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Old 07-07-2010, 07:49 PM
 
48 posts, read 112,158 times
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I have two close friends who are going through cancer treatments right now. Any tips on how to best help my friends through this difficult time is appreciated. I do keep in touch, offer to help, visit, pray and bring gifts. One friend is early in her fight and has a good prognosis. The other was given a poor prognosis but has responded wonderfully to treatment and is cancer free at this time but still undergoing uncomfortable radiation and chemo treatments. Many thanks to all who respond and God bless!
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Old 07-07-2010, 08:34 PM
 
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Doesn't sound like you need advice, frankly. Just being there and caring is the best thing you can do. Of course other things (esp if they are mentally and/or physically "low" due to treatments, stress etc) like taking them to or making them dinner, helping with household things etc can be a real boost too.
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Old 07-08-2010, 02:44 PM
 
Location: Missouri Ozarks
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Sounds like you're doing a great job already just being there for them.

If they have pets or young kids, offer to take them out somewhere on the days following treatment.
I know myself that I don't feel like walking my dogs very far as I'm usually tired and queasy for a couple of days after treatment and to have someone do that would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 07-08-2010, 06:03 PM
 
Location: Georgia, USA
37,016 posts, read 41,066,329 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buckeye3 View Post
I have two close friends who are going through cancer treatments right now. Any tips on how to best help my friends through this difficult time is appreciated. I do keep in touch, offer to help, visit, pray and bring gifts. One friend is early in her fight and has a good prognosis. The other was given a poor prognosis but has responded wonderfully to treatment and is cancer free at this time but still undergoing uncomfortable radiation and chemo treatments. Many thanks to all who respond and God bless!
Buckeye:

Bless you for being there for your friends. I have not had cancer myself, but my son did when he was thirteen. (He is now 35 and a father for the first time.)

Many patients find it difficult to accept help when it is offered. Instead of saying, "What can I do to help?"

Say, "I will be there Wednesday at 1:00 to pick up your laundry. I will return it Friday at 1:00."

Say, "When is your next treatment? I will be there to pick you up and drive you to your appointment."

Say, "While your hubby takes you to your treatment, Sally and Betty and Jane and I will be there to pick up the house, change the sheets, and clean the bathrooms."

Say, "I am baking a chicken for Sunday dinner. I will do one for you, too."

Say, "My kids are going to the pool tomorrow afternoon. I will pick up yours and take them to lunch and to the pool with us."

Say to the kids, "I know your Mom is sick and you are probably worried. Would you like to talk about it?"

Say, "I'm going to the grocery store (or Wal Mart). Make me a list of what you need and I'll pick it up."

Say to the hubby, "While I take her to her treatment, why don't you take a nap?"

Say to the hubby, "I know you are worried and probably not eating and sleeping well. Would you like to talk about it? Does your doctor know about what you are going through?" See here for a take on the hubbies: http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ma...ld_your_purse/

Say to the hubby, "The kids and I will be over Saturday to mow the lawn and wash the car."

Say, "I would really love to watch Miss Congeniality again. Why don't we watch it together tomorrow? I'll bring the video and the ice cream."

Say, "I'm going to the library. Is there anything you would like for me to get for you?"

Say, "I am having a manicure and pedicure on Wednesday. Would you join me?"

When she has no hair, find her a funny hat or stylish turban.

When her hair grows back, say, "I'm treating you to a haircut. When would you like to make the appointment with the stylist?"

Say, "Here is a gift certificate for massages for you and hubby."

I think you can take it from here. Believe me, the best gifts are ones that require your time, not money, and will be long remembered.

Side effects from treatment, like nausea and fatigue, make it really difficult to take care of the ordinary affairs of day to day living, and most of us cannot afford to hire someone to do it. Just word it so that it easier for her to let you do something than it would be to decline!

If you can, get other friends to join you. Then you can set up a regular schedule to do the routine tasks until she feels better and can do them herself.

Last edited by suzy_q2010; 07-08-2010 at 06:32 PM.. Reason: Add more ideas and correct typos
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Old 07-09-2010, 07:21 AM
 
48 posts, read 112,158 times
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Thank you for the concrete suggestions. It truly helps.
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Old 07-09-2010, 09:38 AM
 
Location: NJ
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My opinion.. it all depends on the relationship you have with the cancer patient. My hub did not want a lot of people in our house 1) he was not up to company & 2) he was afraid of germs. You have to try to find a balance. What is probably helpful is if you do go over there, bring some lemon Lysol disinfecting cleaner & do the door knobs, light switches & faucets, also lamp switches.

Do they have a cancer blog? My #1 complaint is that I set one up & did not get a lot of replies. How is it that people asked for access (it was private) but no one responded? While it's hard on the patient; they will not remember much when treatment is over. The caregiver needs to know people are there for them.

It can also be touchy with driving them. My step son drove hub a few times & it turns out I should have been there. If the patient gets admitted; someone should stay with them as much as possible. I missed 1 full day with my hub; I thought his son would go but didn't & an infection he had was not taken care of properly.

Bringing over food is a good suggestion. I wish people would have done this for us. Hub had a feeding tube, I spent a lot of time "cooking" for him - making a high calorie puree some times 2x a day, then his medications plus radiation 5x week.. cooking for myself & the kids was not something I had energy for. If there is a local pizza place, see if they have a gift card. Also bring things like milk, cheese, eggs & bread over. A case of bottled water is helpful.

If you do cook for them, please, please be sure that you wash your hands very often. If you touch something, wash your hands before going back to the food. Also make sure the prep area is disinfected. If you taste the food while cooking, do not put the spoon back in.

Some people thought I was anal with how much I washed my hands & disinfected (also used Lysol spray). My husband never had an infection like my dad did from dirty stuff. My "mother" used the same sponge on everything & he paid for it.
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Old 07-09-2010, 09:45 AM
 
3,650 posts, read 9,196,745 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by suzy_q2010 View Post
When she has no hair, find her a funny hat or stylish turban.
Great post, but I disagree w/this one 1000%. The LAST thing a woman who loses her hair wants to do is look "funny" or out of the ordinary - which she's extremely conscious of already. And unless you're in the Middle East or a hard-core Muslim, a turban is essentially a "funny hat." Buy her the most stylish hat you can afford.
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Old 07-09-2010, 10:01 AM
 
Location: NJ
23,835 posts, read 33,379,824 times
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Some don't like hats. My MIL had a wig that she wore to fly out here with but once she got here she didn't wear it. Think she had a scarf. Everything else hurt/itched her head IIRC
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Old 07-09-2010, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Georgia, USA
37,016 posts, read 41,066,329 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joey2000 View Post
Great post, but I disagree w/this one 1000%. The LAST thing a woman who loses her hair wants to do is look "funny" or out of the ordinary - which she's extremely conscious of already. And unless you're in the Middle East or a hard-core Muslim, a turban is essentially a "funny hat." Buy her the most stylish hat you can afford.

Fair enough, but I expect it varies with the patient. And there are some very nice turban style hats. They also tend to be warmer in the winter months.

My son actually decided to wear a wig.

We purchased an expensive one when he was first diagnosed. With the initial treatment, his hair got thinner, and he never wore it.

He had a relapse, and all his hair fell out when his treatment protocol was changed. By then, the original wig was too small.

I went to a local shop, bought an inexpensive wig, and we went to the stylist who normally cut his hair. She put the wig on his head and styled it to match his normal haircut.

He put it on every morning and wore it until he went to bed at night.

Fast forward about two years. He is on maintenance chemo, his hair has started to grow back, and he still wears the wig. Mom says nothing. Eventually, his real hair is longer than the wig. Mom says, "It looks like you need a haircut. Don't you think it's time to quit wearing the wig?" You could see the light bulb go on. The wig had become such an everyday part of his life, it was like wearing his glasses.

The first day he went back to school without it, someone he did not know well asked him if he had colored his hair. To my knowledge, that is the only thing anyone ever said to him about his hair at school.

Last edited by suzy_q2010; 07-09-2010 at 11:05 AM.. Reason: fix typo
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Old 07-09-2010, 04:38 PM
 
Location: A little suburb of Houston
3,702 posts, read 18,179,091 times
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Depending on the type of cancer and the treatment involved, I have found that doing grocery shopping and cooking is one of the best helps. It sure helped me after my surgeries and I've been trying to help out my mom with this as she goes through her ordeal (my dad is hopeless w/ groceries and cooking but is great at ordering pizza ) I don't think I've ever made so many soups, stews, and smoothies, which are the only things she can manage for the few days after chemo every 3 weeks.
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