Why do friends ignore me now that I live in CA? (San Diego: high school, casino)

[boulder2015]

Originally Posted by sacreole

It takes a lot of effort to maintain friendships across the miles, even on social media. The whole concept of BFFs can be deceptive. Precious few people we meet in our lives qualify as BFFs. I have yet to move across the country but I have made two long-distance moves within California, from So Cal to the San Joaquin Valley (Visalia) and from the San Joaquin Valley to Sacramento.

I've been in Sacramento for about 13 years now, and other than some business acquaintances, I eventually lost touch with most of the friends I had in Visalia/San Joaquin Valley after 3-4 years. Not only am I in a different place geographically speaking from my old friends and acquaintances but also professionally, socially and spiritually.

I would focus my energy and attention on establishing and nurturing friendships in San Diego. Grieve the loss of the old friendships you had in the Northeast and South Florida but don't become too nostalgic about the past. Stay in the present and be open to your new social reality. You and your wife are in a different place. As Maliblue mentioned, your friends no longer see you on a regular basis and social media doesn't always make up for that.

Dingdingoing! We have a thread winner... I would agree that finding new friends in SD should be your priority. HOWEVER, I will add two other points:

1. Politics. Don't know the politics of your various friends, but a lot of people hate the politics and weirdness of ca and feel that this is disproportionately represented in American culture due to Hollywood and silicon Valley. It is as simpleminded and myopic a view as the view ca and noreast folks have of "flyover states."

2. Bragging. I have several unrelated groups of fb friends who clearly get off on posting "sunny day at the beach in February" pics (less this year) for their friends and family back in Buffalo, Cleveland, kansas, etc. To be fair this may be a form of retaliation for years of "why would you move to ca, its so expensive, and scary, and full of drugged up fruits and nuts" comments from the folks back home. Not to be sexist about this but it seems to happen more with my female friends? Anecdotal but noticeable. Sometimes this seems like a form of catty high school revenge. "Girl you were queen bee back in hs but now I live in malibu and you are stuck in Peoria." So while this wouldn't bug your fla friends, who have good weather and scenery think about how that plays with your ne friends shoveling 3 ft of snow. As soon as I saw "we post pictures" a red flag went up..

[roadwarrior101]

Think it has a lot to do with amount of time lapsed between when you were living nearby and when you weren't. When you were in FL, it was less time from when you were nearby. Also, people probably were able to more easily take trips down to visit you and vice versa. When they say "out of sight, out of mind", that saying definitely holds true (has happened to me as well).

[aewan68]

Originally Posted by TheGoodUsernamesWereTaken

Probably because you are poor with money management and financials in general, and have self esteem issues.

Finance issues because someone would have to sleep through every econ class in school to somehow land on the conclusion that flushing money down the toilet (insane COL, insane taxes) is something an intelligent person would do. Self esteem issues, because someone without them wouldn't feel the need to live in a state that is essentially overrated and fools gold, when in reality you could get along just fine anywhere else in the country - the sky is above your head and the earth beneath your feet like everywhere else.

I know this because I am the same fool, I willingly give money to this state that could go to retirement, fun, investments, and just about every other priority that comes before turning around and putting it in uncle sam's pocket.

Does not really fit me, I actually am doing better financially here than when I lived in South Florida. I also work in a specialized field where I cannot just go "anywhere" to make a living.

I made the mistake of telling some former co-workers I got full relocation and a sign on bonus to come out here, they swallowed when I told them so that already answered my question.

[aewan68]

Interesting thoughts, it could be the distance and time zone as many said. We were around 1300 miles from friends we knew in the Northeast when we lived in South Florida and within the same time zone so maybe that explains it, plus many wanted to escape to the area during winter which was common.

Many people on the East Coast never been to CA at all, it seems like a far away place to them, the same holds true here, I met many who never been east.

Still though, in this day an age, Facebook and etc., I find it odd how people cut ties.

[fluffythewondercat]

Originally Posted by aewan68

Does not really fit me, I actually am doing better financially here than when I lived in South Florida. I also work in a specialized field where I cannot just go "anywhere" to make a living.

I made the mistake of telling some former co-workers I got full relocation and a sign on bonus to come out here, they swallowed when I told them so that already answered my question.

Wow. And in the last year you've been posting stuff about what a good time you're having.

While I realize me-me-me self-promotion is de rigeur for social media, what plays on FB doesn't necessarily sit well with other people, who may have silent resentments.

[aewan68]

Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat

Wow. And in the last year you've been posting stuff about what a good time you're having.

While I realize me-me-me self-promotion is de rigeur for social media, what plays on FB doesn't necessarily sit well with other people, who may have silent resentments.

Well the FB stuff was not excessive, not material objects or glory hound'ish in nature, just national park visits, and the natural stuff like the beach things CA is noted for and are majestic in nature.

I did not go out and buy a luxury car and post pictures of it like a lot of people do, or trips to Hawaii, Monaco or Fiji which mind you one of our friends from FL did after we left. Excessive amount of selfies and pictures at a swanky resort too, overkill amount I might add. I would say many of our friends have FB overload, not us just a few photos occasionally.

[radiolibre99]

I can relate with the OP. I moved from Texas to Los Angeles five years ago and have noticed friends dropping off who used to comment on my social media all the time. I know it's a mix of out of sight, out of mind but a bit of jealousy or outright disdain is also mixed in a little. Some don't care but others do. Especially if you're always posting pics of palm trees and beautiful sunsets. People see that as showing off even if that is not your intention.

The reason why I know this is because I have friends who moved to Nashville and other parts of the heartland, and they clearly post pictures that are staged to make them look as though they are the coolest person on FB. I mean pics of carefully placed bags of where they went shopping, selfies galore and checking in at fancy eateries in their town. Yet, they get dozens, high double digit 'likes'. They 'like' pics where others are showing off a new diamond ring, I mean comments up the ying yang. So how are they not showing off yet I am apparently?

When you move to CA it does say something. It says that you abandoned your home state for something better and people might think that you think you're too good for them or something akin to that. CA is so vast and varied in landscape that you can make it look as though you're on vacation every weekend going some place new. There is just no contest when it comes to CA and what it offers. Going shopping at the outlet mall in Tennessee or Texas and posting about the fun time you had there and showing off the Neiman Marcus bag is never going to look as cool as a pic of you sipping a drink at Thousand Steps Beach in Laguna. Or hanging out on Sunset Blvd. They know this.

[mrwumpus]

Two years ago we moved from sunny Southern CA to MT. Our CA friends dropped off too, and certainly not because they are jealous of our 100+ more days without sunshine.

Some do still reply on social media but I don't think we've talked to any on the phone for months if not a year+. One of our daughters still does FaceTime once and a while with one of her friends.

We did visit a couple of times and it was just like old times but day-to-day we don't share the same reality anymore. If they lived down the street here we'd be hanging out all the time.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by Maliblue

Honestly, I doubt it has anything to do with California. When people move 3000 miles away, their friends usually start losing touch unless you work hard to maintain contact. Maybe you were sharing too many photos? No way to know.

People may or may not like California, but I don't think friends usually hold one's state against the other. It's just a really long distance from Florida, and they no longer see you in their lives on a day to day basis.

This. OP, I don't imagine Floridians would be jealous of CA. They're in their own little slice of heaven, right there. But you're at the opposite side of the continent now--that could well have something to do with it.


Make new friends in CA.

[expatCA]

Originally Posted by mrwumpus

Two years ago we moved from sunny Southern CA to MT. Our CA friends dropped off too, and certainly not because they are jealous of our 100+ more days without sunshine.

Some do still reply on social media but I don't think we've talked to any on the phone for months if not a year+. One of our daughters still does FaceTime once and a while with one of her friends.

We did visit a couple of times and it was just like old times but day-to-day we don't share the same reality anymore. If they lived down the street here we'd be hanging out all the time.

Yes when anyone chooses to move, they are leaving their friends, not the other way around. Just the way life works.