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I want to know if anyone else has been in this situation. Under normal circumstances I try to keep a distant relationship witg my mother due to her combativeness and past issues. My boyfriend and I are now her primary caretakers. Im 29 and he is in his 30s.
She has nonhodgikins lymphona large b cell. Her doctor gave her a pretty good prognonis and she is in her early 60s but each time she gets chemo i need to wait on her hand and foot while being yelled at, insulted, and belittled. All this along with holding down a fulltime job and being in a relationship. I even got my boss to let me take her chemo days off of work withhout using vacation time.
I want to do the right thing but my current resentment makes me feel as if i cant be the best caretaker and im not even sure she even needs a caretaker or if she just doesnt want to be alone. She has no one else to take care of her as she is on bad terms with nearly everyone around her.
She has had 3 rchops already and has 3 more to go and i dont want to continue what we have been doing (her coming to our apartment after chemo and being mean/yelling at me and my boyfriend, not leaving for days, expecting me to wait on her, not allowing me to leave the house without screaming at me).
You must put your foot down. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
Tell her "Mom, I want to be here for you but if you yell at me I will leave". And do it. If she is well enough to come to your apartment and yell at you then she can probably take care of herself.
I want to know if anyone else has been in this situation. Under normal circumstances I try to keep a distant relationship witg my mother due to her combativeness and past issues. My boyfriend and I are now her primary caretakers. Im 29 and he is in his 30s.
She has nonhodgikins lymphona large b cell. Her doctor gave her a pretty good prognonis and she is in her early 60s but each time she gets chemo i need to wait on her hand and foot while being yelled at, insulted, and belittled. All this along with holding down a fulltime job and being in a relationship. I even got my boss to let me take her chemo days off of work withhout using vacation time.
I want to do the right thing but my current resentment makes me feel as if i cant be the best caretaker and im not even sure she even needs a caretaker or if she just doesnt want to be alone. She has no one else to take care of her as she is on bad terms with nearly everyone around her.
She has had 3 rchops already and has 3 more to go and i dont want to continue what we have been doing (her coming to our apartment after chemo and being mean/yelling at me and my boyfriend, not leaving for days, expecting me to wait on her, not allowing me to leave the house without screaming at me).
Tell her help is on your terms. After chemo drop her off at her own home. Give your local Meals on Wheels a call with her address. If need be contact Social Services.
And Best Wishes.
I want to know if anyone else has been in this situation. Under normal circumstances I try to keep a distant relationship witg my mother due to her combativeness and past issues. My boyfriend and I are now her primary caretakers. Im 29 and he is in his 30s.
She has nonhodgikins lymphona large b cell. Her doctor gave her a pretty good prognonis and she is in her early 60s but each time she gets chemo i need to wait on her hand and foot while being yelled at, insulted, and belittled. All this along with holding down a fulltime job and being in a relationship. I even got my boss to let me take her chemo days off of work withhout using vacation time.
I want to do the right thing but my current resentment makes me feel as if i cant be the best caretaker and im not even sure she even needs a caretaker or if she just doesnt want to be alone. She has no one else to take care of her as she is on bad terms with nearly everyone around her.
She has had 3 rchops already and has 3 more to go and i dont want to continue what we have been doing (her coming to our apartment after chemo and being mean/yelling at me and my boyfriend, not leaving for days, expecting me to wait on her, not allowing me to leave the house without screaming at me).
TELL that dumb doctor to put her on pain med's that will calm her down and take her pain away !! Hydrocodone should work fine.
Pain will make anyone hard to get along with.
(used for around-the-clock treatment of severe pain)
TELL that dumb doctor to put her on pain med's that will calm her down and take her pain away !! Hydrocodone should work fine.
There's no pain once the patient has completed the R-CHOP cycle. Every oncologist prescribes anti-nausea and other meds for patients undergoing treatment.
This woman is abusive and taking advantage of her daughter (and she apparently believes that since she has cancer, she can use that as an excuse for her behavior). I second virgode's suggestions in post #3.
Perhaps you can go with your Mom to her next primary care and oncology appointments. And before the appointments, call her doctors and let them know that your mother has become unhappy, abusive, irritable and you are concerned that DEPRESSION might be contributing. She is also likely getting steroids as part of her treatment, and steroids can make her bad behavior worse (did you know that?). Of course some of her behavior is based on past events, but if you step back.... do you think untreated mental illness may have been a variable in the past as well?
You can explain to the doctors that things have gotten so bad that you may have to stop being her caregiver if the doctors can help with treatment. Ask them to keep your call private, but ask them to ask questions and address the issue during the next appointment.
It is very common to start anti-depressants during cancer treatment. Psychiatrists are also part of most large hospital cancer groups and see patients throughout and after treatment.
It is very very very common for depression to be a part of cancer - both as a symptom of the cancer itself and a reaction to the life change event. Doctors are getting better about asking about these symptoms, but many still forget. Remind them.
She has had 3 rchops already and has 3 more to go and i dont want to continue what we have been doing
Then don't.
Your mother is abusive, has always taken her anger out on those around her and doesn't deserve care when apparently she doesn't even need it.
It's okay if you don't love your mother. Really. It's more than okay if you don't want to take care of her. If you want to step back and let go, I would absolutely support that. And no, it is absolutely NOT your responsibility to line up mental health diagnosis and treatment for her!
Your mother is abusive, has always taken her anger out on those around her and doesn't deserve care when apparently she doesn't even need it.
It's okay if you don't love your mother. Really. It's more than okay if you don't want to take care of her. If you want to step back and let go, I would absolutely support that. And no, it is absolutely NOT your responsibility to line up mental health diagnosis and treatment for her!
Maybe the only (and best) way to give her a serious reality check is to not help her. Getting sick does not give anyone a free pass to abuse anyone else. Tell her why you can't help in clear terms. She will be angry and feeling put upon at first (sounds like she already has that down), but it may be the only way she'll learn a valuable lesson; to appreciate and value others. If she doesn't learn it, that's on her. Don't let her guilt you into it. Don't reward her for her bad behavior. If she does learn something, things will be better for both of you.http://www.city-data.com/forum/editp...ost&p=50782861
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