forced to go of course, and it was torture. Lots of lame speaking in tongues and ass kissing it was weird and other-worldly. Indoctrination should not console you ,it should infuriate you to the point that you confront these people who destroyed you.
Live your life like you just figured out the real truth, and someday you can aim on pointing out this truth, or not, totally up to you. Because I live in the deep south I cannot let on that I'm an atheist to certain family and friends, but those who do know are ok with it. You just have to discern who is ready to hear your truth and those who will live easier thinking that you are still a believer. Grandma's and Grandpas don't count, and neither do parents if they are certain you're going to hell if you don't convert. They don't need to know if it will make them rest easier.
But here at C-D is your best option to unload and not be judged or preached at so let it go! You been around Freak and you've probably have had as many a-ha moments as I have - but we've finally reached the point of no return on the god thing but nothing wrong with sharing OR keeping it to yourself - your choice totally just remember no one is judging you here.
Freak, I think we made the best decisions with the information we had at the time. When we knew better, we did better. I think being raised in all that has helped me be more compassionate to those who are struggling to release themselves from that web. I was in my 50s before I finally woke up.
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