Well in order to survive this time I have started my blog again,it really helped so many months ago with all my turmoil and I think that maybe one day someone will need these words.But mostly I do it for my own saving grace.Its harder to write now I’ve had much more damage,the parts of my brain that feel spiritual things were damaged too so it’s hard for me to process the spiritual which I draw so much from,I can’t sense and feel things too.I guess my last real entry was 25th of March which...

Well things are still dire,finding it very hard to go on.I still thought though last night what a beautiful time this was,somehow facing death has brought everything that matters into focus,I feel more authentic and true than I've ever felt,like all the superfluous and false lives have passed away.I thought too the other day how I wanted to be like the girl with the harp dressed in flowing clothes,painting and poetry,the mystic arts just completely devoted to an authentic life away from our false...

Everyday my damage is worsening whether from the meds or the serious lack of rest. I dreamt my brain had become destabilised and that's how it feels,completely unstable I try and read just a few lines and I get more damage,last night at 1am I had more damage and now I can't seem to escape into music which is all I had at this point.I have duties today and I planned for that and to listen to music and paint.But I just feel urgently suicidal,I am relying on nothing but music to get me through,mostly...

Well I was still suicidal but slightly manic on wednesday, that is I still felt flooded with feelings, but I had some sort of new cognitive damage Wednesday afternoon where I could no longer feel the celts,the mysteries or any of my interests,everything I was lauding in my last entry and everything I live for just went.I thought it was just my mania dipping,but I dreamt it was cognitive damage and it feels very much like it. I'm not surprised I was operating on no sleep Wednesday and shouldn't have...

Have been suicidal lately,I feel somewhat happy....my mood is always happy but I'm tired of being unable to think,questions are posed and I can't think of an answer,or idea.I'm just so use to having thousands of ideas and thoughts running through my head all the time,thats how it always was,I feel just so ordinary now.Im tired of worrying about my illness also,I think I'm going to have to go to hospital as it's just not improving.But what can the hospital do? they can't make my bowels start working.I...