New To Bend, Hard to Meet People Single 30 somethin (Portland: health insurance, crime)

[Yoni777]

Hi, I just moved to Bend a month ago after living in the Portland area for around 6 to 7 years. I will say I have fallen in love with the beauty of the area around Bend and the town is very clean and well kept. There also is a lot of stores in this little town to keep me satisifed, except for clothing stores.

I am 31 years old and have a home business and don't really have any real great way of socializing. After moving to Bend I was shocked at how empty the town is and what few events are going on that would coincide with my interests. I am reserved and more on the conservative/religous side. Going to bars, dance clubs, or other related venues are not something I engage in anymore. I enjoy living a more peaceful, quiet, sober lifestyle. I prefer classical and opera music to loud rock music, which seems to be the normal musical fare in this town. Quiet walks in the wood are more enjoyable than adrenaline pumping snowboarding. I enjoy tea/coffe versus long drunken and wild nights in bars. However, it seems being 31 and single its hard to meet others who are like-minded. I didn't grow up here and I don't really understand the town exactly.

The people seem friendly, but reserved, which is typical of the Pac NW, but seems to be amplified in this town. Maybe, the reclusive nature of people is remnisicent of why they leave a city to live here? I gues I feel challenged or awkward to try to pry my way into any deep conversation, as I usually get a "you're taking too much of my time" or "please mind your own business", response. THis response is inferred, just the feeling I get, from the gestures. I don't blame them though, after all in USA (esp Pac NW), you normally or cannot easily just start conversations with strangers in any environment, than an organized social gathering. WHen I was in other countries its OK, not in USA. This is my dilemma.

The churches here don't meet too often and it seems more family oriented. Of course, I plan on attending some churches, even though I am not exactly of Christian faith, but Messianic Jewish belief. I have some differences that made associating with Christian people a bit of a challenge. I guess I would like to make friends religious or secular who could accept me. Any person of a spiritual nature, Hindu, Christian, Buddhist, I can make friends with, as long as they can accept my religious beliefs and not devote their lives to having endless spiritual debates of why their religion is better.

I am athletic, enjoy hiking and maybe will try some outdoorsy groups, although I have yet to find any listed, except on meetup. However, that group meets quite seldomly. Usually I am busy with work, so devoting long hours to go into the forest for hikes is not always easy.

I Don't mean to sound like a pessimist, but I think a 30 something single guy doesn't belong in Bend. It seems like a town for families, retirees, snowboarder/barmongers and tourists. I have not yet hit up the bar scene and loathe doing it.

Portland offered a lot of activities and ways to meet people. I guess I didn't like city life, because of traffic, crime and lack of outdoor activies. However, I am starting to get cabin fever in Bend. The town looks a bit dead if your not a barmonger and finding any constructive activities seem challenging. I guess not living in a small town in over 10 years, I was not sure what to expect. It was a bit of a culture shock. Walking into a large store, being the only one there and going to a coffeeshop and seeing the placed filled with highschoolers. In Portland, the coffeeshops were usually filled with lots of 20,30 + people.. Here it is older people or teenagers.

Well, these are my observations. I think I will have a hard time connecting with people here. But, I am open to hear what others have to say. Or , if there is like minded people who live in Bend ,well if you're interesting, then I be happy to meet you. LOL.

Please nobody slam me for being a negative, self-hating, judgmental, xenophobic, etc kind of guy.. I am not knocking yiou, Bend or the people here, I am just saying the experience I am having. I do think if I was 40+ and had a wife and kids, it would be a wonderful place; but, perhaps I came here too early.

[Silverfall]

I think your expectations for Bend were off. It is a city of 80,000 people so it is small by most city standards.

Bend has a lot of retirees and tourism has been a huge industry which is why their economy is struggling right now.

Why did you choose Bend to live since it sounds like you could live anywhere? You do realize that you are comparing Portland which has 1.2 million people or so in the metro area to a town of 80,000 people?

[Bendite]

I'm not surprised you are having a more difficult time than you had anticipated. I think there is a strong social community for young conservative Christians but no so much for other people in your age group who aren't looking that or for the bar scene. Bend has lost some events that would have appealed to you, due to the economy, but there may be some concerts coming up around the holidays in Sunriver that you'd enjoy. We have good community theater and there are often good things offered at the Tower Theater. The best way to meet people is to volunteer. You might find the High Desert Museum, the Tower Theater, or the High Desert Chamber Music company have opportunities

Try these links

Cascade Arts & Entertainment (http://www.cascadeae.com/artsmusic.htm - broken link)

High Desert Chamber Music (http://www.highdesertchambermusic.com/tickets.html - broken link)

[Leisesturm]

Originally Posted by Yoni777

Please nobody slam me for being a negative, self-hating, judgmental, xenophobic, etc kind of guy.. I am not knocking yiou, Bend or the people here, I am just saying the experience I am having. I do think if I was 40+ and had a wife and kids, it would be a wonderful place; but, perhaps I came here too early.

Can you handle online dating? It sounds like your only option. Even then, you might want to work on your outlook. I'm not slamming you, far from it, just saying. I am also wondering if you considered the potential for confustion caused by your username?

H

[Yoni777]

I appreciate the good responses people have posted. I wanted to move to Colorado Springs, but I work with my father remotely, and he is located in Oregon. For health insurance reasons and for the fact he didn't want me to move too far away, I stayed in Bend, hoping it would work. I thought Colorado Springs would have been ideal, but the cost of moving there would have meant me selling most of what I own and then my Father (who I work with), would have been upset.

Bend has awesome scenery and the weather looked better, so I thought it would have been the best place I could move. I guess I didn't realize the lack of social scene until after I moved there.

Yeah, it bites, but I want to make the best of this. I was just sick and tired of the rain and Portland's super liberal vibe is cool for some, but wasn't my cup of tea. Not to say, I couldn't enjoy Portland, in some ways I do miss the city, but I wanted a change after all those years. I have lived on and off in Portland for 8-9 years total and was there for 6-7 years last time. I have lived everywhere from Felony Flats in Portland (72 & Flavel area) to the upscale neighborhoods of Tigard and Beaveton.

I am planning on in a year or so going to Colorado Springs or maybe Denver, but I would like to try to make Bend work for now. I will check out the links that other users have posted and would appreciate any other ideas people may have. As far as my outlook, if you have a great idea on how I can improve my situaiton, please feel free to share that, but I have a hard time having a great outlook as of now, but maybe after I am herre a while longer things will get better.

As far as online dating, I was always afraid of meeting some stranger on the net. THere is so many weird people on there and its hard to know if what they are writing is real. However, I can handle anything, it's just I feel weird meeting people online, I am more old fashioned and like to meet people face to face. On another note, Bend is quite small, I saw lot of online dating stuff for PDX area, but I am not aware of any online dating service in Bend. I find online dating a pain, because it seems so business like and after writing long letters/resumes to the person, they may just choose to ignore you. Finding a date, I know is a great challenge here, I guess I was just trying to find some friends first, maybe I can get connected that way.

To Leiesturm, what is wrong with my id? It just a nickname I chose quickly. Is there anyway to change my user id? Maybe I will need to reregister.

[Nina-in-Ashland]

For your edification on the Sanskrit ... Yoni - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It doesn't exactly make one think "man", LOL.

[Yoni777]

YOni is Hebrew name.. I am not Indian.. Its like the english equivalent of JOhnny.. Anyhow, because of the confusion this handle has invoked, I will go and reregister with a new name. I am not sure how to change my id here.

[Steve97415]

Your personality profile sounds quite a bit like mine. Accordingly, I'll make some predictions that may or may not fit your situation:

1. You probably find it easier to relate to women than to other men. I'm not talking about romantic relationships here, just the ability to hold a sustained conversation with someone who seems to have similar interests. You value having fewer, deeper friendships over having a lot of friends.

2. You fit the profile of a "late bloomer" in terms of social intelligence. In high school you did well academically and weren't plagued by the angst of adolescence the way that some of your peers were, but you also didn't have the social facility they had. As a result, it is rather annoying that many if not most people in your age group are married...or perhaps divorced...when you don't have that much mileage on your relationship odometer yet.

3. You're somewhat of a fish-out-of-water in the bar scene and other overt meet-up venues. You feel largely invisible to others and the amount of ambient noise in such places seems like an impediment to your way of socializing. Very few people there are "your kind" anyway. You might spend an hour or less walking around in such a place and then leave, thinking, "why did I even bother?" Going to such a place might actually increase your sense of social isolation.

4. Being in a large metropolitan area isn't necessarily the answer, either. There may be a lot more people in your age group, but either they are already paired up or are self-sufficient in their current social cliques. In general it isn't easy to gain more than superficial acknowledgment from them. If you attended a university, you may have experienced the same thing -- thousands of people your own age, yet you and they were just ships passing in the night, socially speaking.

5. Despite the fact that coffee shops in Portland might be full of 20 and 30 somethings, it doesn't really increase your odds of social success. You might get some superficial satisfaction in being around those people, but it isn't very likely that a "breakthrough" will result from simply being in that environment.

People with type B personalities are often attracted to others with similarly reserved dispositions. That can result in a social standoff scenario as each person is waiting for social initiation from the other. Sometimes A/B relationships work out well. It's also helpful to have a "facilitator" -- a third-party person who has a lot of natural social ease to help bring people together. I would attend some organized group meetings...maybe Sierra Club, Audubon Society and Unitarian/Universalists of Central Oregon. More importantly, I would check out the COCC catalog for special interest classes you might be able to take. Also, don't feel too put-off by seemingly unsuccessful first contacts. In college, I finally got up the courage to introduce myself to a girl I admired. She smiled and said, "nice to meet you" and then immediately made an excuse to depart and rejoin her comfort group. But...that at least resulted in a basis for saying "hi" during subsequent pass-bys. It turned out that she had a boyfriend at the time, and I had a girlfriend the following two years. But after college several years later, we started going out. I was 33 when we got married.

I think that you are partly correct in that Bend is more family oriented than it is a place for singles. But I also think that for someone like you, being in a singles' paradise like NYC wouldn't be much of an advantage: with greater numbers comes greater competition. Significant relationships are like lost tools in your garage -- you're not going to find them when you're looking for them, but they'll show up by and by.

[Yoni777]

Hi Steve,

Thanks alot for your post and consideration for me and the time you took writing your post and your analysis. Well, you have made a lot of assumptions and I think you are correct about some and flat out wrong about others. Its hard to mold an invidual person into a specific category or group, humans are are similir but can also be quite unique. I really don't think you get me so well, but I am a human in the USA and, of course, I have many similarities to other humans in this country; as well as some differences.

Many of the suggestions you made were great and of course I can investigate them. I don't mind having more competition, because I am quite the tiger.

In the past, I have made my share of friends in college, acquaintances at bars and other venues. The noise and wildness of a bar never scared me and I am not the kind of guy who is so shy not to talk to people. Of course, there is certain etiquette that applies in cultures. Like you cannot just go walk up to people while talking and interrupt them. YOu have to be clever and somehow find a noble way to enter a conversation without people thinking you are nosy or rude. I made friends also with lot of bartenders in my olden days. When I was 20 (w/fake id) I made friends with a bartender in Portland and he use to give me free drinks all night just so I can go there and BS with him. It was scary being 20 and having 36 year old women ask for you to go home with them. Lot of the people there seem like such lost souls... I cannot help but feel sorry for people who devote any great portion of time in places. I use to be a real great pool player and went barhopping and like hustling and bustling in Portland. Time to time I met a few great souls in bars, but it was few and far between.

Actually, my life entirely changed when I became a religious Messianic Jew. I moved into the forest for 4 years and kind of isolated from the world and spent most my time working , praying and meditating. Over time I became a bit crazed in the solitude and moved back to the city. It was my fear of the sins of society that kept me away from everyone.

In the past, I have made lot of friendships, but because of my religious beliefs I have shunned many poeple and more or less escaped all the relationships I entered.

As far as #1, relating better to women than men.. YOu must be talking about you, for me it is the opposite. I have a real hard time around women. I feel much more comfortable around men than women in any situation. Not that I hate women, there are many women I enjoy being around, but I have a culture clash, which makes it a challenge. I guess I am a bit religious and old-fashioned and women just don't like me. I have been trying to make more concessions and accept the differences between our cultures.

I think my religiuos beliefs have been the main factor.

However, in Portland I had many opportunities for friendshp and pushed them away. Here in Bend, I have hard time establishing any friendship even if I wanted to. I suddenly came out of my cave and like to make some friends, but well, its tough in this town.

For the most part, I am against hunting animals, but it seems like hunting is a big way more conservative guys get to know each other around here.. Some people invited me on a hunt and I wanted to say no, but seeing that I am kinda alone and new, I guess I was open to even doing that.

I will try to investigate other activities and types of social groups. I don't necessarily need a gorgeous woman to make me feel satisifed in life. Male bonding would come first for me. Of course, if I find a great loving woman, I won't pass that by, but I have lot of cultural differences that make it difficult for me to have a relationship here. In a town where most women are married or underaged, I guess my chances are next to none. As far as dating an older women with multiple kids, well I don't want to go that route either.

[Rockygrass]

I moved to Corvallis about 6 months ago and I am having a similar problem. I will mirror your sentiments about Bend when I say that Corvallis is a really nice place and other than my lack of a social circle, I am satisfied with my relocation to here.

Despite Corvallis's college town feel, I am surprised at how coupled up everyone is and at the lack of opportunities for people in the 25-35 check box. Also, as something of a homebody, I don't feel the need to hang out at coffee shops, etc. I fit that personality profile really well, which makes me think that it is either really general or that I am exactly the same as everyone else that is single at my age. I have tried online dating and I just don't get it. It seems like the odds of finding someone by looking at a web page are not very good. The only advantage is that the people online are actually looking for someone too. Anyways, I got a couple of dates out of it with very nice people that I had no connection with and gave up on the idea. Everyone's profile looked the same to me.

I have had better experience with the meet-up groups and it was easier to socialize over a common interest. I joined a city league sports team too, and it was a nice way to at least get out of the house. I hope that you start meeting people and let me know how you did it. Also, people have told me that it takes a year to really start meeting people, so I am trying to be patient and take advantage of every opportunity to meet people.