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Old 07-07-2013, 03:04 PM
 
1,859 posts, read 4,257,604 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BHboston View Post
I agree with the sentiments of the last three posters - to an extent I think people are being a little hard on the OP. Even though I was born and raised in the area, I can definitely understand where she is coming from.

Boston (or perhaps even New Englad) is different from the rest of the country in some ways. When I moved to the midwest (Chicago) I was blown away by how friendly people seemed, and how many people invited me to do things in the first couple of months. It seemed like I had made so many friends, so quickly. And then I came to realize that people were just being what they considered to be polite to a newcomer. Midwesterners (as a gross generalization) are big on polite. It feel like I had the same sort of culture shock that the OP had, but in reverse - because I was used to expecting most people to be reserved, uninterested, and somewhat crusty.

When I moved back here, only took 3-4 weeks to adjust back to my old ways. But for someone who has lived their whole life elsewhere, it can definitely take awhile to adjust to a different social climate.

There is a big difference between finding people reserved, uninterested and crusty and feeling that you are getting "bitched at by everyone." Ask a question, get an honest answer. And while we are bring honest, how often does the Line "it's not you, it's me" used and someone actually means it? Sometimes, it's you and sometimes you need to figure out what you are doing wrong. Or go to a southern forum where the OP will be told "Well bless your heart, aren't you sweet (which is the southern speak for, you are pathetic and naive and I mean the exact opposite of what I am about to say but an too PC to tell you the truth) all those northerners got it wrong and you are perfect. They are missing out!"

Funny thing is last night my husband and I were out to dinner and this topic came up. We were at a local spot that has music and outdoor seating. A drunk, obnoxious woman came over and asked us to sit with us. She was loud and crass. We had just received our dinner and it was awkward and inappropriate. Fortunately, her friends were waving us off and were content at the bar. I am sure that woman thought we were snobby uptight New Englanders. A short time later, when we had finished dinner, a woman asked if she could put her drink on our table. We told her to feel free and let her know we were leaving and she was welcome to the table. We ended up talking for quite a while. She was from the south, was working per diem on Cape and was finishing her 15 month assignment. She loved MA, loved the people and laughed about all the warnings she heard about unfriendly New Englanders. She will go south with stories of how great her coworkers and other New Englanders were.
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Old 07-08-2013, 06:31 AM
 
Location: Boston, MA
11,000 posts, read 7,781,532 times
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"Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone".

-Ella Wheeler Cox-
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Old 07-08-2013, 08:35 AM
 
288 posts, read 492,085 times
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I heard this same complaint about it "hard making friends" from a family member originally from the West Coast. She was stuck out in the Boston suburbs so sympathy enough. But when we went out to visit her family, just days after the Boston Marathon Massacre, obviously shocked and sombre and wearing our "Boston Strong" attire, her family members kept going on and on about how their daughter did not like Boston and found the people cold and unfriendly. They could just not take the hint about how traumatized we were feeling and the last thing we wanted to hear was negativity. We politely listened to the complaining, but given the timing, we were put off by their rudeness and were feeling terribly homesick for Boston.

I'm always surprised when people say Bostonians are cold. I've found mostly warmth and kindness growing up here. I especially saw the community come together last spring, despite the absolutely awful happening. I've never loved Boston more than when I saw ten of thousands of Bostonians applauding wildly for Jeff Bauman and his savior at Fenway park. The week after the bombings, I saw Boston police officers watching over the Copley sites, getting hugged and handshaked by literally hundreds of people paying their respects to the victims. My friends and I, all native Bostonians to the last, went to the MFA open gallery recently, and we were moved to tears when we saw the hundreds of handcrafted flags by children from around the world, offering Bostonians comfort and solidarity. Some of the flags read "'No More Hurting People".

Let me just say, you have a right to your opinions, but I have to be honest. This thread has gotten rather personal and a couple of the posts are coming off harsh, whether intended or not. So I understand the urge to get miffed if someone complains about your home or get impatient if someone isn't conforming, but we're all human beings behind the computer screens after all. Maybe give the OP the benefit of the doubt that she's really upset, frustrated, lonely, and trying to find ways to reach out.

Anyway, my suggestion to the OP is to hang in there and don't give up on Boston. Try hosting a dinner party or picking an unique event (e.g. Samurai Exhibit at the MFA or theater at the Huntington--usually they can't back out of the latter if you order tickets for the group). I understand people can get busy, so I tend to blast out an email to 12-24 people, two-three weeks ahead of time, and expect only 3-5 people to reply they want to come for an event. It works most times, and even those that don't attend feel grateful about being included.

Last edited by sharencare; 07-08-2013 at 09:44 AM..
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Old 07-08-2013, 06:03 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
86 posts, read 218,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachcomber4 View Post
There is a big difference between finding people reserved, uninterested and crusty and feeling that you are getting "bitched at by everyone." Ask a question, get an honest answer. And while we are bring honest, how often does the Line "it's not you, it's me" used and someone actually means it? Sometimes, it's you and sometimes you need to figure out what you are doing wrong. Or go to a southern forum where the OP will be told "Well bless your heart, aren't you sweet (which is the southern speak for, you are pathetic and naive and I mean the exact opposite of what I am about to say but an too PC to tell you the truth) all those northerners got it wrong and you are perfect. They are missing out!"
Ok true, I realized that after reading through the comments I had forgotten how hyperbolic the original post sounded.

In a sense, what I meant to say was that I can understand how someone from somewhere else where extreme politeness and warmth is the norm might take Boston/New England curtness and directness as "rude," and have a negative emotional reaction to it. And I think the OP's post does reflect feeling hurt, etc.

But in general, you are right - people get back what they put in. My advice to the OP if she is still around would be first and foremost not to take anything too personally, especially not interactions with strangers. People everywhere are the same once you really get to know them, just sometimes in hectic environments it can take longer to get there.
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Old 07-14-2013, 10:12 AM
 
Location: Northampton, Mass.
697 posts, read 867,215 times
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This is an interesting thread. I am quite familiar with the issues the OP states. I am a native to Boston itself, though I do not live there anymore (some family still does and I visit often enough). I used to hear from newcomers fairly frequently of the perceived coldness of natives (and those they thought to be natives), the faster pace, etc.

As for Boston itself, running into true city natives is rare---they tend to stick to themselves for the most part. Then you have a good amount who are native to the region but have been living in the city for some time and have settled in.

New Englanders on the whole tend to be more reserved which can be taken as being unfriendly---at least outwardly. The faster pace of things tends to make small talk somewhat annoying--We like meaningful conversation; we do not mind outsiders by any means but those who complain a lot about the cold or come off as superficial will be found to be very annoying/uninteresting and therefore will be avoided. Also, I think part of the perceived unfriendliness is the difference in our privacy threshold as opposed to say in the South or west cost....we are a bit slower in getting to know new people, not as open about private matters so quickly (its best to not ask personal questions right away)...it takes some time...but once the bridge is crossed you have a highly interesting, friendly, considerate..and true group of people around you.
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Old 07-21-2013, 11:27 AM
 
8 posts, read 7,881 times
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I like the comment from the last poster (Austin023).

Many other comments were downright rude, proving the OP's point, or suggesting being subservient, to let the Boston (assumed city) resident make the first move, implying that Boston people are brash, full of themselves, and don't have time for your thoughts . . . again proving the point.

Being either a rude jerk or being reservedly introverted can seem like the same thing. It _is_ hard to separate the two, even over a long relationship. In broad terms, either work on distinguishing the subtle differences, or else just be who you want to be and let others find you.
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Old 07-22-2013, 10:29 AM
 
40 posts, read 79,951 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Off-beat View Post
New England and its people are amazing, and outsiders like you have to accept that or leave. We're definitely a couple levels above you and instead of accepting it and moving on with your lives, you only complain all the time. Perhaps texas is a better place for you?
Kind of the attitude that the OP is having trouble with right there! I'm hoping this comment was in jest.
The trouble I see (but it's not unique to MA really) is that locals just assume everyone is the same as them. Lived there, grew up there, knows everyone there already.

I always go back to a spot on a local morning radio show a few weeks back. A girl called in to share a bad online dating experience... sure, everyone has those bad date stories, not a big deal in itself.
But the next caller was a young guy who said he had to call to go on a rant about the "freaks" who date online. That he met all his friends and dated girls in highschool and then got married to his sisters best friend at 21. "Why can't everyone ELSE do that too" he screamed. I was just like...."SERIOUSLY???"
It's just a smalltown attitude. No consideration that people have bigger goals in life and don't just all marry their sisters best friend and move in next to their parents in the 'burbs and that's it... life complete... but it's what you get.

Dating is worse... once girls find out my parents do not have a summer house down the Cape they are out. They just don't get that we all didn't grow up here and have that. It's frustrating but it is what it is.

You meet more friends by meeting others in similar positions just by joining sports or groups or whatever, it's about all you can do anywhere you go.
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Old 07-22-2013, 11:30 AM
 
70 posts, read 152,697 times
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Well, I can't say I'm surprised the OP and others have these feelings. I grew up in Mass, moved away for the military when I was out of high school and then moved back in my late 20s. So I was gone for a good 10 years. I firmly believe folks from Boston, for the most part (never ALL of course) are rude people. I've lived down south, I've lived overseas, I've deployed, etc. Boston honestly seems to be filled with the most rude, cold, standoffish, people out of every place I've been.

From a dating point of view, I agree with the above poster. Woman here seem to have this entitlement that for the life of me, I will never understand (it drives me crazy). Most I've ran into seem to think everyone makes 190k a year, and heaven help you if you don't. It's just sad. I've had numerous women ask how much I made a year. Like...right off the bat. Amazing. That has only happened to me (more than "a few times") in the city of Boston.

And I KNOW not ALL women are like that in Boston. Don't get me wrong, but it's either the places I tend to go, or something else I'm sure.

Even driving into work in the morning, people never left others enter their lane. People honk, throw up the bird for very little reason, etc. all before 7 AM! Awesome.

You say good morning to someone, they look at your funny. When is the last time someone held the door open for you? I was walking back to work on Friday and this family with a map out was CLEARLY lost, and I just watched as I walked closer to them how no one took a minute out of their "busy" day to help these tourists. So when I got near them I stopped and provided some assistance. They thanked me many times over and it took 2 mintues out of me day. It's like REALLY Boston?

But hey, let's wait until some major crisis takes place so then everyone can say how warm, helpful, and friendly Boston is. Uh huh.

Okay, I'm going to end this rant before I go on for an hour. :-) This topic I've thought long and hard about for many years.
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Old 07-22-2013, 11:37 AM
 
1,017 posts, read 1,492,869 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
How old are you?

And how can you even consider having kids in the next year or two when you don't even have a boyfriend?
sperm bank
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Old 07-22-2013, 01:02 PM
 
287 posts, read 355,052 times
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I just moved here and I've found it difficult too. People don't seem too keen on talking to strangers. I haven't noticed it being particularly more difficult than anywhere else though but that's because this is the first place I've moved where I didn't know anybody.
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