How do I make friends here? (Boston, Springfield: colleges, live in, young professionals)

[skids929]

Originally Posted by Pito_Chueco

Your best option is to move to a place where there are a lot of transplants. In the Northeast (with only a few exceptions) most of the people are very tight with their families and they have known their friends since they were fetuses. In other words, they have neither the time nor the desire to hang out with you.

The other option is to have kids, and you will easily meet other parents.

If people are going to generalize, this is the generalization that is the most sensible to subscribe to. It's mainly true of this area. Massachusetts as a whole actually.

People are people for the most part at the core. Doesn't matter where you are from when a friendship unfolds. Boston people are just more closed off due to the intransient nature of the area.

[opus123]

Originally Posted by skids929

If people are going to generalize, this is the generalization that is the most sensible to subscribe to. It's mainly true of this area. Massachusetts as a whole actually.

People are people for the most part at the core. Doesn't matter where you are from when a friendship unfolds. Boston people are just more closed off due to the intransient nature of the area.

Intransient? Half the people I know are like me, went to school here from out of state and decided to stay. With all of the schools in the area and the high tech industry, I find Boston fairly transient and friendly. Never had a problem making friends.

To the OP - do people actually ***** at you in public for no reason?

[miu]

I don't think that the OP is coming back into this thread. I don't think that she's interested in participating in a productive discussion. She just likes to vent. And in the meantime, she's also made a thread complaining about a $400 a month increase in her rent. And after her initial post, she never returned to that thread either.

Not every C-D members participates on this board as a real member of the community. Shrug.

[skids929]

Originally Posted by opus123

Intransient? Half the people I know are like me, went to school here from out of state and decided to stay. With all of the schools in the area and the high tech industry, I find Boston fairly transient and friendly. Never had a problem making friends.

To the OP - do people actually ***** at you in public for no reason?

I suppose for a college kid who stays yes. Moving here with a family and kids it might be different. And I meant MA in general not just boston. The most transient part of this area is Boston and the college kids, which is a small subsection of the population.

MA is not reloville USA like some places. And generally speaking its pretty easy too move to an area where people are from here have what they need and aren't interested in new relationships.

Not speaking for myself just speaking for what is generally true of the area. Alot of this has to do with the person as well. You may have no problem making friends and I might not either, but take it from someone from the area people here can be this way. And this is not the first person to lodge this complaint on Boston/ma.

I think it has alot to do with what I agreed with in my last post, but again it's a generalization for the most part.

[miu]

From my own experiences in Boston, most friends are made through school or work because that's what we do. Or form bonds with the parents of their kids's school friends. I think that down south, most people make friends through the church they attend. And I've noticed a heavy christian presence in the south with everyone adding a "god bless" to their conversations. And Boston has a decent amount of churches and temples, so that could be another option for the OP if she is religious.

And the Boston pace of life, just as in most major US cities is very fast. For anyone who has lived here a long time, our lives are very full with our established daily routine with work, family, friends and pets... so of course we aren't going to be thinking about reaching out to every newcomer. We also are not nosy people and our attitude is live and let be. And that to me means not being inquisitive into other peoples' personal business and not passing judgments. So no, I am not naturally going to fuss over a newcomer or months later make sure that she is making friends and is settling into Boston well. I take care of my own needs and don't complain, so I probably am not going to want to be friends with someone who comes across as needy or helpless, and is complaining about her lot in life. Again though, I am also not the kind of person to be complaining about my life to strangers either.

When I left college in Providence and moved to Cambridge, I didn't have any friends in the city. My family originally lived in Concord and my high school friends were scattered around the country. I started off by making friends at the places I worked. Sometimes we'd go out to see live bands together. I had a cat from college, and eventually I got a dog. Then I taught myself how to play bass guitar and auditioned for some local bands. None of the bands I joined were very good, but was able to make more friends. So... my friends were made through work and other social activities.

And what I bring to a friendship is my being good company, a good conversationalist and also being a good listener, and having common interests. We don't do mindless activities like clothes shopping, or barhopping or gossiping about co-workers or celebrities. At work, because I am knowledgeable about cars, antiques and dating (well being 54 and dating a 32 year old I must know something about relationships!), others come to me for input and advice. So my point is, the OP and others like her have to first love themselves, then think about what they can offer to others in a positive and productive way. Like with having kids the same age and going to the same school, a parent might start off by offering to help with a car pool. Then while waiting for the kids to finish up with a shared activity, the parents can go off and have a coffee break together. But trying to make a friend and having nothing at all in common to begin with is an awkward and difficult process. Just standing there and announcing that one is new to the area and that they have no friends still after several months... well that would make most people slowly back away from the situation.

[opus123]

@skids - You make a very valid point.

@miu - Good advice but unfortunately I don't think the OP is around anymore.

[miu]

I don't expect the OP to ever return to read or reply to this thread. However, the thread might benefit others who are new to Boston and having difficulty in making friends.

Lastly, I feel from travels to the south, while the people there in GA, TN and NC seem friendlier, it's more about inviting the newcomer to attend their church (btw the longtime local people down south seem to me to be 100% christian and to enjoy flaunting it). And for me, being an atheist, an offer to attend a church social is no place for me to start a real friendship. And I suspect them of primarily being interested in converting me to their spiritual beliefs. However, I have made friends with a few southerners over our shared interests in antiques and dog rescue transport.

[Estate28]

Originally Posted by miu

I don't think that the OP is coming back into this thread. I don't think that she's interested in participating in a productive discussion. She just likes to vent. And in the meantime, she's also made a thread complaining about a $400 a month increase in her rent. And after her initial post, she never returned to that thread either.

Not every C-D members participates on this board as a real member of the community. Shrug.

I'm not sure how "productive" the discussion is when initial replies to people looking to make friends here is taken as a bashing of all locals and they are told to move!?!?

[Estate28]

I'll try add something positive though....

I'm not from Boston but it's much the same anywhere... back in my hometown I have my core friends and unless someone new went out of their way to make friends with me, I didn't think about it so much.
But since moving away you realise it's nothing bad on their part but YOU have to make the effort.

I've joined meetup groups, sports leagues, social groups, networking groups, etc, etc, etc, over the last 2 years.
Truth is... some of it SUCKED, but some of it was great too.

When it comes to things like Meetup, just go to everything for a few months, doesn't matter if you're really interested in it. But I met a lot of people who were nice, some not so nice, some I know as acquantances and eventually through familiarity I met a new core group of guys who were like myself... they were just going along to meet new people as they didn't know many in town and we found we had similar tastes in things and began hanging out.
Going to one meeting and coming away feeling like you met no new friends is normal... just keep going, you'll find people you saw before and begin to gravitate towards them and make the effort to make plans outside the group if you're all getting along.

It's a process, it's not something you do overnight... I've been actively "putting myself out there" for the last 2 years.. it's painful at times if people aren't receptive or come across cold or odd... Sometimes groups just have an establishment and you can't really break it... I've met some group organizers who were downright rude and obnoxious towards new people but group members who roll their eyes at them and offer a warm handshake and introductions.

It's not easy but if you don't go out there and meet EVERYONE, you won't begin to meet and click with those you get along with.

[miu]

Originally Posted by Estate28

I'm not sure how "productive" the discussion is when initial replies to people looking to make friends here is taken as a bashing of all locals and they are told to move!?!?

Well... the OP is a married woman in her late twenties who has already lived in several parts of the country... surely she has a thick enough skin for an animated discussion about her lack of friends? And she started off by calling us mean and bitchy... so why should anyone have to treat her with kid gloves?