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I have been truly blown away by the friendliness and camaraderie in my tiny little rural SW neighborhood.
Agreed- we must be lucky! Our neighbors are the best. I go out for happy hour with my co-workers every Friday. Last Friday we all went to Walburg to celebrate a birthday. As an aside, I live SW as well.
We found out that an old friend lived here in Austin on one of our visits before moving. We didn't even know that she was here even though she and her husband moved to Austin in '94 right after college as we lost touch. She was featured in a Chronicle article and I was blown away when I saw her picture. These friends gave us a built-in network that was so important to our adjustment to living here.
On the other hand, I totally see what you're saying OP. I found it very hard to make good friends in Detroit when I lived there. Don't get me wrong, I made some great friends that I still keep in touch with 10 years later but it was hard at the time and I remember feeling like I didn't belong there.
What are your interests? Maybe that would help us make some suggestions.
Not sure why you quoted my post, ITC. We don't live in a subdivision and we do not have young children. We've probably made as many friends as we have because we actually get out of the house and live, rather than while away hours on the pc, overanalyzing the city we live in and the people who live in it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cardiff Giant
Agreed- we must be lucky! Our neighbors are the best. I go out for happy hour with my co-workers every Friday. Last Friday we all went to Walburg to celebrate a birthday. As an aside, I live SW as well.
I love it here! Our back porch has become an informal cantina on Friday nights and we welcome it. People here are so friendly.
It's all about transiency and crowding.....even some areas that you would think of as somewhat unfriendly, like Key West, are far more friendly than Austin just because they are small and people don't feel suffocated by their fellow man. I love KW, but, till I moved to Austin, thought it was a bit insular for my taste to live in, but it actually is easier to talk to locals there than here, and that's not saying much.
Austin needs to slow down growth and consolidate the growth it has before it takes on the normal friendly nature of established neighborhoods in say Boston, Chicago, Denver, SF, and even much of older DFW and Houston. Give it 10 years, and you might find a far friendlier city...
I'm going to go on a tangent for a bit, but I think it's important to address something that keeps coming up in this thread:
I don't think the insular quality that people are talking about in this thread is unique to Austin. Rather, it seems to be a part of the culture in all large American cities. I've traveled all around Europe and have found people there to be a lot less insular than Americans in many respects. The way our cities are organized promotes a feeling of separation from our fellow man: suburban sprawl, America's emphasis on private transportation over public transportation, strip malls, and large homes all encourage people to spend less time with others and more time with themselves (and I'm definitely guilty of spending too much time alone!). Sometimes I think our hyper-individualism comes at a big price.
European cities tend to be smaller, denser, and filled with a lot more public spaces. All these things encourage more socialization. I lived in Madrid for 5 months, and over there, it's almost unheard of for people to invite strangers into their homes (whereas, in the United States, house parties/gatherings are very common). Instead, people tend to go out in groups and spend time in public places. I would hang out every week with my Spanish friends and never once saw where they lived.
I am finding this thread really weird! When I arrived here - granted it is nearly 8 years ago, the friendliness drove me nuts. Granted I have never lived in a subdivision or mega apartment complex, but I have memories of people I had met once stopping me while walking downtown or on the drag and wanting to chat endlessly and me thinking: "Jesus, if i wanted to talk to you for fifteen minutes, I would call you and we could go for coffee." And then the long chats between the check out clerk and some customer while everyone else is waiting on line, and I am internally screaming "Hurry up people!" I got a flat tire half an hour after driving down from Chicago and the guy who was trimming the trees at the house next door was unbelievably helpful. I realized later that I had moved into a section of Clarkesville, where everybody was very much up in everybody else's business (mostly but not always in a good way, and people were curious about the newcomer.) My immediate neighbor became my best friend. I agree that Austin can be cliquey - you just gotta find your clique. My tested strategy for meeting people in a new place is to keep going to places you like over and over again - the same bar, the same coffee-shop, the same farmer's market, the same restaurant (its important to pick places you like!!) and eventually the regulars will get curious and come and talk to you. I have found Austinites quite quick to invite you into their homes - much quicker than anywhere else I have lived. I have also found that often the new people you think you are going to be friends with don't pan out, and someone I initially thought was a little dull or strange turns out to be great, so I try to stay open and not rush to friendship decisions. Good luck to the OP!!
I just don't feel that Austin is unique to any other city of it's size in terms of daily life. I think an important thought to consider is just today's frantic pace of life that we live overall. Between full-time jobs and the commutes to and from them, home maintenance, raising children and participating in their activities, and finding any smidgen of time left to pursue your own hobbies and interests, how can it come as a surprise that people in many areas are not as neighbor-centric as the days of old? These issues are not limited to any one city - they're in existence across the nation.
My own personal Austin experience has been much like homeinatx's. The friendliness has never frazzled me, it's just been lovely from day one. I lived in the same place my entire life before moving here and making new friends was something I worried about. My worries were for naught!
Invite inthecut over for a beer and to talk politics, economics and philosophy. He'll oblige next time he's in town.
Other than that, you described the steps one would expect to result in making new acquaintances, so I'm not able to say why you haven't.
Is it possible you are too weird or different? Do you talk too much or have any odd mannerisms, body odor? I'm serious. When around people, when you speak, what do you say? What sort of conversations do you start? There must be some reason you are not attracting relationships.
I'll also say that we don't meet "friends". We make acquaintances. It is from those acquaintances that friendships grow. I think a lot of people want to get straight across the finish line in making new friends when really you just want to get across the starting line first.
Loneliness can be a drag. Hang in there. Maybe try doing the opposite of whatever you've been doing, the complete opposite. If you never go out to bars, spend a week in bars after work. If you're normally quiet and reserved, chat up strangers. Get drunk and sing Karaoke. If you hate dogs, go to the dog park and pet a dog. Just stir the pot a bit and see what happens. This works for just about anything in life with regard to getting "unstuck" or out of a rut. Be bold and fearless, not prudent and wise. Go for it.
I'm going to go on a tangent for a bit, but I think it's important to address something that keeps coming up in this thread:
I don't think the insular quality that people are talking about in this thread is unique to Austin. Rather, it seems to be a part of the culture in all large American cities. I've traveled all around Europe and have found people there to be a lot less insular than Americans in many respects. The way our cities are organized promotes a feeling of separation from our fellow man: suburban sprawl, America's emphasis on private transportation over public transportation, strip malls, and large homes all encourage people to spend less time with others and more time with themselves (and I'm definitely guilty of spending too much time alone!). Sometimes I think our hyper-individualism comes at a big price.
European cities tend to be smaller, denser, and filled with a lot more public spaces. All these things encourage more socialization. I lived in Madrid for 5 months, and over there, it's almost unheard of for people to invite strangers into their homes (whereas, in the United States, house parties/gatherings are very common). Instead, people tend to go out in groups and spend time in public places. I would hang out every week with my Spanish friends and never once saw where they lived.
Any thoughts on this?
I've lived in many different cities in North America, and I think the main difference is the percentage of immigrants versus "native." In my NW Austin neighborhood, everyone on the block (except me) is a proud native Texan. The people in my office are native Texans. There's this immediate feeling of exclusion.
When I lived in LA, I lived in a number of neighborhoods. Even though people told me that LA could be a tough city, I found people very friendly. One factor could be because everyone was from somewhere else, so they had moved to LA to pursue a dream, the weather, etc... and they were eager to talk to new people, make connections, and talk about their aspirations. Yes, probably a higher degree of single folks.
Someone had asked me in this thread - I made friends very easily in LA. Had weekend dinner parties all the time.
The driving/transportation factor in LA created neighborhoods. In NW Austin, it's definitely got that highway/strip mall/accessibility priority.
The tough part for me is that after all the volunteer work I've done all over Austin, I just don't know if I can move to another neighborhood and it will be any better.
Not sure why you quoted my post, ITC. We don't live in a subdivision and we do not have young children. We've probably made as many friends as we have because we actually get out of the house and live, rather than while away hours on the pc, overanalyzing the city we live in and the people who live in it.
I love it here! Our back porch has become an informal cantina on Friday nights and we welcome it. People here are so friendly.
Don't take it personally.....BTW, many of us post often.....and I cetainly wouldn't want anyone to agree with everything I say. Something would be very wrong if that was the case.....
I think, also, you have to make a huge effort, and that takes doing, especially for shyer people. It's easy to say just get out there, but many people are not gifted as much as others with social skills, charm, or conversation, and need a structured situation. I can wing it, but many can't. Also, I'm hardly a wallflower(look at my pic at the end of the post,
do i really look awkward?), and lucky I have that ability. So many do not though, and we live in a very isolated culture that seems to numb/kill off social skills(the web you mention indeed does, along with all the time we spend in cars and in social hibernation on cell phones, amongst many other situations). Our housing patterns also cause us to feel/be isolated, and many just close the garage down behind them when they go home from work, and do not mix.
You have to fight it, and really make an effort in a new place, especially one very transient like Austin. If you have those connections, it means you went out there and made something happen.
I am finding this thread really weird! When I arrived here - granted it is nearly 8 years ago, the friendliness drove me nuts. Granted I have never lived in a subdivision or mega apartment complex, but I have memories of people I had met once stopping me while walking downtown or on the drag and wanting to chat endlessly and me thinking: "Jesus, if i wanted to talk to you for fifteen minutes, I would call you and we could go for coffee." And then the long chats between the check out clerk and some customer while everyone else is waiting on line, and I am internally screaming "Hurry up people!" I got a flat tire half an hour after driving down from Chicago and the guy who was trimming the trees at the house next door was unbelievably helpful. I realized later that I had moved into a section of Clarkesville, where everybody was very much up in everybody else's business (mostly but not always in a good way, and people were curious about the newcomer.) My immediate neighbor became my best friend. I agree that Austin can be cliquey - you just gotta find your clique. My tested strategy for meeting people in a new place is to keep going to places you like over and over again - the same bar, the same coffee-shop, the same farmer's market, the same restaurant (its important to pick places you like!!) and eventually the regulars will get curious and come and talk to you. I have found Austinites quite quick to invite you into their homes - much quicker than anywhere else I have lived. I have also found that often the new people you think you are going to be friends with don't pan out, and someone I initially thought was a little dull or strange turns out to be great, so I try to stay open and not rush to friendship decisions. Good luck to the OP!!
Good point about superficial friendliness compared to real friendliness.....superficial has more to do with mannerisms....the friendliness in the south is mostly manners...salutations, respect, holding doors open, yes maam, no sir, smiles, waves......that doesn't mean someone wants to hang with you, or really get to know you. It does mean that southerners have more respect for strangers, and give off a wonderful social lubricant for the same, just like in a rural town.....the real deal is when you get to know and hang with the person. People can and should be picky about who they truly open up with and feel something for.
This isn't facebook, when "friends" can number in the hundred, and they are just blips on the bottom left of the screen....
Finally, there is a diff between aquaintances and friends......friends are someone you very much know and care about, and someone you would first go to in a crisis.....aquaintances are neighbors, people you work with, clerks in stores you frequent often, fellow club members, people you simply run into often and that you mutually know by name.....you can have 100 + aquaintances, but only a handful of friends, unless you want to make the term meaningless....
Is it possible you are too weird or different? Do you talk too much or have any odd mannerisms, body odor? I'm serious. When around people, when you speak, what do you say? What sort of conversations do you start? There must be some reason you are not attracting relationships.
Well, I'm not white. That's the only thing I wonder about here in "Liberal" Austin.
My next door neighbor said to me when I first moved in, "You're the first colored person on the block!"
My favorite line to me was, "What do you people do for Christmas?"
I didn't know how to reply. Slaughter chickens? Pray to King Tut?
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