Nursing homes (child, adult, parent, spouse)

[ParallelJJCat]

Originally Posted by psr13

I agree. My parents took care of me mainly 24/7 for eighteen years. How is it right to just say bye bye because I don't want to spend time with them when they're old? The same goes for my husband but replace parents with sisters. Yes, there are some situations where a facility is necessary, but the posts of "I want to live my life and be happy without having to care for my elderly parent." are just extraordinarily sad to me.

I don't think the majority of people are saying that. Again, if you aren't a care taker, you can't really understand the investment of time and energy that it takes. Especially when the person you're looking after has mental problems. Your own life basically gets put on hold and everything starts to revolve around the parent.

Spending time with someone is a completely different thing from taking care of them. And when you become another person's sole source of emotional support, it isn't healthy for either of you. You can keep someone company no matter where they are. My brothers don't keep my mother company even though they live close by...now that's sad. They've abandoned her, and I know many elderly parents in nursing homes experience the same thing. Visits just peter off after a time. My own parents are guilty of this. My mothers has siblings who are in group homes due to mental illness who she refuses to visit because "I've done enough over the years". My father rarely visited his mother when she was in a nursing home and sees his sister once a year (she is also in a group home).

Compare that to my former boss. Her mother was in a nursing home and she saw her every day and took her out for dinner or a movie at least three times a week. 'Keeping them company' comes down to the individual and I would agree a child who chooses not to (expect in the case of abuse) is being selfish. Taking care of them on a full-time basis though can burn anyone out.

[psr13]

Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat

I don't think the majority of people are saying that. Again, if you aren't a care taker, you can't really understand the investment of time and energy that it takes. Especially when the person you're looking after has mental problems. Your own life basically gets put on hold and everything starts to revolve around the parent.

Spending time with someone is a completely different thing from taking care of them. And when you become another person's sole source of emotional support, it isn't healthy for either of you. You can keep someone company no matter where they are. My brothers don't keep my mother company even though they live close by...now that's sad. They've abandoned her, and I know many elderly parents in nursing homes experience the same thing. Visits just peter off after a time. My own parents are guilty of this. My mothers has siblings who are in group homes due to mental illness who she refuses to visit because "I've done enough over the years". My father rarely visited his mother when she was in a nursing home and sees his sister once a year (she is also in a group home).

Compare that to my former boss. Her mother was in a nursing home and she saw her every day and took her out for dinner or a movie at least three times a week. 'Keeping them company' comes down to the individual and I would agree a child who chooses not to (expect in the case of abuse) is being selfish. Taking care of them on a full-time basis though can burn anyone out.

I've never been a caretaker, but many people in my family have been caretakers. They are all glad they did it and would do it again in a heartbeat.

[Trackwatch]

Originally Posted by rkb0305

Anyone should be able to see that there are many variables, and some people who are so sick physically or mentally that their family can't adequately care for them.

The statement was literal:
"Nursing homes are a way for us to throw out the stuff that is no longer useful to us" with NO qualifiers.

[Ringo1]

Originally Posted by psr13

I've never been a caretaker, but many people in my family have been caretakers. They are all glad they did it and would do it again in a heartbeat.

And maybe you will feel the same way. And maybe after 4 or 5 years of caretaking someone who is not going to get better ~ only worse~ will take it's toll on YOUR physical health depending on your age at the time.

Maybe you will have to choose between spending time with your children (depending on their age) and your elderly parent.

And maybe your elderly family member will have ALZ or require 24 hour care; they maybe dangerous to you and to themselves.

You have no idea of all that can go into it. Not if you have only watched from afar.

[Hopes]

This is such a touchy subject. Every family's situation is different. I've seen families do amazing things. My girlfriend, her siblings and cousins took turns caring for her mother. Her mother stayed in her own home, and they had a weekly schedule taking turns caring for her. They managed round the clock care with this schedule. Some of them worked, some of them were stay at home parents, some of them were single, some had no children. And yet every single one of them did their part until she died.

I recently found out that my SIL is carrying the burden of two other siblings all on her own. I told hubby that we need to contribute financially. And if it came to two of them not being able to live alone, we'll take one of them into our home. These people don't even like me, but I most certainly will do the right thing. There's no reason one sibling should be burdened with everything.

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by Ringo1

And maybe you will feel the same way. And maybe after 4 or 5 years of caretaking someone who is not going to get better ~ only worse~ will take it's toll on YOUR physical health depending on your age at the time.

Maybe you will have to choose between spending time with your children (depending on their age) and your elderly parent.

And maybe your elderly family member will have ALZ or require 24 hour care; they maybe dangerous to you and to themselves.

You have no idea of all that can go into it. Not if you have only watched from afar.

So true. My MIL went for over a year without seeing her daughter and her grand kids while she was caring for her parents. My parents' attitude is more like "I'll be darned if I'm going to miss out on the grandkids to take care of a woman who never did anything for us anyway." I can't blame them. This comes back to "you reap what you sow."

ETA this is not to say that my parents don't do anything for my grandma. They do a lot for her. They've spent a ton of time and energy taking care of her finances, making sure she got into a good home, and they visit about every other day.

[psr13]

Originally Posted by Ringo1

And maybe you will feel the same way. And maybe after 4 or 5 years of caretaking someone who is not going to get better ~ only worse~ will take it's toll on YOUR physical health depending on your age at the time.

Maybe you will have to choose between spending time with your children (depending on their age) and your elderly parent.

And maybe your elderly family member will have ALZ or require 24 hour care; they maybe dangerous to you and to themselves.

You have no idea of all that can go into it. Not if you have only watched from afar.

I never said we would never put them in a nursing home. Please read. I said that there are certainly situations that require them to be put somewhere. I just don't like it when people say, "I want to live my life and be happy. Forget about the people who raised me and forwent their lives for eighteen years."

[Magritte25]

Originally Posted by psr13

I never said we would never put them in a nursing home. Please read. I said that there are certainly situations that require them to be put somewhere. I just don't like it when people say, "I want to live my life and be happy. Forget about the people who raised me and forwent their lives for eighteen years."

Who said that?

[somebodynew]

Originally Posted by malamute

Isn't that what our parents did to us when they enrolled us in school?

It's also about the elderly making themselves fun to be around. They don't have the right to impose a crappy attitude onto their children or grandchildren just because they are relatives. Older people can be great to be around but it's the attitude they chose to have also.

I think that sometimes an elderly person reverts to child like state and ABILITY. Like a child, their ability to moderate their attitude is limited. Like a child, they need effective limit setting.

I read the posts about how difficult it is, and it makes me sad. Yes, it is difficult. VERY difficult to care for an elderly person. As difficult as it was for them to care for us when we were children. My grandmother was a HUGE pain in the keister. She was mean to my father. She was mean to us kids. She was SCARED. Her body and mind were failing her. She did not know where she was or what she was doing. She was unable to manager her diabetes. That would screw with my attitude as well.

She did not need to be kicked to the curb. She needed compassion. She needed love. She needed help with her food and her insulin shots. Sometimes she needed to be cleaned up when her bowls failed her.

Yes it is hard. But it is something that can help them retain their dignity through what we are ALL going to go through, hopefully.

[somebodynew]

Originally Posted by Linmora

I agree totally. I've watched a couple of friends take in an elderly parent and become a hostage in their own house. A friend took in her MIL who had been living independently but needed to be with someone after an operation. The MIL demanded that she be moved into the couple's master bedroom, displacing my friend and her husband to a small guest room. My friend had two young boys to take care of, work a job herself, and basically became an indentured servant to the MIL. The MIL treated her like the maid and quite badly. Sorry but there is no way in hell I would put up with this. My house, my rules and understand that you are a guest here.

Attitudes of the elderly can go a long way to making things a smoother situation for everyone involved.

Or the DIL could have simply set effective limits around the living situation. Geez. Your friend is a pushover.