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I have been there. I am the caregiver for my elderly mom. My mom lives in her own home, and she always wanted to remain in her home. If it were not for my adult sons, I wouldnt be able to properly care for my mom. Family will always tell you HOW to do things, but, I have yet to have someone tell me that they can do a better job. I feel as if my mother is getting good care because shes being cared for by someone who loves her and wants what is best for her. Its easy to be an outsider looking into a situation but, you dont have a clue unless you're doing it 24/7.
I appreciate your input but I do not think your circumstance is similar to mine. You are doing a wonderful job and have assistance from your sons.
My situation is more delicate because this person is being taking advantage of, financially robbed, and not given proper treatment when they have the wherewithal to receive the best. The closest of kin is the manipulator and has been one even prior to being the primary caregiver.
I appreciate your input but I do not think your circumstance is similar to mine. You are doing a wonderful job and have assistance from your sons.
My situation is more delicate because this person is being taking advantage of, financially robbed, and not given proper treatment when they have the wherewithal to receive the best. The closest of kin is the manipulator and has been one even prior to being the primary caregiver.
Everybody faces different challenges but, really, the next of kin are the ones to make the decisions not you and unless you see outright abuse you really don't have a say in it. For the judicial system to get involved, you would probably have to have the Department of Family and Social services involved (or whatever it is in your state) and their is a broad interpretation of what is actually considered abuse.
And it may be your call that the person would be better off in a home but not everyone who knows and cares for the person would make that call. Concerning the person taking advantage - sometimes an elderly person reaps what they sow. My mother in law was such a ***** before her stroke that 3 of 4 sons insisted on placing her in a home, selling her house, and taking the money....this was back when you could distribute assets and put someone on Medicaid 3 years later. .. My husband dissented and then the nightmare we went through I am just not going to go into. But we had her for several unhappy years and took good care of her.
On another note:
My heart goes out to anyone dealing with dementia as it is a 24/7 nightmare. I fully understand placing a person with that in a home though one of my great aunts spent 7 years with Altzheimers at home - her 5 sons and 1 daughter and their spouses along with her husband all rotated care for her......but most families are not that large and close. My cousin said, even with all the help it was brutal.
Re: the "near kin, but not next of kin" situation -- unless you verifiably know the person has hundreds of thousands in the bank, their financial situation may not be as rosy as you think. My parents at one time had a relatively substantial savings account (not a million, but still a decent nest egg) - but throughout their retirement, it got spent on house issues, car repairs, living their life... 'till now, when having that kind of cushion would be fantastic -- there really isn't any.
So, while I appreciate that you want the best for this relative, don't be so quick to assume that there's a lot of money for the taking and that better care could easily be afforded.
As far as you having concerns - if you were close to this relative, were you also close with their immediate family members (i.e cousins, whatever??) -- could you say to them, "You know how much I always loved Aunt So&So... I know you're doing your best, but still I'm concerned, she just doesn't seem quite right -- what can I do to help??"
Maybe there's more to the medical picture than you know? Maybe they would welcome your offer of help?
Its hard to be on the "outside" and really know all the details that are going on . If you have a relationship with the caregivers, maybe you can ask them and they will let you know what the situation really is.
As far as preventing memory loss -- there are a lot of studies on Alzheimers and everyone reacts differently. Some people have very mild disease for a long time, and then drop quickly off a cliff to a much worse state. Whereas some people progress more steadily downhill. It may be that no matter what medicine regime is tried, your relative has just reached the point where they are declining.
Until there's a real treatment, or *fingers crossed* a cure - Alzheimers will continue to be a nightmare for all those affected.
I'm the youngest in my family, I lost my Father 9 yrs ago from cancer....RIP...I have accepted his departure (knowing that he is in a better place & is not suffering anymore) Thank You Jesus!!!!
My Dad ask me to take care of my older brother & his wife & four kids on his death bed, and of course I'm keeping my promise, but think that they're taking advantage of me on the whole deal.
And now I've got my lap overloaded, my dad's bf is in bad health, I know I can't feel my dad's shoes but I'm trying my darnest to step into them, but this isn't working out with my dad's bf, you see he's OMG.... undescribable, health hazard, poor hygeins, he is pacemaker dependant & COPD, he refuses to take his Meds except for his Narc. hydro's & xanax's...he is urinating & the other in his room, he doesn't bath. I'm needing to know how I can go about getting him into a nursing home, he's got to get out of my home, b/c I have 4 beautiful daughters that is having to carry this burden of embarrassment on them, I have a 18yr, 16yr, 14yr & a 6yr old plus a 9 month grandson living all in the same household, If I don't get him out, I'm afraid I'm gonna loose my husband & kids....PLZ I beg for any information on getting him into a nursing home...May God Bless You...
You may need an attorney. In many states, he is considered a resident of your home. You may have to give him a 30-day notice to vacate the premises. When he doesn't leave, call the sheriff to evict him. Or call the local elder authority, maybe Council on Aging, and ask for their help.
If he is incompetent to make decisions, you will have to go to court to declare him incompetent and a guardian is assigned. The guardian can move him into a facility.
May I suggest a Residential Board and Care Home for the Elderly in lieu of a nursing home. These are licensed residential homes with caregivers to watch, feed, and care for those not able to live alone. They take dementia residents. Since there are usually 1-2 caregivers on duty with 4-6 residents, your loved one will get the attention they need. Nothing beats a home environment.
The number one reason elderly folks are placed in "homes" is enuresis, urinary incontinence. Other reasons are stroke, with loss of fine and gross motor skills, dementia, at risk of hurting themselves, or others. Blindness is another reason why people put folks in nursing homes. I have taken care of elderly folks, and agree, unless you have a huge support system, that can give you respite, finding an assisted living facility is the best option. There are a range of places, with a range of prices. Taking care of elderly folks is a full time job...and can't be done when you are working full time, and taking care of kids, and a house.
I apologize if there is already a thread on this subject. I also apologize if I posted one in the past - I searched but couldn't find one.
My father, who is 85, has some dementia, mild incontinance, etc., and has steadily been getting worse for the past year or so. My brother could not handle his care anymore - I really thought I could and brought him to live with us a few months ago, but it is just too much stress on myself and my kids. Right now, he is in the hospital (nothing serious) and has been for a few days, and I know this sounds selfish, but it has been such a "weight" off of us. I have to make the decision now whether to go ahead and place him in long-term care or bring him back home here with us.
I love my Dad, and he was a good father, but in many ways, the "Dad" I had whose company I enjoyed, is long long gone. He just stares into space most days, complains about aches and pains, and apologizes for "messing" up the bathroom.
I would like to hear from people who finally made the decision to place their parent in a nursing home or assisted living facility, even if their parent would have preferred not to go.
What were the final "straws" or signs that persuaded you that it was the best thing for everyone concerned?
Thanks for any input.
I am in the same boat as you, my mom is 84, with the same problems as your dad, my sister had her for 4 yrs, she cause so much tension my sisters marrriage ended, I brought her to live with my husband and myself. I am constanstly stressed because we have to work 8-10 hrs aday then have to worry about her being here alone, I'm convincing myself it would be best for her to have 24 hr care, and that it would be best for us because we are so stressed that it is effecting our marriage also. So I need the same thoughts from other people who have been thru this also. God bless you and your family.
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Dear montanamom
