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What are some of the funny responses you've given to people who try to convert you? I remember one weekend a few years back when I was painting trim inside my house and a knock came on the door. I went to the door, brush in hand, paint all over me (I'm pretty messy when it comes to painting!).
There stood two Jehovah's Witnesses. They greeted me and one remarked about the fact that I was painting. Yes, I said, I'm putting a coat on my handbasket. He looked quizzical and said "Handbasket?" and I replied "Sure, you know...the one I'm going to hell in!"
The looks on their faces were priceless, and they got the message that I wanted them to scurry along on their way.
The same "sect" sauntered up to me working outside of my shop one pleasant afternoon, patronizing, smirking smiles on their faces. I smiled at them, and said that, yes, I could spare maybe 5 minutes to listen to their "speil"
After about 3 minutes of their endless tripe, I suddently looked up, a terrified look on my face!!!!
"What is it?" they inquired somewhat alarmed?
"Look out! Oh God, no! The sky is falling! I blurted, ran into my shop and closed the door with a slam! They started to put their arms up for a micro-second before they realized I'd "pranked" 'em!
I watched as they skulked back to their waiting getaway car, stern looks of disgust on their defeated faces. And off they drove into the sunset.
Last edited by rifleman; 01-28-2009 at 11:34 AM..
Reason: typos
It seems petty but a Christian had been drilling me about my beliefs and when they finally got the hint that I wasn't going to be convinced they said in a condescending way "Well God bless you then"
So I just said "No thanks" smiled and walked away.
I haven't had any run ins with the faithful since giving up the religion.
One lady at my work who I sit by is "Ms. Christian" (she's an awful, horrible, backstabber and the biggest liar at work) but she has all of these religious self help books at her desk and little bible messages taped on to her cube. We don't speak but the one girl in my office she did talk to (before insulting her about her race) she would always try to get her to read the bible and listen to christian music. She tried one time saying something about god one time in a meeting and got in trouble for it. Even the other 2 christian ladies thought she was out of line.
It's not humorous in any way but when I'm being hounded by the religious I just say to them:
Look, our point in life is(pressumably) to have a personal relationship with god. Why do I need you guys to be the middlemen?
Then I get something like "you are right, as long as you open your heart to god you will find him" and then the topic usually changes.
It's probably important to remember that most ardent Christians really don't have too much of a sense of humor when it comes to jokes about God etc....
Matter of fact, what's that toxic Baptist group that circulates around the country, showing up at the funeral ceremonies for gay military lads or gilrs, or at gay weddings, and spewing their vicious Xtian vitriol? I'd love to see if they have a web site where I could verbally out-gun them incessantly. I'm feeling up to it these days!
Anyone know?
Gotta tell you folks a cute, non-Christian joke I heard last night though. Actually, it's a blonde joke. I'm blonde, so don't chase me down!
An elderly lady advertised for someone to come over and paint her back porch. A cute blonde showed up at the front door and the oldster decided to hire her. She told the girl that "the paint's in the garage, along with everything you'll need. Ring the bell when you're done"
"OK!" said the chipper young blondy.
About 20 minutes later she rang the doorbell. "All done!" she said.
"Wow!! You're very fast! How'd you do it"
"Well" explained the blonde, "It was quite small after all. But you should know, it's pronounced "Porsh", not "porch!"
Ouch!
(Note: as an ex-field engineer for that company (Great company cars, BTW) I can tell you that the blonde was also wrong: it's actually pronounced "Por-ShA". As Porsche's PR people used to say, "Porsche iss a two-zyllable verd!"
It's probably important to remember that most ardent Christians really don't have too much of a sense of humor when it comes to jokes about God etc....
Matter of fact, what's that toxic Baptist group that circulates around the country, showing up at the funeral ceremonies for gay military lads or gilrs, or at gay weddings, and spewing their vicious Xtian vitriol? I'd love to see if they have a web site where I could verbally out-gun them incessantly. I'm feeling up to it these days!
Anyone know?
Gotta tell you folks a cute, non-Christian joke I heard last night though. Actually, it's a blonde joke. I'm blonde, so don't chase me down!
An elderly lady advertised for someone to come over and paint her back porch. A cute blonde showed up at the front door and the oldster decided to hire her. She told the girl that "the paint's in the garage, along with everything you'll need. Ring the bell when you're done"
"OK!" said the chipper young blondy.
About 20 minutes later she rang the doorbell. "All done!" she said.
"Wow!! You're very fast! How'd you do it"
"Well" explained the blonde, "It was quite small after all. But you should know, it's pronounced "Porsh", not "porch!"
Ouch!
(Note: as an ex-field engineer for that company (Great company cars, BTW) I can tell you that the blonde was also wrong: it's actually pronounced "Por-ShA". As Porsche's PR people used to say, "Porsche iss a two-zyllable verd!"
It's probably important to remember that most ardent Christians really don't have too much of a sense of humor when it comes to jokes about God etc....
Matter of fact, what's that toxic Baptist group that circulates around the country, showing up at the funeral ceremonies for gay military lads or gilrs, or at gay weddings, and spewing their vicious Xtian vitriol? I'd love to see if they have a web site where I could verbally out-gun them incessantly. I'm feeling up to it these days!
Anyone know?
Gotta tell you folks a cute, non-Christian joke I heard last night though. Actually, it's a blonde joke. I'm blonde, so don't chase me down!
An elderly lady advertised for someone to come over and paint her back porch. A cute blonde showed up at the front door and the oldster decided to hire her. She told the girl that "the paint's in the garage, along with everything you'll need. Ring the bell when you're done"
"OK!" said the chipper young blondy.
About 20 minutes later she rang the doorbell. "All done!" she said.
"Wow!! You're very fast! How'd you do it"
"Well" explained the blonde, "It was quite small after all. But you should know, it's pronounced "Porsh", not "porch!"
Ouch!
(Note: as an ex-field engineer for that company (Great company cars, BTW) I can tell you that the blonde was also wrong: it's actually pronounced "Por-ShA". As Porsche's PR people used to say, "Porsche iss a two-zyllable verd!"
Westboro Baptist. Check on Venganza.org (the flying spaghetti monster) to see how they took care of the church during a picket
This isn't necessarily something funny I said, but it's funny nonetheless. Well, at least I thought it was hilarious:
Two Mormons walk up to my front door, knock, ring, receive no answer because I'm working out back. I get to the front of the house from the north side just as they're walking south towards the open garage, past the large sign with red letters that says "BEWARE OF VICIOUS BEAST."
One of the young men, in a Mormon induced proselytizing frenzy, commences to walk, uninvited, INTO MY GARAGE (to knock on the door to the house in there, I suppose) just as I'm commencing to yell DON'T GO IN THERE... HUGE DOBERMAN!. Too late. With a youthful spring of step, the young missionary's long legs take him to the halfway point of the inside garage space, at which point the 100+ pound black and tan beast launches his body to the end of his chain and onto the young man's body. Puncture wounds ensued. And I couldn't help but laugh MAO. Apparently their god doesn't protect (or forgive) fools against their trespasses. And he certainly was trespassing.
The dog had to go into quarantine for two weeks, then nothing more was said.
But the Mormons stopped coming around for a few years.
Hmmmm, Fontucky... good strategy! And you were legally protected because of 1) the clearly visible sign, and 2) the idiot was inside your home uninvited, and 3) you shouted a warning.
You actually could have let your dog eat said Mormon, tho' I understand they're sorta indigestible!
I have an old fluorescent orange "BEWARE! DO NOT WALK IN THIS AREA! POLAR BEARS!" poster sign I picked up when I did research on them in Churchill, MN, Canada. I could post it in the entrance driveway to our home.
Hmmm.
(The issue would be to get a pb on some sort of consensual "day release" program from the local zoo for a while... If the bears knew what for, I'm sure they'd gladly participate, even if it were focused on relatively "tough" and odd-tasting Christians / Mormons etc.).
Hmmmm...
Last edited by rifleman; 01-29-2009 at 08:56 AM..
Reason: typos
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"Oh Nooooo!!!"
"Not funny!, dang it!"
Ach-tung! (2)
Hmmmmm.....
