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Left Hometown/Family to Relocate with Boyfriend to Boston
My boyfriend and I were dating long distance for a year and a half when he asked me to move to Boston to be with him - we met while getting our undergraduate degrees, kept in touch, and started dating six years later (we are both 30 now)! We have a great relationship and being long distance was a way to learn how to communicate and build our trust together. I knew when we started dating that he was "the one" and immediately started my job search out in Boston.
I interviewed and received a teaching job offer for a lot less pay than I was getting at the university job I've had for 4 years and enjoy, but figured with summers off it was equitable. So I decided to take the leap, and leave my family, and hometown, knowing I would regret it if I didn't try (having lived in my hometown my entire life). My boyfriend flew out to help me drive all my stuff out from California and it was a wonderful experience!
I was in love and smitten with the city for the first few months and then started to hate my job which began to filter into other aspects of my personal life. I also noticed I couldn't seem to get to know anyone out here. I have been relying on my boyfriend a lot as I am getting acclimated but I just can't seem to feel "at home" and comfortable - and it is all the little things that are different that bother me! For example, the lack of parking (unheard of in the town I come from), rude driving, no street signs, and overall congested feeling of being in the city. I really have tried to make myself feel at home here by going on little excursions, walks, reading in the parks, etc.
At the time of the move, I figured it would be harder for my boyfriend to find a job he really enjoyed in his field - which seems to only be located in various large sized cities - so that it made sense for me to find a job where he is (lots of libraries and lots of schools for me to find a job). He's also been out in Boston 5 years now so he considers it his home. Now that I'm here, I miss my family so much I tear up sometimes. I also miss having space in my own house, large yard, in the middle of a beautiful forest and being able to look out the window while reading a book and see trees, birds and wildlife. I would drive down a mountain to the city to work, and drive up the mountain at the end of the day to my "dream life". I don't think I realized how good I had it and now that I have been in Boston since last August, I know I can never afford something like that out here on a smaller (or even similar) salary with a drastically higher cost of living. The change has been hard, moving from my own house into a small one bedroom apartment... Also, I wasn't able to sell my house because the market is so bad, so I am paying for my mortgage out there (which is half our rent out here....) and feel this big tug for me to go back to my roots, my family, my good job, and the less stressful life of being out of a city.
AND... my employer in CA gave me a years leave of absence in case I wanted to go back this summer. I have complicated things by doing another job search around Boston and have been offered a position at one of the medical colleges in the area. So I could give this place another year even and see if this job is better, and if that would make me happier. In addition, my boyfriend said he would start looking for jobs out there and applying if I wanted to move back, but he hasn't really done this... So, I am CONFUSED.
On the one hand I miss my family terribly, and feel guilty to leave them when my parents are getting so old. I want to spend time with them and will most likely see them twice a year, if lucky. My boyfriend is from California too and his family is out there, but he is fine living distantly from them. I also miss my house outside of the city and my wonderful co-workers and my sense of identity and peace. But, I'm with my boyfriend, who I care for deeply, and we hope to get engaged soon. I wonder if I am having issues "growing up" or if the fact I've lived in my hometown my whole life has made this so hard (since it is such a big part of my identity). If it is better for his career to remain in Boston, should I give this new job a try? Or go back to the old one I know I love? Advice from others who have moved? Advice from people who love rural living but moved to the city to be with a loved one? How do you find peace in the city? Is there a place near Boston to live that has lots of green space and is linked to public transit? With the new job... I will be forced into public transit (which is actually one of the things about this city that is so, so wonderful) because of the parking situation at the college.
If you're fairly certain that you objectively love your old home for more than its familiarity, I would move back. Finding both a job and a home you love is as rare as hen's teeth. Plus the tug to be near family typically only gets stronger as you get older. Besides, Californians can rarely resist the urge to move back for long (coming from a Californian who has seen all his college friends eventually move back, including one who did so recently almost 20 years later).
It took us many moves to find this situation for the both of us. When one of us finally found it, we tried to find it for the other, but without jeopardizing it for the former. Your mortgage makes it a no-brainer for me. If you were married and your SO had his dream job and had to be in Boston, I would consider rebooting in Boston. This is evidently not the case here.
After years of living in another city, I'm finally moving back closer to home. I wish it hadn't taken me so long. It sounds like you gave Boston a shot and it just isn't for you. Maybe it's time to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about moving back? It seems pretty clear that's what you really want. And I agree with Cato - if you are still paying your mortgage and can go back to a higher salary, you would be doing your future self a big favor - whether in terms of saving for children and/or retirement.
Amazing all the little details about a place that add up to make it HOME. From the sound of it, I don't think there's any doubt that you're really feeling homesick because your move here is a drastic change from what you're used to. Not only did you move to the opposite end of the country, but you moved from the country to the city, and a city that is put together differently--more built up and densely populated--than most cities in the West. It's tough to make such a dramatic change.
Still, the longer you live in a place (and I'm talking longer than a year), the more you begin to appreciate the positive features of that place, and at least sort of get so you can tolerate the negatives, or those features that are negatives to you because you're not used to them. By the way, there are green, open areas outside of Boston that have public transit service. Whether any of those places would work for you would depend on how much open space you needed, how long a commute you could handle, how you'd factor in the cost of commuting from some distance, the cost of housing in those open areas, and maybe other factors as well. That means that some serious research, and exploration of the local area, as in actual visits to places you'd be considering, is in order, so you can get a good firsthand feel for what is available and whether any locales around the Boston metro area might work for you.
Just as you need to really look around if you're thinking there is any possibility you might continue living here, you need to have some serious discussion with your boyfriend. You need to really spell out what you don't and do like about this area, and the pros and cons of staying here from your point of view, and make a committed effort to working out with him how you can figure out an arrangement that will work for both of you.
Wow, your post really strikes a chord. I was in a similar situation and I was so confused by all of the thoughts I was having. I learned a lot through that experience so I will try to put it into words.
We moved from the Midwest to Austin, TX as soon as my husband & I finished school and got married. Neither of us had ever lived there, so at the very least we were in it together. I was fine with the move (we moved for his job) but shortly after we got there I began to feel like I didn't like it. Neither of us was terribly close to our family but we did have some close friends who all were still in the Midwest. We tried to make new friends but it felt like we didn't know how things worked in Texas. The way that people relate to one another is so different there than it was where I grew up and my old ways of making friends just weren't working. We talked with friends (from the Midwest) about whether these were "normal" feelings to have when moving somewhere new but none of them seemed to experience these feelings of being so out of place. We figured it was just us--our personalities, our expectations--so we gave it more time. Moving didn't seem to be much of a possibility due the line of work my husband is in so we did what we could to make things work in Austin. We tried to make things permanent by buying a house and getting involved in some groups. But after a while we had to admit that we weren't getting any happier despite our efforts and that maybe it wasn't that there was something incredibly weird about us...maybe Austin was just the wrong place for us. After a lot of soul searching and planning, we ended up moving to the Boston area a little over a year ago. Immediately I felt like we were in the right place. Despite not knowing anyone (literally we knew one couple in the area) and downsizing from our own house with a big yard to an apartment about half the size, we were so much happier. Honestly, we had to take some time to recover from a number of years of unhappiness and are just now starting to think about getting involved in the community and trying to make friends. But even without any of that, I have felt so much happier here than in my old life.
While many people (including me!) will tell you that getting involved in a community and making friends helps make a place feel like home, I can tell you that it's not everything. The place matters. Some places are a better fit than others. Sometimes, as Ogre says, a place feels more like home the longer you are there. For us, that wasn't the case in Austin--but I have no idea whether that will be your experience in Boston or not. Your situation is complicated by the very real possibility of returning to your "old life". I think that you've received some very good advice about talking with your boyfriend about your feelings, his thoughts on returning to California, and what the two of you want long term.
Have you taken advantage of some of the wonderful things that are in New England? If not, make this summer the time when you take day trips and see the beauty and experience the fun of this area. Even if you end up moving back to California, you'll know you took advantage of your time in the Northeast.
If you decide to stay in Boston, you may want to look at the areas of your life that are not working and give yourself some time to work on those things. Your life is not going to turn around in a month but it might in six months if you make some calculated changes in the right directions--whatever that may be in your life. It sounds like you have already started that process by figuring out that you were in the wrong job and finding a new one. What other things cause you stress and what can you do about those? In six months, if you are in a different job, living in a different (less urban??) place, and have some people in your life who have the potential to be actual friends...would you still want to move to California? Would you like to give it a try and find out if making those changes helps make Boston a better fit for you?
There may be places within the Boston area that would suit you more than where you are currently living. Perhaps you can find an area that is not so urban?? There are some nice "transitional" towns that straddle the line of urban & suburban and there are some towns that are downright rural that are still within commuting distance of Boston. There are so many commuting options other than the subway: commuter rail, long-distance bus, private shuttles. If you decide to give Boston a bit more time, maybe you could rent out your California house so you're not simply paying a mortgage on it? That might make it less tempting to think about moving back "home", too.
Next, it's time to make some friends of your own. One thing I have learned is that you have to put yourself out there and do the work. It seems like lots of people want to have closer relationships but everyone is waiting for someone else to take the reins. Be that person. A book I think you might really like is MWF seeks BFF by Rachel Bertsche. The author was in your near-exact situation and I think you would find that her thoughts resonate with you. As for making friends, you have to make it a priority. Take a class (art, dance, writing), volunteer (there are Meetups that have volunteer opportunities that are single day projects so you don't have to commit to something long term), join a book club or community group. It's hard work and you have to acknowledge that you're going to have both ups and downs in that process. Everything I have ever read about the Northeast (although I think this is just "adult" life in general) says that it takes a lot of time to make good friends. It means going to the book club for months and months before you feel like anyone is friendly towards you. In a place where there are a lot of people coming and going, people want to know that you are committed before they are willing to invest in you. You have to be consistent and hope that it will pay off some time in the next year or so!
Finally, think about what you want your story to be. Someday you will be old and will be telling people about what you did in life. Do you want your story to be that you lived in Boston for a year and decided to move back home? Or do you want it to be that you lived in Boston for several years and started a different kind of life? Both can be positive and both can be negative; a lot of that depends on your perspective and what is important in your life. People on this forum can give you things to think about but only you will know whether moving home & being closer to family would be either a tremendous opportunity or giving up & taking the easy way out.
Good luck with your decision. There are not easy answers to these types of questions!
Wow, your post really strikes a chord. I was in a similar situation and I was so confused by all of the thoughts I was having. I learned a lot through that experience so I will try to put it into words.
We moved from the Midwest to Austin, TX as soon as my husband & I finished school and got married. Neither of us had ever lived there, so at the very least we were in it together. I was fine with the move (we moved for his job) but shortly after we got there I began to feel like I didn't like it. Neither of us was terribly close to our family but we did have some close friends who all were still in the Midwest. We tried to make new friends but it felt like we didn't know how things worked in Texas. The way that people relate to one another is so different there than it was where I grew up and my old ways of making friends just weren't working. We talked with friends (from the Midwest) about whether these were "normal" feelings to have when moving somewhere new but none of them seemed to experience these feelings of being so out of place. We figured it was just us--our personalities, our expectations--so we gave it more time. Moving didn't seem to be much of a possibility due the line of work my husband is in so we did what we could to make things work in Austin. We tried to make things permanent by buying a house and getting involved in some groups. But after a while we had to admit that we weren't getting any happier despite our efforts and that maybe it wasn't that there was something incredibly weird about us...maybe Austin was just the wrong place for us. After a lot of soul searching and planning, we ended up moving to the Boston area a little over a year ago. Immediately I felt like we were in the right place. Despite not knowing anyone (literally we knew one couple in the area) and downsizing from our own house with a big yard to an apartment about half the size, we were so much happier. Honestly, we had to take some time to recover from a number of years of unhappiness and are just now starting to think about getting involved in the community and trying to make friends. But even without any of that, I have felt so much happier here than in my old life.
While many people (including me!) will tell you that getting involved in a community and making friends helps make a place feel like home, I can tell you that it's not everything. The place matters. Some places are a better fit than others. Sometimes, as Ogre says, a place feels more like home the longer you are there. For us, that wasn't the case in Austin--but I have no idea whether that will be your experience in Boston or not. Your situation is complicated by the very real possibility of returning to your "old life". I think that you've received some very good advice about talking with your boyfriend about your feelings, his thoughts on returning to California, and what the two of you want long term.
Have you taken advantage of some of the wonderful things that are in New England? If not, make this summer the time when you take day trips and see the beauty and experience the fun of this area. Even if you end up moving back to California, you'll know you took advantage of your time in the Northeast.
If you decide to stay in Boston, you may want to look at the areas of your life that are not working and give yourself some time to work on those things. Your life is not going to turn around in a month but it might in six months if you make some calculated changes in the right directions--whatever that may be in your life. It sounds like you have already started that process by figuring out that you were in the wrong job and finding a new one. What other things cause you stress and what can you do about those? In six months, if you are in a different job, living in a different (less urban??) place, and have some people in your life who have the potential to be actual friends...would you still want to move to California? Would you like to give it a try and find out if making those changes helps make Boston a better fit for you?
There may be places within the Boston area that would suit you more than where you are currently living. Perhaps you can find an area that is not so urban?? There are some nice "transitional" towns that straddle the line of urban & suburban and there are some towns that are downright rural that are still within commuting distance of Boston. There are so many commuting options other than the subway: commuter rail, long-distance bus, private shuttles. If you decide to give Boston a bit more time, maybe you could rent out your California house so you're not simply paying a mortgage on it? That might make it less tempting to think about moving back "home", too.
Next, it's time to make some friends of your own. One thing I have learned is that you have to put yourself out there and do the work. It seems like lots of people want to have closer relationships but everyone is waiting for someone else to take the reins. Be that person. A book I think you might really like is MWF seeks BFF by Rachel Bertsche. The author was in your near-exact situation and I think you would find that her thoughts resonate with you. As for making friends, you have to make it a priority. Take a class (art, dance, writing), volunteer (there are Meetups that have volunteer opportunities that are single day projects so you don't have to commit to something long term), join a book club or community group. It's hard work and you have to acknowledge that you're going to have both ups and downs in that process. Everything I have ever read about the Northeast (although I think this is just "adult" life in general) says that it takes a lot of time to make good friends. It means going to the book club for months and months before you feel like anyone is friendly towards you. In a place where there are a lot of people coming and going, people want to know that you are committed before they are willing to invest in you. You have to be consistent and hope that it will pay off some time in the next year or so!
Finally, think about what you want your story to be. Someday you will be old and will be telling people about what you did in life. Do you want your story to be that you lived in Boston for a year and decided to move back home? Or do you want it to be that you lived in Boston for several years and started a different kind of life? Both can be positive and both can be negative; a lot of that depends on your perspective and what is important in your life. People on this forum can give you things to think about but only you will know whether moving home & being closer to family would be either a tremendous opportunity or giving up & taking the easy way out.
Good luck with your decision. There are not easy answers to these types of questions!
This ^^ is perfect.
I moved from Montreal (Canada) to West Hartford (CT) to Worcester (MA). The move to a different state (CT to MA) wasn't any easier than the move from Canada to the U.S. Any move is an adjustment, for a variety of reasons. In my case, it was a move from a busy, urban city (Montreal) to a quiet, suburban area (West Hartford).
I won't say any more... veggiegirl26 said it all perfectly.
I've found people can tell you this or that, and it'll be fine for them, or not, but in the end you're the only one who can make a decision like this, and nobody else. It all depends what you want for yourself in life and whether or not things are worth giving up or gaining.
I just moved to CO almost two months ago, a little younger than you, with my girlfriend. Same situation - away from home, jobs with less pay, hard to adjust, not liking it. For the whole time being here it's been the same thing - torn between what to do. It's felt like 3 months instead of one and a half because it's been so exhausting. In the end I'm deciding to move back, but that's my decision, and it has to do with a lot of factors. It's not the same situation as yours, but you're really the only one who can decide, with the help of your boyfriend. Best of luck.
If you start a family, where would you want to be?
It's one thing to be single (with a boyfriend) far away from family then to get married and start raising kids somewhere. You really need to love a place, or have to stay there for jobs sake, once you decide to start having kids. I can tell you that unless you have strong reasons for staying in Boston you will want to leave to have your children be near family, cousins, old friends. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to pack up now. The Boston area is amazing in many ways. It does take a long time to make friends here as well. You may want to give this area more of a chance to see if it grows on you(one year isn't long enough)...but if it doesn't, the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave for a variety of reasons. Good luck in your decisions!
I've lived many places and for the most part, the transitions were all pretty easy. Except for my move to Nashville Tn. I thought I would love it there...I'm in to Country music, I like rural and city areas, Nashville had just been voted "Friendliest City" at that time, had a great job lined up... It just didn't work. I just never seemed to fit. I gave it two years and I hit the road again.
All I can say is that if your boyfriend is truely willing to make the move back to Cali, I'd start making it happen. Not being happy where you live can be miserable!
I don't think you will be happy unless you move back to your old neighborhood. I had a similar situation many years ago. My wife and I were newlyweds and moved away and after about 5 years my wife wanted to return home as our family was aging and we wanted to spend some time with them. We came back to our original home and never regretted it. I think most people are used to the place where they grew up and favor that place over any other. But here we are many years later and planning on leaving the area again for retirement. I think as younger people it seemed to really matter but now not so much. Please don't let the rude drivers here upset you because we all feel that way and the good always outweigh the bad. Boston is a great city and there are lots of similar thinking people like yourself. And if this guy is "the one" you will both face all of this together and come out of it just fine. Good Luck!!
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Left Hometown/Family to Relocate with Boyfriend to Boston
