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Old 12-09-2011, 08:39 PM
 
26,796 posts, read 19,686,365 times
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I lived with my parents for a while when my daughter was growing up. My grandmother lived there, too, after she sold her house because she didn't want to live alone anymore. I think it was beneficial for my daughter to live in a multi-generational home.

For the last two years of her life, my grandmother lived in a nursing home nearby. It was a good one that was always given high ratings, and run by the church denomination to which my parents and grandmother belonged.

My father was disabled since WWII and needed more help as he aged. When my grandmother went into the nursing home, she was 92, my father was 78 and my mother was 71. My mother just couldn't take care of both of them anymore without being in danger of keeling over herself.

There are always a lot of factors to consider.

My mother is now 83, widowed, and lives in the same house I grew up in. Two of my brothers (and one's girlfriend) live there with her. She is still self-sufficient, and I hope she can stay in her house as long as possible. If she does become incapacitated, at least I have five siblings to work things out with.
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Old 12-09-2011, 11:46 PM
 
2,744 posts, read 1,843,892 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eastwesteastagain View Post
Well said! I'm sure some minority of children do "dump" their parents, but I suspect most agonize over the decision to consider a nursing home. The reality of the situation and what a child wants to be able to do are two different things, IMO.

I haven't been in this position, yet, but my parents cared for 3 of my grandparents in our home at the end of their lives. My great-grandmother's medical issues became so severe that they were unable to provide the level of care she needed and she lived in a nearby nursing home for a few months before she passed. It was a very difficult time for everyone involved and they agonized over these choices.
Yes. My mother is getting to the point where she struggles to remember what she is doing from one moment to the next. I can't be there all the time to make sure she takes the right pills on the right day. Even when I lay them out in a pill calender for her, she gets confused and agonizes for hours over it. There's also a limit to how many times I can take off work/leave early to drive her to doctor's appointments...which she often makes without consulting me, then forgets to tell me until the night before. Several times this week she has left the burner on the stove turned on.

She's also very isolated here. She's depressed and doesn't feel well enough to go out, but she has much more of a social personality than I do. It is EXHAUSTING for me to fill her social and emotional needs and the reality is that I am inadequate for the task. I honestly think she would do better in an environment where she could talk with people and make new friends.

She isn't ready to be in a home yet, though, and I'm doing the best I can. But to suggest that if she did go into assisted living that it would be out of lack of love or disrespect is just...well, cruel. It's a very difficult, hard thing to face and the last thing you need is someone outside the situation judging you.
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Old 12-09-2011, 11:54 PM
 
2,744 posts, read 1,843,892 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
My mother is now 83, widowed, and lives in the same house I grew up in. Two of my brothers (and one's girlfriend) live there with her. She is still self-sufficient, and I hope she can stay in her house as long as possible. If she does become incapacitated, at least I have five siblings to work things out with.
I have 5 siblings too. Yet somehow I'm the only one who does basically EVERYTHING for my mother. My one brother sends money and has taken her to the Mayo clinic. My other siblings who live in the local area? Literally five minutes down the road? They don't even come to see her when she's in the hospital. They never offer to shovel snow or just come sit with her.

In fact, one of my brothers straight up told me last week that "it's a good thing you're there so we don't have to be."

It took every ounce of will power I had not to punch him in the face.
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Old 12-10-2011, 12:10 AM
 
18,870 posts, read 14,242,342 times
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The number one reason older adults are placed in LTC, is Enuresis. Yes, peeing in pants. It seems like children have issues with changing parents diapers. Other reasons are safety, they can't adaquately take care of a person who has Alziemers and wanders, and parents who have gross motor issues, and are incapcitated.

Never put down anyone who made the decison to place a parent in LTC, it takes a team to take care of an invalid. It is more than a full time job. And if you don't have help, support, or the strength to do it, no one should be judged. It is a heart breaking situation.
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Old 12-10-2011, 01:14 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,445 posts, read 2,274,952 times
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My husband and would do anything he possibly could to keep our elderly relatives out of nursing homes. This is particularly true for my husband, as he comes from a culture where the family takes care of the older relatives.

My family also has not put relatives in nursing homes, even though my family normally lives to be older than ninety. We just do whatever we can to take care of our own.

If a situation came up where somewhere else were necessary, of course we would do that. It would be a last option, though. This would be if we absolutely could not care for the person.
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Old 12-10-2011, 03:04 AM
 
738 posts, read 448,922 times
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Originally Posted by OhioChic View Post
like? She doesnt want to GO anywhere. And we sit and talk with her but we have LIVES. No one can sit and talk with her all day every day. We all work and I have a 3 month old at home.

Im sorry if you disagree but she needs to be in a home with people her own age and they can have fun together. The only reason she doesnt want to is because she knows she wont be able to overtake her pills anymore and she wont have her cats and dog.

But my mom is POA so nothing I say matters anyway. My mom feels like she has to put her life on hold for my grandma and I know its not nice but when my grandma passes what then? My mom will have since lost her bf medicaid will take the house so she will be homeless without a SO. Its not fair. IMO.
I see that everyone wanted to live with grandma, but now that she needs help, you have lives.

When caring for a parent there is no time for a boyfriend, so that is not a factor.

Medicaid should take the house. Should eveyone else have to pay your way?

You mentioned that you have a 3 month old. What is your husband doing to help out?
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Old 12-10-2011, 05:22 AM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,179 posts, read 5,401,798 times
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My father had diabetes and became crippled through a massive stroke. My mother (a real piece of work) loathed him and wanted him to die. We lived 150 miles away - yet when mother would call and say, "Your dad's gone into insulin shock" - I had to call the ambulance in their town (fortunately at the time I was a 911 dispatcher and EMT and had access) because she would not. Eventually I convinced Dad to move them into an assisted-living facility (not a nursing home; they had their own little 2 BR apartment, but on call-nursing buttons) where mother could still socialize, go out at night, etc, and Dad could get the care he needed.

When Dad finally passed from another massive stroke, mother 'went fool'. She spent all of his savings in 6 months, and had nothing to show for it. She was evicted from the facility for not paying her bills. She fell down and broke her hip, and we moved her in with us, converting our garage into an apartment for her. That was three of the worst years of our family's lives - mother was a closet alcoholic, and would alternately berate and insult our children or howl and beg for attention. She told her doctor that we were trying to poison her, that we pushed her downstairs (there were no stairs at our house!) - fortunately her doctor was a friend of mine with whom I had worked for years and knew better. At one time when drunk, she shoved both hands down my husband's pants and told him, "You know, I'd be much better for you than my daughter". She physically attacked the DMV worker who refused her a driver's license because she had cateracts so bad that she couldn't pass the sight test; I took her to my optometrist and got her eyes taken care of - and she was furious. Finally she 'met a man' and 'married' him (not officially, it was a fake ceremony so she 'wouldn't lose her SS') and moved out. When he died she moved back into that assisted living facility, but she spent so much money on psychics and people she met thru ads that "can get you all the government money you deserve!" that she again was evicted. This time she told my alcoholic brother and his 4th wife that my DH and I were trying to rob her (I had applied for guardianship and power of attorney when she hysterically and violently accused the bank tellers of 'stealing her money') and he took her in... within 6 months she was dead. 6 months later, the Lexus people called - Mother had bought a new car to go to my brother's and had never made a payment, but had put me down as a reference. I gave them my brother's address and phone number.

Not everyone has/had a happy home life and fond memories of Mom or Grandma. Not every parent is kind, decent, loving, or matures gently into their senior years. And not every parent will admit that they cannot take care of themselves. If I could have found a nursing home to take her, or could have figured out a way to get her into one, you bet I would have. Even the most loving and responsible family cannot give someone a "forever home" who doesn't want it, or who only wants to take advantage of those who offer it.
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Old 12-10-2011, 06:32 AM
 
Location: Philadelphia, PA
3,388 posts, read 1,663,665 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat View Post
Yes. My mother is getting to the point where she struggles to remember what she is doing from one moment to the next. I can't be there all the time to make sure she takes the right pills on the right day. Even when I lay them out in a pill calender for her, she gets confused and agonizes for hours over it. There's also a limit to how many times I can take off work/leave early to drive her to doctor's appointments...which she often makes without consulting me, then forgets to tell me until the night before. Several times this week she has left the burner on the stove turned on.

She's also very isolated here. She's depressed and doesn't feel well enough to go out, but she has much more of a social personality than I do. It is EXHAUSTING for me to fill her social and emotional needs and the reality is that I am inadequate for the task. I honestly think she would do better in an environment where she could talk with people and make new friends.

She isn't ready to be in a home yet, though, and I'm doing the best I can. But to suggest that if she did go into assisted living that it would be out of lack of love or disrespect is just...well, cruel. It's a very difficult, hard thing to face and the last thing you need is someone outside the situation judging you.

Ah, JJCat, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like a really tough situation. Thanks for sharing - you really highlighted how stressful and exhausting being the primary caregiver for parents can be. I agree, there is no good reason for someone who knows nothing about the situation to judge. Reality is a lot more complicated than a hypothetical question is. Hugs to you!
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Old 12-10-2011, 07:16 AM
 
18,870 posts, read 14,242,342 times
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Elderly people don't want change, and many lack the ability to actually make a decision to go to assisted living. JJ it is time to help your Mom make some changes. You can't keep this up, it will pound you into the ground.
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Old 12-10-2011, 08:17 AM
 
2,744 posts, read 1,843,892 times
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Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Elderly people don't want change, and many lack the ability to actually make a decision to go to assisted living. JJ it is time to help your Mom make some changes. You can't keep this up, it will pound you into the ground.
I know, and I am working on it. She has a round of 3 doctor's appts this week to try and figure out why she has gotten noticeably worse these past few weeks.

The issue with her is that she has good days and bad. While she knows she has memory problems, she won't admit that things are more likely to get worse instead of better. She gets very defensive and manipulative, so you really can't have any kind of rational conversation about it.

I had her sign a 'contract' promising that she would see a therapist as soon as I find one (otherwise she would try and back out). I'm hoping that will take some of the pressure off me.
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