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Old 08-04-2009, 05:08 PM
 
Location: Bellingham, WA
9,745 posts, read 14,177,403 times
Reputation: 14796

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sanspeur View Post
Church of Christ:
They do not use light bulbs because
there is no evidence of their use
in the New Testament.
They nailed that one write on the head!
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Old 08-05-2009, 04:26 AM
 
Location: Brussels, Belgium
971 posts, read 1,537,934 times
Reputation: 236




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Old 08-06-2009, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Brussels, Belgium
971 posts, read 1,537,934 times
Reputation: 236
So a priest and a rabbi walk into an afterlife...












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Old 08-06-2009, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Boise, ID
8,043 posts, read 23,705,086 times
Reputation: 9334
Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Yes, I love to gamble

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Uhh...no

Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...

Last edited by Lacerta; 08-06-2009 at 03:06 PM.. Reason: I hate formatting marks
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Old 08-06-2009, 04:10 PM
 
Location: Victoria, BC.
30,874 posts, read 31,750,270 times
Reputation: 12622
The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of changeof the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expan d proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over..
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:07 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
15,310 posts, read 10,333,893 times
Reputation: 2610
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:10 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
15,310 posts, read 10,333,893 times
Reputation: 2610
A male and a female whale were swimming around when they saw a whaling ship in the distance.

"Look over there" said the male whale, "there's one of those ships that keep chasing us. Let's swim over and dive underneath the ship and when we're underneath we'll both blow a load of air out from our beathing holes and it will tip the boat over."

So they swam over and, just before reaching the ship, they slid below the waves until they were directly under the ship. In a joint effort the both blew out as hard as they could and the huge explosion of air overturned the ship.

The male whale looked around at all the sailors who were floundering in the water and said to the female whale...

"Right! Now we've got them in the water, well eat 'em."

"Not likely" said the female, "I didn't mind the blow job but I'm not swallowing the seamen!"
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:11 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
15,310 posts, read 10,333,893 times
Reputation: 2610
A doctor is addressing an audience.

"The material that we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode our stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disasterous and none of realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....but there is one thing we eat that has a long term and disasterous effect on our lives. This one food alone...and most of us have or will eat it sometime in our lives....can cause grief and suffering for years after eating it. Can anyone here tell me what it is?"

After several seconds of silence, an old chap in the front row raised his hand and softly said...

"Wedding Cake".
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:13 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
15,310 posts, read 10,333,893 times
Reputation: 2610
FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN WOMEN.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she stayed over at a girlfiend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 closest friends...... none of them knew anything about it!


FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MEN.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he stayed over at a buddy's house. The wife call her husband's 10 closest friends..........

8 of them confirmed that he'd slept at their place...and 2 claimed that he was still there.



.....Yes! You know what I'm talking about don't you lads?
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:14 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
15,310 posts, read 10,333,893 times
Reputation: 2610
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, "Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
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