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I am not religious, but the guy I'm dating is (or at least his family definitely is, and he is very close to his family). His family is devout Catholic (I was raised Catholic but broke away when I was 18. I no longer adhere to any religious beliefs. I just consider myself "spiritual").
This guy is the first guy I've met (ever) where I feel like...
a) I really have a real genuine connection with,
b) we both are creative-types (before this no one I ever dated considered what I do to be "a real job"... I'm a freelance writer)
c) have the same "big-picture" life goals/outlooks ( about career, traveling, etc)
d) he's a good person.
The guys I've dated in the past have been more or less 'turds' (to put it kindly), which I realize now, to some extent was on me (I just didn't see it at the time). The homelife I grew up in was extremely violent and abusive so any remaining family I have very little (if any) contact with. (Esp because the abusive person(s) never owned up to anything they said or done. They just act like it never happened.)
So just the thought of family stuff (when it comes to my own family growing up) in general is very upsetting to me. (And it probably always will be).
So this guy I'm dating is basically the complete opposite of me in every way when it comes to upbringing and that type of thing. So while his parents seem like lovely people, and he's great to me now, I know that inevitably the whole.... "tell me about your family!" "what does your parent(s) do?" are you coming to church with us?".... I know all these things are (eventually) going to come up. And every single thing about me is a such a stark contrast to how he was raised and how his parents are,
I know they're going to look at him like, "Why did you choose this?" (aka: me)
His family has a big influence on him.
He is such a "wholesome" guy (compared to my background) I just cannot realistically picture this working out. (And there's also always that underlying suspicion hanging over me that maybe he just sees me as a "project" or something that needs "fixing"... I don't know. )
And for the record, this guy is in his mid-twenties. I'm in my early thirties.
I don't know if (realistically) there's even a point in bothering continuing with this. ( I have intentionally been keeping some distance from him because I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet.)
I have never been in a situation like this before so I honestly have no idea what to think.
Has anyone ever experienced something similar to this? Or could offer an honest opinion?
If you "cannot realistically picture this working out" then why are you dating him?
Once I dated a Catholic who was not too religious himself but his family was. His mother asked me at dinner "Do you go to Catholic Church?" I said "No." That is all there is to it. I do not know what his family said to him privately about it, but it did not get in our way dating. I would not date a man who bows to his family that way. That is not a grown man. That is a teenager plus 10 years.
You do not owe anybody any explanations of your childhood or family. You do not even have to talk to your boyfriend about this until you feel comfortable and safe with him. I dated somebody for two years before I told him something bad that happened in my family. He said, "My God that is terrible. I would never have guessed." Then he said "You are not your family. I am not dating your family. I am dating YOU."
Then he told me something terrible that happened in his family. Nobody's family is perfect. Everybody's family has skeletons. People who judge such things do not make good partners.
If you "cannot realistically picture this working out" then why are you dating him?
Once I dated a Catholic who was not too religious himself but his family was. His mother asked me at dinner "Do you go to Catholic Church?" I said "No." That is all there is to it. I do not know what his family said to him privately about it, but it did not get in our way dating. I would not date a man who bows to his family that way. That is not a grown man. That is a teenager plus 10 years.
You do not owe anybody any explanations of your childhood or family. You do not even have to talk to your boyfriend about this until you feel comfortable and safe with him. I dated somebody for two years before I told him something bad that happened in my family. He said, "My God that is terrible. I would never have guessed." Then he said "You are not your family. I am not dating your family. I am dating YOU."
Then he told me something terrible that happened in his family. Nobody's family is perfect. Everybody's family has skeletons. People who judge such things do not make good partners.
Thank you for sharing your honest insight. I truly appreciate it.
In my view you are jumping to way too many conclusions. You would be surprised how welcoming and non-judgmental some people can be (often in spite of being religious). As another poster pointed out above, what his parents think of you is nowhere near as important as what HE thinks. And you are really selling yourself short suggesting that there's no way he could love you because you're somehow tainted by the dysfunction in your family of origin.
I grew up in a loving, supportive and ultimately intact family, and I am currently married to a woman who most likely makes your family drama look tame. Her mother died at 9, she was abandoned emotionally by her father, and from age 6 on was largely responsible for caring for her younger siblings. Before her mother died, she basically went crazy and abused her in various ways, and her father did not intervene. But one night he did beat Mom to a pulp in front of the children. And this is just a small sample. About the only thing her story lacks is sexual abuse. That I know of. As with you, her father acts like nothing happened, and that's just when he's not acting like what happened was her fault.
So ... how does this impact my interest in my wife? Not at all. It isn't directly relevant to who she is as a person and how she treats me or how supportive or loyal she is. She's good to me, I'm good to her, the past is the past. My family gets along fine with her and loves her. If they didn't, I'd choose her over them. It's that simple.
What are you going to do anyway ... wait for somebody sufficiently broken? You should be waiting for someone who treats you well, loves you, and earns your trust, despite his personal brokenness or lack thereof. It sounds offhand like this guy is promising. If his family are jerks and he doesn't stand up to them, then that should be a deal breaker. Other than that, don't worry about them. Pay attention to how HE behaves.
I agree with mordant's post above. However, I'd add a thought. Go date the guy and have fun. At this point, you can let your differences exist. If you should happen to see the relationship develop into potential marriage, you and he need to come to an understanding about religion. You can agree to disagree, but even that implies that you need to talk about details. If you have children, will they be baptized in the Catholic Church as babies, and all that implies? Will they be raised with a default of religion in their home, or a default of no religion in their home? If one of you is hospitalized, do you want a priest to visit? If one of you should die, should you have a funeral mass? I think failure to agree between the two of you on these things would spell disaster for a relationship.
Honestly, it's fine if you are fine together, and dont try to convert each other.
I know a girl who I think used to go to a church outside town, but after they did some stuff that was petty, stopped going basically and stays home. It doesnt change the fact that I really like her.
Baptism is something many families do in a Christianity optional family. Its something that is often done even in household that hold informal worship, or not at all. We call these nominal christians, as they have baptisms, weddings, and funerals there but it isnt a big issue.
Take the kid on and off, and when he/she is old enough to speak, offer the choice to go to church or stay home. No disaster, no conflict, the kids choice.
Has anyone ever experienced something similar to this? Or could offer an honest opinion?
Hello!
I can say that I have had this experience before! Actually for about the last 5, almost 6 years of my life
Here's the important things to know, in my opinion:
1. How serious is he about Christianity (Catholicism) or how likely is he to get serious about it later?
This is important because the Bible does warn against marrying non-christians. So should he get serious about Christianity at some point, he may find himself making the difficult decision "God" and "you".
2. Do you know that his parents don't approve? What does he think about his parents approving?
We all want to act big and bad like we don't care what our parents think; but at the end of the day, in some cultures getting your parent's approval to marry is very important. Just have this conversation with him. Get his thoughts. Only he can tell you how he feels about this situation.
3. mensaguy brought up a great point. How will the children be raised? I won't repeat everything he said.
At the end of the day, my thoughts on this are that if you want this relationship and this relationship means a lot to you, you should commit to it. Treat it like you're serious. Don't give him the cold shoulder because you're not sure what to do. Talk to him about it. That's the stuff relationships are made of.
It probably boils down to the issue of mutual respect. Do you truly respect his beliefs, or would it be a matter of tolerating them while actually viewing them as a sign of mental deficiency or emotional weakness.
If you can't bring yourself to truly respect the beliefs, then you will never truly respect the person sustaining the beliefs. In such a case the relationship won't work.
And it has to work both ways. He cannot disrespect your atheism and try and convert you, openly or covertly.
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