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I move to Texas, almost 2 years ago. Really hate it here. I miss my family and friends. most of all my 2 daughters. my girls are 19 and 22, both in school. I feel so lost and confused. I moved for my husband career. Feel like a lost everything, my career, children, family, close friends and clients. I guess I'm being selfish:/.
Really hate it here. I miss my family and friends. most of all my 2 daughters. my girls are 19 and 22, both in school. I feel so lost and confused.
I moved for my husband career. Feel like a lost everything, my career, children, family, close friends and clients.
I guess I'm being selfish:/.
No, I don't think you're being selfish to express your feelings. But if you're having this much trouble adjusting after 2 years, I'd suggest you seek out some professional counseling. Seriously. Don't stay lost and confused. Get some help.
With the internet, staying in touch with distant friends and family has never been easier. And one of the things you'll need to come to grips with, one way or another, is that your daughters have arrived at the times of their lives when gaining some distance from you would be natural and normal anyway.
Also, turning your attention from what you feel you've lost to what you have to gain here would be healthy. Find new activities, make new friends, get busy, and stop dwelling on the past. That's where the grief comes from, the past. But life only exists in the present moment. Losing your own precious life today, in the present moment, is a bigger loss than what you left behind.
Like i said, get some emotional support from a professional, to help move through the pain and back into the present.
My heart goes out to you. And, you're not alone. It is not easy to leave and start over. I had to look at it not only as a death, but a re-birth of better things to come. (or else I would go stark raving mad)
I can tell you it helped to find a group of women where I could be myself. I also found other women that felt the same way and we wound up laughing with each other about our pain from the loss. I found there are many others here that are not "from" here. (I could have gone to pay a counselor to hear my woes...I'd much rather spend that money on a tree)
Also, I think there is a grieving period but for me it had to end and I had to move on. It was important to see what this new venture had to offer and I had to stop saying, "but this place doesn't have", and I changed it to, "this place has".
For instance...where I came from I could NOT garden 12 months out of the year. That is a real positive for me. (although I have bouts of skin cancer and have to be careful I still go outside)
I could not go biking 12 months out of the year, or walking safely, (because of ice/snow) for 12 months out of the year. I can here!
After awhile it was a good feeling to realize this was a whole new place, a new venture, a new chapter in my life. I left a lot of tragedy back "home" and I could continue the tragedy or have new hope for today. Also, your children are still alive, you can still talk to them, see them. You're lucky.
It's like a book. Sometimes I just hate it when the book ends and other times I read so fast through it I'm glad to be done with it. Being here is a new chapter in the book I want to read again and again.
Sorry for going on...
Hang in there and once you look inside you will know and see what you need to do for yourself.
One of the first things that brought me out of the depression upon moving here was all the fresh fruits and vegetables. (of course it had to be food...) I never ate a mango in my life until we moved here. The stuff is so fresh here it's incredible.
The other thing I noticed was how light the flour was for baking. I know that sounds strange but when I use flour here my dough is completely different. (maybe it's the hormone change...)
Be good to yourself, it will pass. Do something nice for you today. And thank you for posting because I do NOT forget the hell I felt when we moved here in 2009. I closed up every curtain and blind and hid for a bit.
I literally thought God must hate me because I was now in purgatory, or on my bad days, hell itself, (it was soooo hot).
This spring has given me hope.
Feel free to send me a message any ole time. And if all this sounds "selfish" well...if we don't take care of our"selves" we're no good to anyone! It's not being selfish it's called survival.
Welcome and keep posting!
Last edited by oldtoiletsmkgdflrpots; 04-20-2012 at 09:15 AM..
Wow...I don't have any answers but can empathize with your situation. We've been here almost 4 years and I feel like I'm in 'limbo'---like a long vacation. We had a family 'project' to take care of and that was two years ago(our 90 year-old aunt was the main reason we came here--she's back where she grew up and in a nursing home, so we are 'free' to go where we wish).
I left a 25-year reputation and hundreds of tennis 'buddies' back in Atlanta. I was a minor 'hot dog' back there and couldn't really go anywhere without seeing a friend or someone who knew me from tennis. A five-page MRI report and suggestion of knee replacement have kept me pretty much off the tennis court since moving here. THAT might have happened even in Atlanta(but at least they have 'soft' courts readily available for us old geezers ).
We don't have kids, but our niece finished UT and moved to South America--my DW was closer to her and misses her but we have a young nephew out here to 'take her place'. With your children off at school, you likely would be feeling that 'loss' even back in Kentucky...just not as stark a realization that you couldn't see them as often.
Pardon my assumption, but your 'age bracket' likely will bring about some other changes that will be challenging. A lot happens to us in those 'middle years'. Just communicating with others facing similar circumstances can bring some comfort and insight into the best course of action. Make sure you take care of yourself health-wise and let's look forward to my predicted 'milder' summer months that will remind us of one of the reasons it's great to live here.
One immediate suggestion(IF you ride a bicycle) would be to join a riding group like the folks who will leave from Mellow Johnny's on 4th St.-- Saturday @ 9AM and head out to Mueller and cover some of the city bike routes. It's an easy, relaxed pace with folks of all ages and riding abilities. Let's combine socializing with exercise and enjoy a beautiful Saturday morning!
New Start Time Scout-a-route Mueller Meander - Extended
04/21 (Sat) 9:00am D-2 21 mi This no-drop, co-ed group ride is perfect for the cyclist new to riding or bike commuting, returning to the bike or just looking for a more casual ride. The routes are designed to help riders navigate the city bike routes and other safe bike commuting options. We average 12mph for distances between 15-25 miles. These rides are intended for exploring, so leave your heart rate monitor at home, bring some spare dollars for the occasional refreshment stop and enjoy the view.
Thank you for making this a popular Saturday morning ride. In response, we are now hosting two groups for this ride. The first group is designed for those who can average 14-16mph for 20-30 miles with one or two regrouping points. This group follows the same route but is provided with an extended mileage option. The second group is our traditional Scout-a-route. We average 12mph for distances between 15-25 miles with regrouping points. Both rides are intended to explore, so leave your heart rate monitor at home, bring some spare dollars for the occasional refreshment stop and enjoy the view. Today's ride cruises through the east side to check out the new Mueller development then we'll be extending the route for a loop into Hyde Park.
I'm thankful every day for my relative good health and our reasonably secure financial situation. Not for a minute do I think my 'sacrifice' to come here is a great burden, but I am concerned that I'm just letting 'time go by'. I've taken steps to address that and look forward to an improved 'relationship' with my new home. Best of luck to you in finding a satisfying 'place' here in Austin.
Hey Jnita. You have a double whammy--an empty nest and moving to a new place. You sure have my empathy. We moved in June of 2010 from Plano, TX to Austin. Just as I was starting to make friends and get adjusted to Austin, we had to move to Albuquerque, NM in August of 2011. We have been here about nine months now, and I can relate to how you feel. I really don't know how those military people keep their sanity with all of that moving.
I definitely have my down days--sometimes I feel like I'm lost. I have found that volunteering really helps me. I'm volunteering for my favorite political candidate, which really helps me meet like-minded people. I also volunteer at my kids' schools and am active at our synagogue. We have met some very nice people at our synagogue.
I recommend fighting against the urge to hole up, and get out and volunteer. It is hard at first because you have to do the whole put on a happy face thing and try to meet people. I must say, despite meeting alot of nice people, I still don't have a best friend or somebody I feel very close to here. I take a long time to become close with people I guess. Feel free to pm me too. I still have my bad days.
I also can empathize. We moved here, then were hit with my husband's terminal disease. To me, that seemed like a recipe for isolation - go somewhere that you have no connections, then get seriously ill. Luckily, I have found a few things to help. First, I found a church that is just right for me. I joined a ladies' study group that meets once a week that has become a great support for me and my family. The church will soon be starting a caregivers' support group, too. I also knit prayer shawls whenever I am watching TV or waiting at doctors' appointments. Making something that will carry comfort and prayers to someone who is in need of these things is a blessing to me as well. I am also starting with the choir next week. The more people you know, the more hugs you get, and the more support you can give to others. One thing I have learned is that my suffering makes me a better listener and more empathetic for others who are suffering. Feeling that you are giving is very helpful when you feel down. In this way, your pain can actually result in a blessing to others, as well as yourself. The other thing I have done is volunteer now and then for the Wildflower Center, which is close to me. I'm sure it is not the same for everyone, but for me, the beauty of nature is a consolation, and helping in a small way to maintain it reduces my feelings of helplessness. My best wishes to you. I missed my son when he went to college, but that was before we moved, so I still had my home and support system from being there 22 years, so I don't think it hit me as hard. The main thing is to reach out. Don't isolate yourself. You will find people and activities to support and sustain you.
I'm really touched by everyone's heartfelt responses to the OP. We all may bicker a bit about our town on these boards, but your posts show the true spirit of the folks on this board. I hope she finds some comfort and wisdom in the advice you have provided.
Wow, don't know what to say. I'm sorry. Try to keep in mind your sadness is temporary, this situation won't last forever and your circumstances will change.
Lots of good responses. Don't isolate yourself, do as suggested in the responses.
Also, though it seems corny, writing a "gratitude list" of all the things you are grateful for in life can be an amazing exercise to help refresh our perspectives.
And, most effective, I think, is looking for ways to help others who are worse off. There are a lot of volunteer opportunities in Austin. Sometimes helping others is the best way to help ourselves in life.
I have also felt that way. We were living in Colorado and I was having the time of my life too, even being nowhere near family. Then my sister and I got pregnant at the same time, but she lived in Texas near family and I didn't and that's when all those feelings hit...big time! I was jealous that her pregnancy was easy and mine was difficult, and I had to spend nearly a month in bedrest with zero help and my sister had people at her beck and call 24-7. She had several baby showers and I had none. My middle sister came up to see me and brought me a huge box of goodies and gave me her version of a baby shower. Even though it was only the 2 of us, I will forever be thankful for her kindness. After our babies got here one day apart and amazingly both at 10:25am (mine was a month premature) again those jealousy and sadness feelings crept in because neither of my parents or any family came to Denver to be with me because they were with my sister. It was a month before anyone came to visit. I was seriously angry, sad, lonely and felt totally helpless. I even had insomnia from literally no sleep for 2 weeks because my daughter literally did not sleep through the night until she was a year old. I would literally end up in tears when my mom or dad would call and tell me all about my niece and what a great sleeper she was. They would also tell me how they were helping my sister and that she couldn't talk because she was taking a nap. I really did hate my life and hated my parents and sister. GOD bless my obstetrician and my daughters pediatrician for noticing my distress and anxiety and for the wonderful volunteer group they sent to me. It was called visiting moms and what they do is come spend one or two hours at homes where new moms have no support system. My wonderful "mom " came and taught me how to establish a routine and how to sneak in naps (total lifesaver) and even how to make toys for her. She also got me to get involved with a playgroup. A visiting nurse also came and she helped me learn how to do tummy time and how to help her reach milestones. I am forever grateful for those ladies and to piggyback on GGrasshopper's post, that is how wonderful and touching a volunteer can be. I think my "mom " was also an empty nester
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