Nursing homes (spouse, facility, family, mother) - Caretakers, elderly care, nursing homes - Page 4 - City-Data Forum

malamute · 12-10-2011, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TiltheEndofTime

Would you ever put your parents in a Nursing home?

I have talked to many immigrant students, and they are shocked at the lack of respect and sense of responsibility some Americans have. I have volunteered at a nursing home, and even though it was a decent place, I would much rather have my mom in the comfort of her own home with her own family.

A lot of immigrants have family members on welfare handouts and so have the luxury of caring for someone 24-7, or they hire illegal live-in care-takers, but many Americans have to work outside the home, and cannot provide the day and night care it requires.

Also elder abuse and neglect is far too common, often these elderly are stuck away in some back room, they are not turned often enough to prevent bedsores, and also it's too common for them to wander off and even die because no one was watching them like they should have been.

Putting someone in a nursing home is a painful and costly decision, people do it because they feel it's the best thing for a loved one who requires much care, I'm lucky because my family has never had to make such a decision.

jasper12 · 12-10-2011, 08:29 AM

I have worked at lots of nursing homes, and assisted living homes, and they are very nice, with caring staff. Yes, we all hear "horror" stories. But no one hears about the ten million nice stories. In a ten year career, I have only seen two places that were awful. And I have been to dozens of nice ones. One place I loved, it was smaller, with a big porch around it with rocking chairs. They had rescue dogs there, and a cat room. It was bright and sunny. The residents were well taken care of.

malamute · 12-10-2011, 08:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OhioChic

nope. we tried to have her go to a center for elderly people 3 times a week and they would do fun games and put on plays together and all this stuff to keep her occupied and she said the weather is too cold or too hot to go out side to travel.

What else is there for us to do? We bought her an IPAD she has a flat screen and a Ps3 and she uses none of it.

How do you entertain an 86 yo? I you have ANY ideas they are all welcome because we are at our wits end.

Well my aunt is about that age, she lives on her own, her kids check in on her but since she moved to a different town, they can't check on her as often as they like.

Mentally she's as good as she ever was, sharp as a tack and she's very entertaining to be around. She's very witty, can discuss any topic. Physically she has some limitations but she refuses to move in with anyone even when her children insist. She loves her independence so they'll allow her that as long as possible. She volunteers at a nursing home herself and assists with arts and crafts with the patients.

The elderly can also be quite manipulative, there are some people who had children with the intention they would have free caregivers at some point.

I cannot imagine raising my kids with the idea that they must give up their own lives, give up marriage and kids and a job to be my 24-7 nurse-maid. If I were ever to need that, I would prefer a nursing home to the idea that one of my children had to give up having any kind of life.

And what becomes of the 24-7 caretakers after they've given up marriage, having their own family and/or careers? Will they expect a niece or nephew to give up their life and be available day and night for them? Very often in the families that have this expectation, it's a never-married child who is expected to provide this care, and it's as though the parents selected that one but what happens to that individual when his or her time comes?

Osito · 12-10-2011, 08:40 AM

No. The reasons would have to make me extremely desperate, such as I didn't have the time/money to take care of my mother myself, which I hope won't happen. Our family has already been through the nursing home round when my grandfather was in one briefly when he was sick with cancer and the thought of going through it again makes me sick to my stomach. My mother had to fight other family members to get him back out. Only when she was going to take him to her house and keep him there did the other family members finally relent and they worked another option out. Awful days...

Katiana · 12-10-2011, 08:44 AM

Both of my parents were in nursing homes for a short period of time before their deaths.

My mom was disabled from a head injury due to a car accident and my dad took care of her. When he got sick for the last time, he had to go to a nursing home after the hospital b/c Mom couldn't take care of him at home. They lived in Pennsyvania and would NOT leave. I lived in CO and was raising a family. My bro was living in FL and working.

After dad died, mom lived alone for a while, but wasn't doing it too well. It is far easier to get care for someone who is physically somewhat handicapped, but mentally OK. Mom was paranoid, wouldn't let others help her, etc. Finally we brought her out here to CO. Assisted living didn't work for her, and she went into a nursing home after a hospitalization. They were very nice to her and it was the best placement yet. It wouldn't have worked for her to live with us (we tried); she had too many needs.

Zimbochick · 12-10-2011, 08:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by malamute

A lot of immigrants have family members on welfare handouts and so have the luxury of caring for someone 24-7, or they hire illegal live-in care-takers, but many Americans have to work outside the home, and cannot provide the day and night care it requires.

jasper12 · 12-10-2011, 08:56 AM

When my Grandma was ill, I helped care for her, but also had four kids, I had taken care of her pretty much full time for years. When she had dementia, full blown, and needed full time care, I could not do it, and recommended placement for her. My Mom refused to listen. She had never taken care of an elderly person, and had no clue of the amount of work. It is quadruple the amount of work a baby takes. So, I let my Mom take her.

My Mom ended up losing her job. Went flat broke. And in the end. My Grandmother still went to a full care nursing home for a year.

ParallelJJCat · 12-10-2011, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by malamute

And what becomes of the 24-7 caretakers after they've given up marriage, having their own family and/or careers? Will they expect a niece or nephew to give up their life and be available day and night for them? Very often in the families that have this expectation, it's a never-married child who is expected to provide this care, and it's as though the parents selected that one but what happens to that individual when his or her time comes?

I absolutely ended up in my position because I'm not married and have no interest in it. I'm also the youngest, and youngest children often fall into the care taker role. My mother will say how guilty she feels...and in the same breath say she would die without me.

I gave up what could have been a dream job because it would have meant moving. This past week my boss offered me a move into another department and a raise, and my mother's first question was "how does it affect me?"

My parents didn't have me to fill this role, but I did basically get elected for it by them and my siblings. And somehow you don't even realize what's happening or what it really means until it's too late. You want so badly to take care of your parents (especially a person like my mother, who really was a great mother)...but it does mean basically giving up everything else

jasper12 · 12-10-2011, 09:11 AM

What is interesting, is that when a parent is in a nursing home, you are still just as busy. You go there several times a week, it is not like you just give up and move on. My kids spent so much time at Grandma's care center, they knew everyone by name, would go straight to the toy area, my son would go on his "routine" of checking all the bird cages, and aquariums. I even arranged for one resident to give my kids piano lessons on the piano there...I must admit, my kids were spoiled rotten, they usually "performed" for a group of adopted Grandma's and Grandpa's who applauded "chopsticks".

jghorton · 12-10-2011, 09:21 AM

In my experience, most people and families who have never personally been around modern, well-managed Assisted Living Facilities (ALF) and Nursing Homes, ...often have stereotypes in their mind ... that are far from reality. Because of this, feelings of 'guilt' often keep them from even considering or investigating such living arrangements.

Most ALF's and Nursing Homes have changed considerably over the past 10-20 years. Even many Alzheimer units, which, by necessity, are more confining, have joined the trend toward comfortable, bright, homelike facilities. These places often allow the elderly and infirm to maintain a greater degree of freedom and independence... and also avoid the feeling that they are a constant burden on their families.

This is not about 'throwing your loved ones out on the street', but, about providing 24/7 care and supervision in comfortable, bright, friendly facilities, ... which, in the long run, are far better socially, healthwise and familywise (in terms or relieving caregiver stress and the extreme disruption) than extended home healthcare. I would personally have no problem with living in any number of these facilities.