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Old 11-10-2007, 04:07 PM
 
35 posts, read 159,979 times
Reputation: 34

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I just moved from So Cal to DC a few months ago, and am already missing it. In fact, I have decided to return to CA in about 6 months.

Parents live in DC area, and I am already feeling guilty about my decision to leave them (they are in their early and late 60's in age, and in good health). My brother lives here near them and is not planning to move, but I still feel guilty.

Just wanted to hear comments from folks who live far away from parents and/or family. How do you deal with the guilt (or do you feel any at all?) I have already made the decision because CA is best for me for a number of reasons (I'm healthier in a dry climate -- have bad allergies, for one).

Thanks for your thoughts and sharing your experiences.

Namaste!
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Old 11-10-2007, 04:22 PM
 
Location: Las Flores, Orange County, CA
26,346 posts, read 83,036,714 times
Reputation: 17516
It could be worse.

I'm an only child, age 46. I moved from SoCal to Colorado and away from my parents 83 and 86. My kids are their only grandkids. They won't be driving much longer. They have no relatives in California since they moved from Buffalo in 1958. Guilty? Yep. Real bad. We go there for a week three or four times a year and send them photos several times a week and call them several times a week. Doesn't matter. But on the other hand, moving from SoCal was really good for my family and me. Of course I rationalized that I'm only a two hour plane ride away when something bad happens. Every phone call is potentially that thing.

It is pragmatism versus sentimentality.

I'm often awake at 2AM staring at the ceiling.
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Old 11-10-2007, 08:56 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,110,110 times
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I just moved my family from central Cal to Denver. Moved the kids away from the grandparents. I do feel very guilty at times. I just remind myself of the reasons we left (kids health is at the top of the list). We visit as often as we can. The guilt doesn't go away, but at least I know my reasons, and I feel they are valid.
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Old 11-10-2007, 10:00 PM
 
Location: San Jose, CA
7,688 posts, read 25,692,225 times
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I live 50 miles from my parents.. but only 6 miles from where dad works, lol. I don't know how he has done that commute for twenty years. Anyway.. they actually tell me I should move away, to someplace where I could actually afford to do what I was born to do (play classical piano) and not have to support myself with a day job. I've stayed so far because I like it here.
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Old 11-11-2007, 08:10 AM
 
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
1,482 posts, read 4,738,157 times
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I usually see my parents twice a year, sometimes 3x. Just weekend trips but I often think this is too much. I see my in-laws every holiday, every birthday, every month with a "r" in it. I know this is too much.

If you're really feeling guilty get one of those phone plans that allows you to talk to your family on the same network for free and get them a phone. If they don't already, set them up with an email account or create a blog site where you can leave messages for each other.
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Old 11-11-2007, 09:21 AM
 
8,275 posts, read 26,346,044 times
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I moved 3000 miles away from mom and dad 12+ years ago. Although I miss them, over the years I have realized and accepted that living close to them is not tenable. Even when I go visit (at least 2x a year), I can only stay with them a few days before I start to go nuts.

My parents are getting older and that is a concern. 10 years from now, we will have to consider some changes if I am going to be able to care for them. However they are set in their ways and fear change. The reality is that I cannot give up my career and life that I've established to take care of them on their terms.

So, I dealt with the guilt by not feeling guilty about living my life.
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Old 11-11-2007, 09:35 AM
 
35 posts, read 159,979 times
Reputation: 34
Thanks guys/gals for these responses. It make me feel better just knowing that others are have gone/are going through the same emotions. As June of 08' approaches, if the guilt starts to creep in again, I will read these responses in order to feel better.

Others feel free to continue sharing -- just wanted to say thanks to those who have already.

(Great idea about the blog, Randy!)
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Old 11-11-2007, 10:04 AM
 
Location: Burlington VT
1,405 posts, read 4,381,978 times
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Thanks for starting the thread, Kalika!

In my case, my parents left my childhood home rather than the other way around. I'm an only child too.

I've been begging them to come back, but they said they'd gotten "stuck" in California, halfway back from where they lived before that ...and I'm a Vermonter.

I'm thrilled to report they are finally moving back to VT - to an assisted living facility near me.

I can offer 2 pieces of advice - First, thank goodness for long term care insurance. My parents have it, and now my wife and I have it too. Secondly, my mother admitted to me that they should have begun the process of moving back here as soon as they got my father's initial medical diagnosis a few years ago. I should have renewed my begging/nagging when my father go the diagnosis. They waited too long, but they are packing up to move now. They've never been packrats like I seem to be, so thier possessions don't own them the way many people's do...(I'm working on it, thanks )

Namaste!

DB
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Old 11-11-2007, 10:35 AM
 
35 posts, read 159,979 times
Reputation: 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaz longue View Post
Thanks for starting the thread, Kalika!

In my case, my parents left my childhood home rather than the other way around. I'm an only child too.

I've been begging them to come back, but they said they'd gotten "stuck" in California, halfway back from where they lived before that ...and I'm a Vermonter.

I'm thrilled to report they are finally moving back to VT - to an assisted living facility near me.

I can offer 2 pieces of advice - First, thank goodness for long term care insurance. My parents have it, and now my wife and I have it too. Secondly, my mother admitted to me that they should have begun the process of moving back here as soon as they got my father's initial medical diagnosis a few years ago. I should have renewed my begging/nagging when my father go the diagnosis. They waited too long, but they are packing up to move now. They've never been packrats like I seem to be, so thier possessions don't own them the way many people's do...(I'm working on it, thanks )

Namaste!

DB
Wow! That's great news, Chaz! Yep, long-term health insurance is key. My folks have it also. I'm so happy for you...your parents are coming to you! Well, at least your mother admitted to you that you were right, and they should have made the decision to join you sooner. Nice when parents admit they're wrong...cause it doesn't happen too often!

After I return to the west coast next year, I will go to work on trying to convince them to move out. They are very lucky in that money isn't an issue for them (wish I could say the same for me). Until then, since I am a teacher and have 3 months off every summer, I can comfort them with the fact that I can still spend a lot of time with them.

__()__
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Old 11-11-2007, 11:04 AM
 
175 posts, read 670,759 times
Reputation: 60
Early and late 60's is not that old. If they were close to 80 and ready for the nursing home, then I could understand the guilt. You still have to live your life and make the best choices for YOU.
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