Nursing homes (child, adult, parent, father)

[Hopes]

I've got an interesting story to share.

A family (of one of my children's friends) took in the father's father. He lived there for 5 years, staying in his bedroom and only coming out for meals. The wife's parents sued them on behalf of the father's father for abuse of the elderly. They won the lawsuit. Think about how telling it is that one set of parents sued on behalf of another parent.

Apparently the abuse was that they were taking all of the father's monthly income. All of his pension payments, all of his social security payments, etc. He didn't get one penny to do with what he pleased. The court ordered that he be allowed to live in one of these senior communties, the type with townhouses, not nurses, etc. After expenses, he has over a thousand dollars per month to do with as he pleases. He's thriving there and he loves it.

The moral of this story is when we hear about people complaining about the elderly living in their home, maybe it's not the elderly that's the problem. If the caregiver is taking all of their income, than the elderly parent should feel entitled to be an equal in the household. Maybe that's why the MIL in one story here demanded the master bedroom. Maybe she is contributing more money to the household than the people who own the house. You just never know the financial arrangements that are negotiated when an elderly parent moves into a child's household. Some might not be fair. Some might be.

[Ringo1]

Originally Posted by malamute

And notice that those immigrant students are over here, spending their time studying, they are NOT the caretakers of their elderly. They can boast all they want about how great they are, but then why aren't they home doing 24-7 caretaking themselves?

Only the actual caretaker gets bragging rights, and the actual caretaker is usually the last one to judge others because he or she is the one who knows how difficult it can be, how hard it can be to watch the others have their lives, their families and family trips, their careers.

And it is true that that caretaker too gets judged by these high-and-mighty who aren't themselves doing the caretaking. If the loved one isn't bathed because he or she refused to get in the tub and was combative, the others will quickly acuse the caretaker of neglect and even abuse. The dementia patient can forget they ate and tell the others that the caretaker isn't providing them food and the caretaker is accused of failing to provide meals.

Usually I find it's everyone BUT an actual caretaker that is bragging about how well they would take care of their parents (if they had to . . .) blah blah blah.

I'm an only child so only my extended family feels free to point out all my shortcomings.

We moved to another state and brought my 90 y/o father with us. Yes, we gave him the master bedroom because he can't do stairs. So I AM living in a kids room.

Living in a multi-generational household is HARD. Frankly, my plate was full with a teen-age son and full-time job. I had greatly underestimated how much of my time would go toward caretaking my father. Living under the same roof has taken it's toll on the relationship of my son and his grandfather.

Finally, we got a 'helper' who comes almost daily - and she takes my Dad out for a big lunch (he still loves to eat out); she takes him to his doctors appointments while I'm at work; to get a haircut, etc.

Without her, we could not do it. We actually found a lovely AL facility within walking distance that my Father liked. It is not a nursing home; any 'assistance' is pretty sparse. Ultimately, he was too afraid to give it a try; he refuses to go to the Senior center ~ so his life consists of his helper; my son and myself. It sure is hard to fill all of his empty hours.

I've pretty much quit trying. If I have time, we all go out to dinner on the week-ends and I cook dinner 2-3 times a week. I do what I can do.

Truly, I think he would be happer and healthier in the lovely AL with 3 meals a day in a lovely dining room; lunches out at least once a week; dinners out the same; happy hour . . people his own age and visits with us during the week and on the week-end. But he is 'not ready'. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink! I've given up trying to meet all of his social needs; his loneliness used to make me so sad but HE would have to make a little effort to be around people his own age.

I can help my father but I cannot live his life; cannot grow old for him; and cannot live my own life as a 90 year old.

Loving your parents does not necessarily mean moving them in ~ at least in my mind.

[ParallelJJCat]

Originally Posted by Hopes

That's sad. In my eyes, we become both---daughter/son & caretaker. Not just caretakers. I guess the difference is those who have formed healthy adult child relationships with their parents compared to those who never stood up and demanded to be treated like adults. People who never transformed their relationships into adult realtionships with their parents will most likely have these problems when their parents are older.

I don't really mean 'just' in that sense. Obviously, I am still her daughter and I have a much deeper relationship with her than a hired caretaker ever could. But the reason I live with her IS because I am her caretaker...I don't stay here because I'm her daughter. So yes, I'm both, but the caretaking part of it is the part that radically changes my day to day life. So in that respect, if there is a conflict that really only exists because of the care taker side of it (because that's the part that means I have to live with her), the parent shouldn't win just because 'they said so'

But it can be very hard to have a rational conversation with a person in an altered mental state. It isn't as simple as sitting down and saying 'here are my needs...how can we can make this work for both of us?" My mom will go through the most amazing emotional gymnastics to get her way...or will just start screaming things that are only vaguely related to the topic at hand. Some of it is just her being manipulative, but some of it is emotional instability caused by her illness. There's no way to say how much of it is one thing or how much is the other. At some point, you get exhausted and just let things be because it keeps HER more stable, even if means being unhappy or feeling that you're neglecting yourself.

And I'm not saying that's the right way to handle it, but it is what happens.

[Zenstyle]

So much family drama/trauma in this thread regarding moving the old folks into the adult kids' homes.
All the more reason to book a retirement village/extended care facility! That's why these resources exist; so people can get on with their lives, and not drop everything to become indentured servants.

[aidxen]

No.

Nursing homes are a way for us to throw out the stuff that is no longer useful to us.

[Ringo1]

Originally Posted by aidxen

No.

Nursing homes are a way for us to throw out the stuff that is no longer useful to us.

That's quite a broad, sweeping generalization.

Care to share with us your caregiving experiences?

[malamute]

Originally Posted by Hopes

That's a different scenario compared to OhioChic. OhioChic's mother moved into her grandmother's house. Now they want the grandmother to move into an old folks home simply because she's lonely and needs companionship. OhioChic's mother is basically freeloading off of the grandmother and OhioChic is upset that medicaid will get the house after the grandmother dies----as if her mother has a right to the house.

My parents took in my father's mother for a month. She would have been there longer but she had a stroke while living at our house. A few years later, they built an addition for my mother's father. He lived with us for almost 10 years before he died. Neither grandparent was a problem. Neither caused any stress. Looking back as a child, I'm glad I had an opportunity to live with my grandparents. Hearing people's negativity towards it here makes me proud of my parents and what they did for their parents.

This is exactly why you shouldn't judge. Your parents were caretakers of an invalid for one month. Then they provided lodging to your grandfather but like you said, he wasn't a problem.

That's entirely different than having to make sure someone with dementia doesn't fall, wander off and make sure you're watching them 24 hours every day. That isn't about bathing someone who may weigh more than you do, change adult diapers, spoon feed them their meals. Making sure they don't spit out their meds, making sure the meds are given on time, and rushing them to the doctor as needed.

Of course letting someone use an extra room isn't stressful, but caring for a real invalid is very stressful.

My uncle is in a nursing home, he is a problem. He's got severe Alzheimers and for a while his kids could take him out for a lot of family time, but even then he had a tendency to try to wander off so someone had to watch him at all times. As he worsened, it became difficult for them to take him out. He regressed to some point where he wants to hold babies and if he spotted a baby, he would make a dash to try to hold it which of course frightens the parents. Now he's become very combative and the nursing home is telling the family they can't handle him any longer.

If he wasn't any problem like your grandfather and simply needed a spare room, of course any of his kids would give him that, but he requires some level of care now that even the nursing home cannot provide him.

Also he doesn't recognize family members any more, he's going to combat anyone who tries to bathe him, it doesn't matter if it's nursing home staff or his 105 pound daughter.

[Trackwatch]

Originally Posted by aidxen

No.

Nursing homes are a way for us to throw out the stuff that is no longer useful to us.

Another person that knows not of what they speak.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by Hopes

That's a different scenario compared to OhioChic. OhioChic's mother moved into her grandmother's house. Now they want the grandmother to move into an old folks home simply because she's lonely and needs companionship. OhioChic's mother is basically freeloading off of the grandmother and OhioChic is upset that medicaid will get the house after the grandmother dies----as if her mother has a right to the house.

I took it a little differently. I sort of got the impression that OhioChic's grandmother is at least somewhat mentally ill. Her mother moved in to care for her, which means she gave up whatever place she was living in, probably gave up working for a living also in order to care for the grandmother who is not a sweet and pleasant lady.

I thought OhioChic was just showing concern for her own mother, a mother who has given up her own life, her children's lives, and may even give up a relationship she has right now for the mother and in the end will end up herself alone, no home, no boyfriend.

The grandmother sounds extremely manipulative and I think it's just her granddaughter resenting what is being done to her mother.

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by malamute

This is exactly why you shouldn't judge. Your parents were caretakers of an invalid for one month. Then they provided lodging to your grandfather but like you said, he wasn't a problem.

That's entirely different than having to make sure someone with dementia doesn't fall, wander off and make sure you're watching them 24 hours every day. That isn't about bathing someone who may weigh more than you do, change adult diapers, spoon feed them their meals. Making sure they don't spit out their meds, making sure the meds are given on time, and rushing them to the doctor as needed.

Of course letting someone use an extra room isn't stressful, but caring for a real invalid is very stressful.

Calm your horses! My response was to your comment that we're judging OhioChic harshly. OhioChic's grandmother only needs companionship. She doesn't have dementia. Furthermore, OhioChic's mother is living in the grandmother's home! Some other posts here aren't talking about severely disabled adults, just the hassle of having to entertain an elderly person who no longer has a social life.

And my grandmother (father's side) wasn't an invalid for the month she lived with us. She was living with us because our grandfather, her husband, was at a rehabilitation facility nearby. After she recovered from the stroke and he was rehabilitated, they both moved into their own apartment near my aunt.

My grandfather (mother's side) was moved into living with us because he wasn't thriving in an independent senior apartment complex. Everyone says that the elderly would be better off living among people their own age, but that's not true for everyone. My mother got calls from other elderly residents of the apartment building informing her that our grandfather wasn't taking care of himself, wasn't bathing, wasn't making meals for himself. It wasn't because he wasn't capable. He was depressed because his wife died and he didn't like where he was living. After he moved in with us, he wasn't depressed anymore.