Atheist Forum Joke Thread (Jesus, services, Earth, service)

[Lamplight]

[Arena valleygirl]

Man if we did not have a man with a cigar caught between two bushes, and if they all don't need to be Gored, Man if the group of them, men with chimps and spelling errors and a court that doesn't want prayer, the ten commandments, but gays and abortion, In God we trust

It will be funny when all the comedy of congress and senate gets worked out, I wonder is there voting everywhere, man aliens have taken over run for cover, quick lets invest all the companies havn't gone into scandal yet, oh my oh my lol, what will happen next, total slap stick, they get caught, well we will hire them in government, lol

[Tantalust]

[Tantalust]

[Rafius]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[Asheville Native]

A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,
"Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent,
the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding
and he triumphantly asks...

Spoiler

"Is Michael Jackson God?"

[Asheville Native]

there are two nuns and a mother superior who die and go to heaven. st. peter asks the first nun who the first man was. she says, "adam". the second nun is asked who was the first woman, and she says, "eve". st. peter says to the mother superior, "you're question will be harder, if you get it right, you're in." the nun nods, and is asked"what did Eve say to Adam when she first met him?" the nun scratches her head and says..."ooh, that's a hard one..." st peter smiles and says,"ok, you're in!"

[Asheville Native]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,

so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car.''

[InsaneInDaMembrane]

[Tantalust]