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Status:
"It's ok Bearcats, we don't need Kelly!"
(set 3 days ago)
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: The 'Nati
2,137 posts, read 1,420,611 times
Reputation: 931
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1) He had only one major publication.
2) It was in Hebrew.
3) It had no references.
4) It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5) Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6) It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7) His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8) The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9) He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10) When an experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11) When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12) He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13) Some say he had his son teach the class.
14) He expelled his first two students for learning.
15) Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16) His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them. I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal says, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out down at that place at the bend in the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Aha!" the second cannibal replies. "There's your problem; those are friars."
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay cheque.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
"Having children is an act of God!" he cried. Silence fell upon the congregation.
In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked,
"Which service, the 9.45 or the 11.15?"
A minister was sitting reading the newspaper, and listening to the ball game on the television when his beautiful nine year old daughter ran into the room, jumped onto his lap and asked: "Daddy? Who is God?"
"Sweetheart, that will be the subject of tonight's sermon, can you wait 'till church tonight, listen to what I have to say and then make your own decisions, or would you really like to discuss it now?"
"Yeah--I can wait daddy thanks" and off she ran to play with the dog.
Later at church, all is quiet and the minister starts his sermon. Throwing his right arm in the air and shouts: "GOD" and then a little softer voice, and lowering his arm "is neither man---- nor woman" and looks around at the congregation. All is quiet with the exception of a few "Praise the lords" & "Amen brothers." After a slight pause the preacher again throws his right arm in the air and again shouts: "GOD" dropping his arm, and again lowering his voice "is neither black - -----nor white" and with only one or two "Amens" this time, the church is again quiet. The preacher pauses, looks around the church, throws his right arm in the air and shouts "GOD---- is neither gay or straight" and about now the whole church is so quiet you could have heard a pin drop, and from the front row, a beautiful nine year old girl's voice rings out crystal clear asking----"Daddy--- are you saying God is really Michael Jackson?"
A minister was sitting reading the newspaper, and listening to the ball game on the television when his beautiful nine year old daughter ran into the room, jumped onto his lap and asked: "Daddy? Who is God?"
"Sweetheart, that will be the subject of tonight's sermon, can you wait 'till church tonight, listen to what I have to say and then make your own decisions, or would you really like to discuss it now?"
"Yeah--I can wait daddy thanks" and off she ran to play with the dog.
Later at church, all is quiet and the minister starts his sermon. Throwing his right arm in the air and shouts: "GOD" and then a little softer voice, and lowering his arm "is neither man---- nor woman" and looks around at the congregation. All is quiet with the exception of a few "Praise the lords" & "Amen brothers." After a slight pause the preacher again throws his right arm in the air and again shouts: "GOD" dropping his arm, and again lowering his voice "is neither black - -----nor white" and with only one or two "Amens" this time, the church is again quiet. The preacher pauses, looks around the church, throws his right arm in the air and shouts "GOD---- is neither gay or straight" and about now the whole church is so quiet you could have heard a pin drop, and from the front row, a beautiful nine year old girl's voice rings out crystal clear asking----"Daddy--- are you saying God is really Michael Jackson?"
ROFL all the more so when i remember the "good" friday when this was released
One sunny day an old man approached the White House from Across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine
looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The old man said,
"Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and
said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Bush." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said
yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer
resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House
and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I
would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at
the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you
have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you
already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer
resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the
Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it. The
Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you
tomorrow, Sir."
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Welcome to City-Data.com forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with 700,000 other registered members. User profiles and some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your free account you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 15,000 posts/day about local topics and you will see fewer ads. 
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