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Elderly parents dumped into nursing homes by children, older parents living with children, medical issues, medical care required, children and siblings’ responsibility, caregiver
Yes, sometimes just writing it down is a way to let it go. I firmly believe in respecting your parents, but I also will not allow anyone to be a focal part of my life who makes me miserable. Your mother's your mother, but you are certainly entitled to a life of your own. I think you made the right decision. Good luck to you
I just read the inverse thread, and was going to post something of my own, so hope originator of said thread doesn't mind my using a similar title
I have two old parents --85 and 91. Mom lives upstairs alone and dad is in lockup (downstairs, Alzheimers) in a care facility.
What burns me up and stresses me out is that I was the only one of my siblings to call my mother yesterday on 4th of July!
I live in another state. I realize my siblings have the day to day responsibility in terms of care giving, but a freakin phone call on 4th of July wouldn't have put them out too much. Arghh!
There's nothing that I'll do about it, as I am estranged from my siblings. Things were tough growing up and when I took care of my dad a few years ago for ten days (he didn't even know who I was) while mom was having surgery, no one even called on Labor Day and they left me off power of attorney. I told my brother than if this weren't remediated I'd never go back up there. He just shrugged it off and then my mother learned of this and said over her dead body, so it was changed. I vowed I'd never set foot in that state again, but I have visited a couple of times since. I just need to vent. It's such a sad situation and I just don't understand how my three siblings did not even pick up the phone yesterday.
Yes, they voted for Bush so I sort of understand, but still...
4th of July? That's the best you got is that they didn't call on the 4th of July? They do everything on a daily basis and all you have to do is make a lousy phone call and you're criticizing them? You've got some nerve. You are good-for-nothing except phone calls on the odd holiday and they are the ones who do the WORK. You're jealous because you know each one of your siblings is worth 10 of you AND THEY KNOW IT TOO. That's why no one but your mother CARES if you ever step foot back in the state. Pathetic!
I can sympathize with you. I come from a similar although not as hostile a situation. Recently (a year ago) we moved to Las Vegas from Michigan. I was the only one out of 4 children who still lived close (10 miles) from my parents. We were always there for everything, shoveling snow, raking leaves, putting the dock in, taking the dock out etc. My siblings would come and visit and enjoy the lake but would rarely lift a finger to help with the work. Shortly after our move my youngest brother passed away and he was the only one left in the state even though he lived about 4 hours away. Now, my other brother and sister both live in neighboring states with in 5-6 hours. No one put the dock in, helped with the 2 trees that were blown down or anything else they needed help with. My parents call me all the time because they are so upset at the thought they will have to sell their home and move into a condo or something. Granted, I realize that this is probably a more practical solution for them but they love living on the lake and having the kids visit and enjoy everything it has to offer. I feel like my siblings could make more of an effort to help them out since I did it for 20+ years.
You sound like Movin'Ons siblings. They do the heavy lifting and he calls on Labor Day.
My mother thinks the entire world revolves around her.
She whines and cries about how no one helps her and how she has awful kids, and can be very convincing and charming.
She makes "friends" of people that will do things and buy things for her. Once they realize they are being used, the friendship ends and she looks for a new victim to listen to her lies.
"Mom" has conveniently forgotten all of the abusive and neglectful things she has done to my sister and I...and re-written history. My father died suddenly when I was 11, and I was "baggage". My sister was older and not living at home then.
She has never taken responsibility for all the conflict she has caused and all the hurtful things she has done to us over the years. It would take pages and pages to list them all.
She stopped working as soon as she was eligible for Social Security and expected me to pick up the slack. For the last 27 years I had worked two jobs.
I am in my 50's, and for years I wanted to walk away and not look back... but daughters don't do that. I watched what she did. I felt tremendous guilt for thinking of cutting ties. I felt tremendous anger for what she did and continued to do.
I was someone to get money from, since my sister cut her off years ago for the same hateful behavior.
There is always a turning point. The straw that breaks the camel's back.
She has her social security, medicare, and section 8 housing. I made sure she had nice furniture (before I wised up)and I gave her a car. A few years ago, I pre-paid her funeral expenses.
I sent her money each month...until day before yesterday.
...But, she has her "wonderful friends" that just adore her!
I re-married and moved across the country last year. If I had taken her to live with me you would see me featured on American Justice. I am only half kidding.
She pulled the final stunt, and I am done.
She will continue to tell people I abandoned her, no matter what I do. She loves to get sympathy and she needs to be the center of attention.
While not a conventional solution, it works for me. It is time for me to be a healthy happy person and let go of the cause of a lifetime of unhappiness.
She will never change until she passes away.
Whew!!! I guess I really needed to get that out of my system.
I think a lot of us labor under the "good daughter" syndrome. You have to do what is healthy for you. Your mother is manipulative and a martyr. Dismiss any feelings of guilt. You have tried to create a mother-daughter relationship that your mother did not provide for you when you were a child and she is incapable of even understanding her responsibilities as a mother. She wasn't there for you emotionally as a child and you have tried to create an emotional closeness to her out of obligation. There comes a time when toxic people need to be distanced. You have nothing to feel bad about. She is incapable of a stable, caring relationship with anyone. She will continue to use and abuse those around her til she dies. She is who she is. People do not change; they just get more themselves as they get older, LOL!!! You doubtless have learned how precious SANE relationships are. Enjoy the meaningful relationships in your life and don't waste any more energy on your mother. She will never bring anything other than chaos and confusion into your life. People like this will use you until you draw the line - and refuse to be used further.
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