My husband wants to move and I dont...plz respond ASAP (San Diego: apartment, house)
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We live rent free, that is true. But rent doesn't mean food, utilities and all our other bills. They HELP with childcare, they have lives and jobs too, I did not say they provide all the childcare. He wanted to move to my family's. The issue IS he wants to move back to his hometown Plumas County, he doesn't want to stay in San Diego any more. That also is the topic, so please stick to it. The intention of this post was not for people to be ugly. I don't mind people telling me I am being unreasonable and should consider moving, but analyzing my bills and choice of having children is no ones business.
Sometimes you have to put yourself second to better your kids' lives.
Taking on a huge amount of debt for a better future for her kids is putting herself second.
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If she doesn't want to consider her husbands' opinions, she shouldn't be married.
Lets see, she is willing to move to NorCal and go to a med school up there. Seems to me like she already has and is willing to compromise UNLIKE her husband, who doesn't seem to have compromised on anything. Maybe her husband needs to consider HER opinions and the well being of their FAMILY in the long run and not some selfish desire to live in the middle of nowhere at the expense of the well being of their family in the long run.
1- Actually this is what loans are for, to help better yourself for the future. What is she suppose to do?
2- Forget school and go work in fast food so she doesn't have to take out student loans?!? Yeah, b/c that would be better in the long run for her kids You gotta spend money to make money and this is an INVESTMENT in the future well being of her family. You obviously don't really value education if you are discouraging someone from becoming a doctor.
Working full time, going to school, and taking care of a family. She is doing a hell of a lot more than others in her situation, I admire that.
1- Putting her family in debt is not exactly bettering herself. Education is an investment, but it is also a business. She could consider a compromise to the 9 year+ commitment, like I said before, and get out of school quicker, thus supporting her family more effectively.
2- Fast food? Now who's making assumptions? Is that where she works now?
3- I don't devalue education, but I know first hand what a sacrafice it is to become a dr. as my brother has been one for 15 years. I have 7 years of university under my belt as well, so again, who's assuming???
1- Putting her family in debt is not exactly bettering herself.
When its for putting yourself through school to be in one of the highest paid professions, yes it is bettering herself.
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2- Fast food? Now who's making assumptions? Is that where she works now?
Good god, it was an example, don't take things so literally. My point was that w/o school its much more difficult to get a good job to support her family.
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3- I don't devalue education, but I know first hand what a sacrafice it is to become a dr. as my brother has been one for 15 years. I have 7 years of university under my belt as well, so again, who's assuming???
I guess we BOTH are assuming..... I've seen people do the same or similar thing and its paid off in the long run and their families are much better off for that decision to make sacrifices at the beginning.
As far as moving goes, I would say no. You're moving from a large city to an area with fewer jobs, opportunties, etc. I would stay near one of your families to have the support system you need raising a young family. Its one thing to move away if you have the finacail resources to pay for all the things and services you need as new parents. Its quite another to pick up and go somewhere with no job, no family and no money.
Lastly, I know you are in a rough patch, but this is just a season in your life. I've got a 2 & 4 year old at home and both my wife & I work so I know how hard this stage is. And we are fortunate not to have the economic issues you guys are struggling with. You have got to stick together and come up with a plan you can both agree to that take in consideration your needs, his needs and most importantly the kids needs.
Stick together & work hard and you will make it happen.
Ok, now that you've admitted that his hometown is Plumas County, it makes a lot more sense.
Why not be fair... Since he's lived with your family for 2 years, couldn't you return the favor? Does he have possible job connections up there since he's from there?
Well I though I said in an earlier post it was his hometown. We have not live with my family for 2 years, we have lived with them for 4 months. Like I said before, we lived in Fallbrook and wanted to move more towards central SD. And no he has no current job connections, he might know one or two people but he isn't sure.
My philosophy when it comes to marriage is if two people can't agree on an issue, don't do anything. There was a time when my husband wanted to move but I was just not emotionally ready because of the circumstances at the time. As time went by I became stronger and just as eager to make a move, so we did. The same might happen for you as you gain stability in your finances and your marriage.
Personally, I believe your husband is unreasonable for wanting to uproot the family from the stability you do have while other situations are unstable, such as his employment. It's much easier to stay where you are and deal with the issues at hand first before making more changes and putting yourself in a potentially worse situation with no support system! I believe this would make things worse for your family and marriage in the long run.
I do sympathize with your husband on one account though. I think it's wonderful that your parents have been so helpful but I'm sure it wears on his self esteem. He is probably frustrated with himself that he hasn't been able to take care of his own family and that he has no definitive role to play. Perhaps he just wants to get away because he feels it will eliminate outside interference and force him to take on the role of provider. He may also have convinced himself that he will be more likely to find a job somewhere else, which may or may not be true. Ultimately he seems to need a big boost of confidence to get through this rut.
Having said all that, I am traditional in that I believe that the burden of decisions should be placed on the husband. Express your feelings and point of view to him clearly. Perhaps encourage him by saying you are willing to move out of your parents studio and see where he's coming from after that. Being in a new environment may change his outlook more than you know! If none of this makes a difference and he is still set on moving then I believe you should be with your husband no matter where he goes. Perhaps you could encourage him by saying you would be more likely to consider a move if he had a job lined up first. He should understand that if he makes this choice on his own that ultimately the burden of responsibility is his to make it work. It may cause him to have second thoughts if he believes there is any chance it might not work out for the best.
On a final note, sometimes it's enough for husbands to know that you are willing to back them. Maybe he is just hoping that his desires still mean something and that he is still the "man of the house", so to speak. I hope this works out for all of you, whatever happens!
Last edited by hanna_house; 12-18-2008 at 04:46 PM..
Well, you'll have to make the ultimate decision. As others have said, I think your counseling appointment tomorrow will help the process. Maybe if he secures employment up north first, would you would consider moving? It might put a fire under his butt.
Looks like the real question is, do you value your relationship with your husband more than you want to live near your family. As you posted in your thread posted last June, "I do think our relationship would be better if I did live somewhere else." Moving to Plumas County??
Although you may not believe me, I wish you the best with the baby in March.
Last edited by cabolissa; 12-18-2008 at 04:56 PM..
It seems like a pretty bad idea to move to the middle of nowhere at this point in your life, especially when you're in school already and have taken on debt. You're living rent free and have support from your parents, my brother is current living hundreds of miles from any family and it's pretty difficult for them due to that.
If he wants to move out so badly tell him to get a job so that you can actually pay for rent. Also the fact that he's making ultimatums is worrisome.
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You gotta spend money to make money and this is an INVESTMENT in the future well being of her family. You obviously don't really value education if you are discouraging someone from becoming a doctor.
