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Been lurking for awhile, first post- this seemed the best place for it.
I am an adult child (31 years old) of a parent with complicated medical problems. Since I was 12, I've been her primary caretaker. Some of her problems involve memory loss and mood disorders.
I have 5 siblings, but only one of them is of any help, and he lives across the country. The others have never even come to see while she was in the hospital.
I live at home to take care of her- on a good day she can feed herself, do laundry, etc., but she has many more bad days than good. I take her to her doctors' appointments (actually go in and speak to the doctor- she can't remember her symptoms or answer questions). We can't afford any kind of nurse, and she would throw a fit at the idea of one- she used to be very active and independent, and she's still clinging to that.
I used to say I would have plenty of time to be independent "later", but I'm realizing now that later is a long way off. I used to cope really well, but lately I've been tired and kind of depressed. I took a week off work to work on my own project- and she had a minor accident that week and created so much drama that I didn't get to do one thing for myself. It was some kind of tipping point, and since then I just feel crushed down.
Don't get my wrong- I love my mom!! She's a great lady. I'm just TIRED. Anyone else been in this position or have any suggestions? Or can even just relate to being a primary caretaker of an aging parent? It's like I'm parenting HER.
Haven't been in your situation, but I think the old dynamics of a 12 year old girl taking her mother's moods, has wore out. You are getting closer to figuring out degrees of independence/dependence that YOU (not your mother) are comfortable with. You have changed, congratulations. Maybe you will find those lines and draw them in the sand, for yours and hers sake. You need to live your life, too. 31 is a wonderful age. Sorry, no real advise.
There are many of us who have had to switch roles with our parents. And if you have children of your own in the mix, welcome to the sandwich generation. You seem to be very young for this but it can happen at any age. Get in touch with nursing homes or assisted iving homes to find out about respite care which gives the caretaker times off. the health of the caretaker often gets overlooked in favor of the health of the older patient.
You need to find some advocates in your area and you need to figure out a way your siblings find a way of sharing some of this burden. An elder care atty can advise how to get your mom on medicaid and if that is a route to take. There is some help for you in our community and maybe a pastor, or mental health clinic can help you find it.
Been lurking for awhile, first post- this seemed the best place for it.
I am an adult child (31 years old) of a parent with complicated medical problems. Since I was 12, I've been her primary caretaker. Some of her problems involve memory loss and mood disorders.
I have 5 siblings, but only one of them is of any help, and he lives across the country. The others have never even come to see while she was in the hospital.
I live at home to take care of her- on a good day she can feed herself, do laundry, etc., but she has many more bad days than good. I take her to her doctors' appointments (actually go in and speak to the doctor- she can't remember her symptoms or answer questions). We can't afford any kind of nurse, and she would throw a fit at the idea of one- she used to be very active and independent, and she's still clinging to that.
I used to say I would have plenty of time to be independent "later", but I'm realizing now that later is a long way off. I used to cope really well, but lately I've been tired and kind of depressed. I took a week off work to work on my own project- and she had a minor accident that week and created so much drama that I didn't get to do one thing for myself. It was some kind of tipping point, and since then I just feel crushed down.
Don't get my wrong- I love my mom!! She's a great lady. I'm just TIRED. Anyone else been in this position or have any suggestions? Or can even just relate to being a primary caretaker of an aging parent? It's like I'm parenting HER.
How old is your Mother? Are you prepared to do this for years and years?
I would say . . be getting Plan B in place. YOU cannot exist like this forever and should not be giving up your life for hers. No good parent would actually want that.
"Later" could be 10 or 20 years from now depending on the health and age of your Mom.
I am an only child; single working parent; whose 90 y/o father moved in with us last year. So I can relate - but I'm a lot older than you.
Caretaking an ill, adult individual - is very hard. You can become ill yourself, isolated, and depressed.
Seek out other 'elder care' websites or groups where you live. Begin to enlist the help of your siblings - they need to step up. Start visitng some assisted living areas and look at your Mom's finances.
You cannot continue to do this forever alone. Well, you can, but you will have sacrificed your own life in order to do so.
Been lurking for awhile, first post- this seemed the best place for it.
I am an adult child (31 years old) of a parent with complicated medical problems. Since I was 12, I've been her primary caretaker. Some of her problems involve memory loss and mood disorders.
I have 5 siblings, but only one of them is of any help, and he lives across the country. The others have never even come to see while she was in the hospital.
I live at home to take care of her- on a good day she can feed herself, do laundry, etc., but she has many more bad days than good. I take her to her doctors' appointments (actually go in and speak to the doctor- she can't remember her symptoms or answer questions). We can't afford any kind of nurse, and she would throw a fit at the idea of one- she used to be very active and independent, and she's still clinging to that.
I used to say I would have plenty of time to be independent "later", but I'm realizing now that later is a long way off. I used to cope really well, but lately I've been tired and kind of depressed. I took a week off work to work on my own project- and she had a minor accident that week and created so much drama that I didn't get to do one thing for myself. It was some kind of tipping point, and since then I just feel crushed down.
Don't get my wrong- I love my mom!! She's a great lady. I'm just TIRED. Anyone else been in this position or have any suggestions? Or can even just relate to being a primary caretaker of an aging parent? It's like I'm parenting HER.
not meaning to sound harsh, but:
first, give yourself just a little bit of solitude & "thinking time" & ask yourself what you want for your life;
second, make your nearby siblings take on some responsibility-- even if you have to get legal assistance to do so.
being helpful is a good thing-- but not when it means sacrificing yourself & your own life- especially when there are siblings who should be taking on some of the responsibility.
Thank you so much for the replies. My mom is 63, and certainly part of my issue is the realization I could be looking at 20 more years of care taking. It was easier when I was younger to say I'll have my chance later, but the older I get, the harder that becomes. I feel like my life got put on pause basically.
I've gotten some good advice, but I'm not sure how to convince my mother that things need to change. She'll routinely tell me she's sorry for being a 'burden' and that I can leave home- only to burst into tears over the very idea of it. I hear so often that I'm the reason she's alive.
And again, I love my mother...taking responsibility for her is something I very consciously chose to do. She's not a burden, and I don't feel like this was thrust upon me- when I was 15 or so I made that decision (I can actually remember the exact day, time, etc.) I'm just trying to find a balance to being responsible to MYSELF too.
As for my siblings...I've spoken to them too many times. There's no way to force them to help legally, right?
It would almost be easier if mom wasn't still as mentally together as she is. I feel TERRIBLE saying that, but she's aware enough to have that gratitude that ends up making me feel guilty. And she's aware enough to have that pride that makes her so resistant to any outside help. I try to get her into counseling for her moods- she refuses. She won't accept a nurse or house cleaner. She'd rather be dead than in assisted living. At the same time, her memory and mood are bad enough that it can be hard to have rational conversations about these issues.
Again, thank you to each of you for taking the time to reply. I don't want to sound like I'm rejecting your advice- it's just not as easy as saying "this is what we're going to do" with her.
Thank you so much for the replies. My mom is 63, and certainly part of my issue is the realization I could be looking at 20 more years of care taking. It was easier when I was younger to say I'll have my chance later, but the older I get, the harder that becomes. I feel like my life got put on pause basically.
I've gotten some good advice, but I'm not sure how to convince my mother that things need to change. She'll routinely tell me she's sorry for being a 'burden' and that I can leave home- only to burst into tears over the very idea of it. I hear so often that I'm the reason she's alive.
And again, I love my mother...taking responsibility for her is something I very consciously chose to do. She's not a burden, and I don't feel like this was thrust upon me- when I was 15 or so I made that decision (I can actually remember the exact day, time, etc.) I'm just trying to find a balance to being responsible to MYSELF too.
As for my siblings...I've spoken to them too many times. There's no way to force them to help legally, right?
It would almost be easier if mom wasn't still as mentally together as she is. I feel TERRIBLE saying that, but she's aware enough to have that gratitude that ends up making me feel guilty. And she's aware enough to have that pride that makes her so resistant to any outside help. I try to get her into counseling for her moods- she refuses. She won't accept a nurse or house cleaner. She'd rather be dead than in assisted living. At the same time, her memory and mood are bad enough that it can be hard to have rational conversations about these issues.
Again, thank you to each of you for taking the time to reply. I don't want to sound like I'm rejecting your advice- it's just not as easy as saying "this is what we're going to do" with her.
It's not easy for sure. Have you taken her to see any assisted living places? They are nothing like the old-time nursing homes that they picture in their minds.
I took my Dad to one the other day - just to look around - and he was ready to sign on the dotted line! It was like a beautiful hotel . . and they talked it up - Happy hour - new pals - excursions . . etc. You can have as much assistance or as little as you need. Come and go as you please. Join in or don't join in . . . .
Heck, I would LOVE to be able to be someplace like that when I'm in my 70 or 80's.
This place did not offer a great deal of care so . . . if a person need a LOT of care assisted living may or may not be right for them.
Just maybe visit a few places on your own - find one or two that you like. Most offer to have you for lunch so you and your parent can see the other residents, etc. Doesn't mean you have to move in.
Some offer 'respite' care - for a week or 10 days. This would give you a break and your Mom a chance to see what it's like.
They are expensive though and that's a consideration for us.
There really are no good answers, believe me, I know. My father is 90 but still pretty 'with it' mentally; but is declining physically.
Hang in there and keep us posted. You are definitely not alone in caring for an elderly parent. I don't really think of 63 as being elderly though but health conditions could definitely make a person dependent.
Thank you so much for the replies. My mom is 63, and certainly part of my issue is the realization I could be looking at 20 more years of care taking. It was easier when I was younger to say I'll have my chance later, but the older I get, the harder that becomes. I feel like my life got put on pause basically.
I've gotten some good advice, but I'm not sure how to convince my mother that things need to change. She'll routinely tell me she's sorry for being a 'burden' and that I can leave home- only to burst into tears over the very idea of it. I hear so often that I'm the reason she's alive.
And again, I love my mother...taking responsibility for her is something I very consciously chose to do. She's not a burden, and I don't feel like this was thrust upon me- when I was 15 or so I made that decision (I can actually remember the exact day, time, etc.) I'm just trying to find a balance to being responsible to MYSELF too.
As for my siblings...I've spoken to them too many times. There's no way to force them to help legally, right?
It would almost be easier if mom wasn't still as mentally together as she is. I feel TERRIBLE saying that, but she's aware enough to have that gratitude that ends up making me feel guilty. And she's aware enough to have that pride that makes her so resistant to any outside help. I try to get her into counseling for her moods- she refuses. She won't accept a nurse or house cleaner. She'd rather be dead than in assisted living. At the same time, her memory and mood are bad enough that it can be hard to have rational conversations about these issues.
Again, thank you to each of you for taking the time to reply. I don't want to sound like I'm rejecting your advice- it's just not as easy as saying "this is what we're going to do" with her.
I would never want my kids to give up their lives being my nursemaid. A good parent wants his or her children to have their own lives - but remember to call and visit now and then.
Maybe your mother is somewhat manipulative? There are families where one child is "selected" to be the caretaker of the parents when they are old, and they can get old very early. Your mother may have selected you from early on and raised you differently than the others, they were raised to want their own lives and feel free to have them.
You have to decide for yourself what you want to do with your life, do you dedicate it to caring for your mother, or do you make your own life? Don't blame or look to your siblings, they were very likely never expected to grow up to be her caretakers, they're living their lives.
You have to decide if you want to do so too, put your foot down even if it's hard. There is assisted living that might work out for your mother's situation.
If you don't do something, you'll find yourself in another 20-30 years never having had a life of your own and you may regret it.
I think the idea of just checking in at some Assisted Living places is a good one. I really never have, and honestly the mental image I have probably isn't much better than my mother's imaginings. She often tells me she's lonely, so maybe I can find one with some activities she can join, even if she doesn't live there.
As far as my mother being manipulative- well, she is, but it isn't her 'fault'. She's been on high dose steroids for over two years, and steroids can affect mood and mental stability. So she'll go from enraged over something trivial to crying within five minutes. Actually, the way she acts now reminds me strongly of when I was twelve and she was struck on the head by a metal pole. She suffered some brain damage, and had the same kind of mood disorders for several years before making a partial recovery. So I end up having to kind of 'absorb' her rages and depression because I know she can't help it, so that's another big source of stress.
And thank you, Heidi60 for the book recommendation- I've already ordered it on two day shipping
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