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Old 08-11-2010, 10:52 PM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
13,966 posts, read 9,756,573 times
Reputation: 2421

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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth
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Old 08-11-2010, 10:55 PM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
13,966 posts, read 9,756,573 times
Reputation: 2421
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.

Then try 50lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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Old 08-11-2010, 10:57 PM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
13,966 posts, read 9,756,573 times
Reputation: 2421
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only 10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a 20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.



What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.' !
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Old 08-11-2010, 11:10 PM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
13,966 posts, read 9,756,573 times
Reputation: 2421
COURAGE?

What is the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?

Is it to fly a fighter plane in combat?

Is it to practice free fall parachuting?

Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?


Bull****........those are nothing!


THIS is COURAGE!!!



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Old 08-16-2010, 12:56 PM
 
Location: Victoria, BC.
30,103 posts, read 30,891,414 times
Reputation: 12250
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a
room, people say, "Oh My God."
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Old 08-25-2010, 12:18 PM
 
Location: NW NJ & SE Oahu
4,381 posts, read 5,203,868 times
Reputation: 3916
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Old 08-27-2010, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Planet Water
815 posts, read 1,347,188 times
Reputation: 199
http://img.pixs.ru/storage/5/4/6/207jpg_2047343_926546.jpg (broken link)
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Old 08-30-2010, 05:24 PM
 
Location: Bellingham, WA
9,745 posts, read 13,759,476 times
Reputation: 14764


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Old 08-30-2010, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Metromess
11,798 posts, read 21,477,400 times
Reputation: 5059
Sacrilegious jokes:

Jesus on the cross: "Hey, I can see my house from up here!"

Easter is canceled for next year. They found the body.
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Old 08-31-2010, 11:38 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
13,966 posts, read 9,756,573 times
Reputation: 2421
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..









"Repaint! Repaint!....and thin no more!!


Aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha!!! It's the way I tell 'em.
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