Is it wrong to move away from family? (live, moving to)

[runnergrl]

OC,

I live in LA/ventura now with 8 yr old kids...husband's job brought us out here...we are in a 1600 sq ft house when we have had 3200plus sq ft homes with huge yards in other places. Been here 3 yrs...and I DYING to get back to my native GA because 95% of our family is there...grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins the same age...longtime friends.

You can read a reply post I did for "can a CA liberal be happy in GA?"...older thread...but basically we have relocated many, many times...my husband's job was always our priority...and, oh my, the adventure living in different places. It was great before we had kids...but now they are 8 yrs old and this IS the time when they spend with their extended family and have those precious memories as a part of their childhood.

The cost of getting from east coast to west is expensive and sometimes difficult to plan. Luckily the grandparents can still fly out to us a couple of times a yr...and we do a big 2-3 week trip in the summer to GA to see everyone and marinate in the culture. It has made me realize it would be SO much easier for us to go back and have family experiences all yr around instead of making our main trip getaway to GA. And the big family gatherings for thanksgiving and other holidays throughout the yr...my girls have yet to experience that. My heart hurts when we miss yet another yr of family gatherings in GA.

So anyway...I do understand your dilemma...I wouldnt move to CA...even if we could afford a normal sized house. It has been extraordinarily hard to find geniune people here...but after 3 yrs, I had to get my butt back into church to FIND them. You know...God works his ways. Ga is certainly a more wholesome environment for your kids and being home with them...well, you can never get that time back. I have been at home with mine from the beginning and the time is flying by. I do, however, think the family IS very important and alot of us do take our families for granted when we get caught up in our everyday lives. I know my husband and I did...and it is a huge missing piece...in our lives especially so far out here.

Would there every be a reason...for your parents to retire to GA? For short term your family would be long distance in CA, but as your kids start to form their childhood memories...it is time to get the families closer.

Read my post from that thread I mentioned...I put exactly how I felt about being away from family and the price we have paid to realize it. I dont know if I have helped you....sometimes you just have to pray and listen to your heart. Yours seems like a tough decision.

[OC California]

Thank you for your heartfelt reply. Yes, you are right about childhood memories, holidays, and family gatherings. They are important. The dilema at hand is the fact that I would have to give up being a stay at home mom because I would need to work and put my kids in daycare in order to live near family in California. Having a third child would be out of the question, we have two now. I don't feel right about having another child to put them in daycare so I can go to work. Our daily life and family structure in our home would change because of me having to work and possible financial stresses since CAlif. is more expensive then GA. If we were to go back to Ca and have me stay at home we would have to live in Riverside County, which I don't find very appealing in comparison to orange county.

Then on the other hand we see the great future we could have here in GA and it makes it that much harder.

I feel it is done to do or die and we need to make a decision. Once we build our life here we can't move back to Ca anytime soon given the economy and difference in costs of real estate.


The mind tells you one thing and the heart tells you another.

Any more thoughts or advice are appreciated. I hope you can move back to GA if that is what you really want.

[shania]

OC California,

I really feel for you and your dilemma, because it sounds like the separation from your parents/extended family is really weighing on you. What does your husband think about all this? Because, ultimately, he is your first priority. And then, of course, your kids.

Maybe what you could consider, in the future, once your kids are all in school, is working parttime and using all or part of that money as a travel fund to give you more visits with your parents on the west coast. Or use the money to bring them out to you.

It's just a thought. I think that if your husband is working at a secure job and you can afford a nice home and to stay home with your kids, Georgia is the better choice. IMHO, it's more crucial for your kids to have their mom at home during these years (in Georgia) than it is for them to have their grandparents and be in daycare (in California). And if living in Georgia offers less financial strain, than that's better for your marriage and your immediate family too.

I know it's a hard choice to make. When my mom was alive, I couldn't imagine moving away from her. But if I had got married and my husband's job took me across country, I would have gone, but just done whatever I could to stay connected to my parents: phone, email, webcam, trips, etc.
I hope it all works out for you, whatever you decide to do.

[runnergrl]

Shania...makes some good points, especially with the day care versus being at home and not to mention just having more expendible income by being in a cheaper place.

I mean inspite of feeling so isolated out here in CA to the impromptu family gatherings that would take place if we lived in GA...we do see extended family at least every 2-3 months...not always that same family members but whenever each one gets out here. My parents take these crazy weekend trips...where they literally stay 2 nights and 2 days and they are back in GA. By doing that they are able to take more frequent trips to see us. My inlaws...will come maybe 2-3 times a yr...but stay at least a week or so....and it works out. This is great if your parents can afford to travel and they have no problem flying to you. You ought to make it a priority to get to CA for at least a week or two out of the yr just to spend time with your families...and hey...since it is OC...it would be like vacation. That could work out really well for you.

For me, it is kinda hard to "vacation" in GA, when CA is the vacation destination...haha. I guess there are perks to being here. My priority is not vacation perks but having my girls KNOW their family and where we come from.

You can still have your comfortable life in GA and put your kids' needs first and still incorporate your family into the yearly calendar as much as you can. The family trip out to CA will always be pricey, but you plan ahead and figure it in to the budget. At least you can stay with family to cut down costs. And you know what? I just thought of something...I have actually met a couple of people out here who live back east...and love it...and then come to CA for a week or 2 once a yr because of family. You make the most of your family trips back home.

I hope this helps. I know we will get back to GA in due time. Meanwhile I am still putting family first, by speaking regularly to my mom and other families to stay in the loop...I have family coming here for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I am going to GA next week to spend sometime with my mom...just because I want to. You just have to make it happen.

[CAMademoiselle]

I am moving to GA from CA. My parents live here, my grandparents still live here, my cousin and his family, my uncle... my friend since I was 9 months... lol. They all live here. And I have two children (10 and 3). Leaving my family and friends will be the hardest thing for me.

When I move, my dad is going to come down to help do things (like put together beds), etc. and he will stay for a few weeks, and then my mom will come down. I've also asked my best friend to come down for a month or so, just so that I don't go into shock. I think that having someone from home there every few weeks will make the transition less traumatic in the beginning for both me and the kids.

I know my family does not want us to move, but the fact is that we bust our butts here (in San Francisco) and the cost of living is just crazy. It's hard to raise a family here and the city does not cater to children, period. To get a child into preschool (even public preschools!!!) is so competitive and there are waiting lists that women literally sign up on when they are pregnant. And a house with a yard, please.

I feel like we should be able to see the fruits of our labor. To rent or buy here means that we will have to get less than we have worked for. And I'm not talking about making just a little bit of money. We have good incomes, but the cost here is CRAZY. In Atlanta, we can afford to live there and put the kids in private schools (if we wanted to do that) and have space, and a yard, and a neighboorhood that feels like a neighborhood. I don't remember seeing homeless people like we do here. Here, all the time... if you take your children anywhere, they see it daily. On the way to school, on the way from school, on a field trip. Going to the supermarket.

I'm not saying that material things replace memories, because I'm not a superficial person, but I do think it's about balance and having the best quality of life possible, which is made up of many different factors.

It's a scary thought though. And I have family in Atlanta, so it's not like I'll just be there with no one, but it's still not the same as having mom and dad and grandma and grandpa around. I'm sure there will be moments when I will just be desperate for home, but that's what phones are for. I've decided that we will stay there until my son finishes middle school and if I really can't handle it, then I'll come home. But, I might also find a life that I love in Altanta, or decide to move somewhere else that is not home. Or maybe my dad will return to the south (where he's from) and my mom will come too. I don't know. I'm going to give it a shot though. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, KWIM?

Ultimately, we all have to do what is best for us and hope that we're doing the right thing.

(My husband is not American and has moved all his life and doesn't quite get why it's so hard. He's like, "hurry up, let's go already," but it's just not that easy.)

[runnergrl]

That has been my other beef with Ca...it is so expensive. Everywhere else we have lived...cost of living is balanced. Here it is just over the top. I feel you a pay high price no matter what....it certainly doesnt mean quality. It's crazy. I have seen large families squeezed into 3 br condos or apts just to get their kids into a good school system. Everything here is a constant trade off. You want a good school system, well, prepare to pay for it. It is no wonder all Ca's middle class folks are leaving....they just get tired of working so hard to have so little. Most of the ones I meet here are only because of their families and they dont know any different.

The other thing...since I was raised in the south...I dont care too much for this liberal mindset out here. People are apathic about their faith or lack thereof. I am ready to embrace my conservative roots and the importance having a steadfast faith. I want my kids to know what it is like to be in a supportive community where it isnt offensive when folks ask you what church you go to.

[CAMademoiselle]

Originally Posted by runnergrl

That has been my other beef with Ca...it is so expensive. Everywhere else we have lived...cost of living is balanced. Here it is just over the top. I feel you a pay high price no matter what....it certainly doesnt mean quality. It's crazy. I have seen large families squeezed into 3 br condos or apts just to get their kids into a good school system. Everything here is a constant trade off. You want a good school system, well, prepare to pay for it. It is no wonder all Ca's middle class folks are leaving....they just get tired of working so hard to have so little. Most of the ones I meet here are only because of their families and they dont know any different.

A lot of what you said is right on point, the cost of living here is not balanced in most places and especially the major cities. In my city, you can expect to pay at least $900 for a studio apartment that may not even be that nice. It's like what the heck???

For what we have here, we don't pay that much in comparison to how much places are going and we still pay an arm and a leg and my kids constantly complain about not having a backyard.

The good thing is the schools (at least in Frisco) aren't zoned, so you can live where you want and your kid can still go to a good public school, using the term "good" loosely. lol... I think CA is pretty low on the list of per pupil spending.

I do think the positives are the open-minded people, the acceptance of different ways of life and appreciation of differences, but it doesn't outweight or even make the negatives equal.

That's not to say that I would never live here again, but just that, for now with my kids the ages they are, moving seems to be my only option to have the quality of life we want and that we deserve to have based on how hard we work.

[runnergrl]

CAMadam,

We visited your area(SF, napa, etc) last month...and wow...it was pretty neat...compared to southern CA...I liked it much better. The people dressed was classy and had air of sophistation. The food was good. But to live there with the cost of living...made it completely not worth it. Why is it even more expensive there than southern CA.

I did enjoy our visit....Sf is beautiful and has a great vibe...no where down here in S CA do get anything like that.

[CAMademoiselle]

Originally Posted by runnergrl

CAMadam,

We visited your area(SF, napa, etc) last month...and wow...it was pretty neat...compared to southern CA...I liked it much better. The people dressed was classy and had air of sophistation. The food was good. But to live there with the cost of living...made it completely not worth it. Why is it even more expensive there than southern CA.

I did enjoy our visit....Sf is beautiful and has a great vibe...no where down here in S CA do get anything like that.

The vibe is awesome. I mean, it is a great place to live if you have a lot of money (meaning above middle class) or don't have kids.

For many people, like my friends, they don't mind living in apartments that cost too much or are too small. They don't mind looking for parking for up to 45 minutes if you get home late. They figure it's a tradeoff for the cool vibe, the views, the food.

Like I said, I will probably move back evetually, but while my children are young, I just want something more catered to families, and San Francisco is just not that city.

[runnergrl]

It can always be that place you love to visit. I read somewhere in an article about how one shouldnt buy real estate in that area(SF)....instead rent there and then buy somewhere where you could retire or have a weekend getaway such as Tahoe. It certainly made sense. Since that area is SO expensive, it just isnt realistic for a family to have the american dream of having a decent house. As a family too...it would be hard making a rental feel like home for however long you would be there.