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It goes both ways though. Just as some are saying "It's impossible." Others are saying "It's possible." Of course every stituation is different.
This.
People are saying Its So Hard. You don't understand. I agree that it is hard. In my opinion, the fact that it is difficult doesn't make a great reason not to do it.
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And dont' say that I haven't done it. My grandfather lived with us. As a teen, I helped care for him. I cooked for him, I cleaned for him, I fed him, I bathed him, I drove him to all of his appointments, and I've done the diaper changings too. And I was 15 when I started helping after his health declined. He died when I was 19. Guess who found him? ME! I finished cooking dinner, went into his room to get him and he was dead! So just quit assuming that if we're not sharing every single details of our lives that we haven't been there, haven't done it. I was much more immature than everyone here when I did it.
Insulin shots, meal prep, poop cleanup, bum wiping , bed xfers, bed sore drainage and cleaning, searching for the purse she hid and lost, searching for the mail she hid and lost. The list goes on and on and on.
People are saying Its So Hard. You don't understand. I agree that it is hard. In my opinion, the fact that it is difficult doesn't make a great reason not to do it.
Insulin shots, meal prep, poop cleanup, bum wiping , bed xfers, bed sore drainage and cleaning, searching for the purse she hid and lost, searching for the mail she hid and lost. The list goes on and on and on.
So is it the obligation of the child to put their lives on hold for the parent? To forgo job offers, be available 24/7, give up their money, have no time or energy to fill their own needs....in other words, is it the obligation of the child to become the parent?
I have accepted responsibility for my mother. It was a conscious, deliberate choice, which is not the same thing as an obligation.
To add....that is it a responsibility means I have the responsibility to do what is best for HER...not what makes me look good in the eyes of others or even at times what I would prefer or makes her happiest. Which as her health and mental abilities continues to decline may mean assisted care or a nursing home for her own safety. You can say I would be kicking her to the curb or taking the easy route all you want, but it wouldn't change that it was something I would only do if I thought it best fulfilled my responsibility to her. I also do have a responsibility to myself, which is something I have gone most of my life not realizing (I have been her caretaker since she was in an accident when I was 13.)
The point is, you've only done it for your situation. You can only judge youself, not others.
I don't have a particularly strong desire to judge anyone else. The topic that was queried was what are thoughts and opinions on nursing homes. So I am sharing mine. Someone else' conscience is their own concern.
I don't have a particularly strong desire to judge anyone else. The topic that was queried was what are thoughts and opinions on nursing homes. So I am sharing mine. Someone else' conscience is their own concern.
I love how you say you're not judging and then imply by your use of the word "conscience" that someone is acting immorally if they don't take care of their elderly parents in their own home. No, you're not judgmental at all.
While there may be some people who "dump" their parents or "kick them to the curb," most adult children consider every option when deciding how to care for their aging family members. Without knowing the level of care needed by the elderly person or the circumstances and responsibilities of the adult child, it is impossible to know the reasons behind the decisions individual children make about their parents.
I love how you say you're not judging and then imply by your use of the word "conscience" that someone is acting immorally if they don't take care of their elderly parents in their own home. No, you're not judgmental at all.
Give me a break. If someone doesn't agree with me, that makes ME judging THEM? I implied nothing of the kind. Guilty much?
And another thing for you weeping willies to keep in mind...the 27/7 CARE that Katiana talks about requires professional training. Who among us has been trained adequately in elder care, let alone Alzheimer's patient care? None of us. So just take your big hankies and glycerine tears elsewhere.
I cared for an Alzheimer's patient. My mother. You learn as you go. As they get worse, you get better. There are places to learn almost everything you need to know.
With the exception of early onset Alzheimer's, most of their children are at an age where they can hire someone to help. It is not that expensive. A couple hours of a health aide, a couple hours of a sitter, and the occasional visiting nurse. I paid for 36 hours a week at the worst of times.
Never listen to another persons opinion on how nice a nursing home or assisted living home is. You do not know how they live or what their idea of nice is. Have you ever heard a realtor describe a "nice" house you wouldn't want to visit, let alone live there?
There are times that a person may have to be placed. Just not as many as some people think. When people say not to judge, it lets too many off the hook. The people that know you can tell if you are doing the right thing.
Something IS really wrong! She is lonely. She is likely bored out of her mind. She may be losing her mental capacity.
Your poor grandmother.
... snip a bunch of insensitive, selfish nonsense.
Nope. No judging there.
I don't feel a bit guilty about anything. I was there for my dad when he was dying of cancer even though I worked full time and had a toddler.
I had power of attorney and assumed all the decision-making for an aunt and uncle who had no children of their own, again while working full time and taking care of a young child. They had 5 other nieces and nephews, none of whom helped me a bit.
I fixed dinner for my mom every night, ran errands for her, took her to the doctor and took care of all of her business for about 5 years until it became clear that she needed more care than I could give her while I continued to work. At that point I found the best Assisted Living placement I could for her, moved her in and managed all of her business until she needed an even greater level of care. Then I found a facility where she could receive the skilled nursing care she needs. I see her weekly and talk to her caregiver often.
I don't feel a bit of guilt over any of the decisions I've made. I also don't judge anyone else for the decisions they've made. I don't know what work and family responsibilities anyone else has, or what their own health problems may be, or whether their parents were wonderful or treated them like crap when they were kids. I just figure that most people are doing the best they can given their circumstances.
Give me a break. If someone doesn't agree with me, that makes ME judging THEM? I implied nothing of the kind. Guilty much?
I find you exceedingly judgmental and this tone comes across in almost every one of your posts.
I think that many on this thread are doing their best and trying to find the best solution for their particular situation. I don't think that anyone is pushing their parents out on the "proverbial" curb and have probably put a great deal of thought into the whole thing. To imply that people aren't doing the right thing for their parents is going to get you many negative reactions including my own. This is along the same vein of not being a good mother on some other threads. The judgment is strong in some people.
In our particular situation, at least my MIL seems to be happy in her new circle of friends. Having been socially isolated for many years, she is in her element with her bingo buddies, bridge club, etc. At least she is being tended to much better than how she was for years under her husband's care. My only regret is that they don't live in the same state as we do. Our family last year was on the brink of a major move and if this move possibly happens, we are going to do our best to move them in state with us. My conscience is clear, thank you very much.
There are times that a person may have to be placed. Just not as many as some people think. When people say not to judge, it lets too many off the hook. The people that know you can tell if you are doing the right thing.
Wow, just wow. What an incredibly arrogant, sanctimonious statement. So you have academic credentials in Gerontology to be able to make such bold, blanket statements about individuls needing care and their potential caregivers? People who you know absolutely nothing about? You have some mad skills........
It goes both ways though. Just as some are saying "It's impossible." Others are saying "It's possible." Of course every stituation is different. And dont' say that I haven't done it. My grandfather lived with us. As a teen, I helped care for him. I cooked for him, I cleaned for him, I fed him, I bathed him, I drove him to all of his appointments, and I've done the diaper changes too. And I was 15 when I started helping after his health declined. He died when I was 19. Guess who found him? ME! I finished cooking dinner, went into his room to get him and he was dead! So just quit assuming that if we're not sharing every single details of our lives that we haven't been there, haven't done it. I was much younger than everyone here when I did it. I'm not saying others have situations where they can or should do it. I'm just offended by the extreme of the people who say it's impossible. You'd think after what I did at such a young age, I'd be the one who was saying it wasn't possible. I don't regret or resent what I had to do one bit.
Did I mention you by name? I don't recall doing so.
Certainly, your help as a teen was admirable. But, ultimately, Grandfather was your parents' responsibility ~ not yours. Not your 24/7 responsibility. Frankly, I wouldn't want my teenager changing diapers for his grandparent; I wouldn't put that on him ~ but that's ME and how I feel. Everyone is different.
I don't say it's possible OR impossible. It depends on the family situation.
I certainly don't say it's impossible because I'm doing it.
What I don't do - are judge others who have determined that the best course of action is a skilled nursing facility. Sometimes it is.
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