Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
IMO, family that turns it's back on family, isn't family.
If my kids are ok with it, I'd love to be an active part of their family instead of tucked away waiting to die somewhere in a corner. And, besides, the cost savings from sharing a house will mean they inherit more when I die.
I would love for my parents to live with me after retirement, as I was fortunate enough to experience a grandparent living with us as a child. This allowed the grandparent to interact with the children while the parents were working, and it was a nice experience for my parents to return to home-cooked dinners and a clean house.
Obviously, there were some problems, but as we were raised in a nuclear family, we learned to deal with these problems and embrace the numerous emotional and other benefits.
However, all of that said, my family is of a more traditional culture and has different values. We would rather hire a live-in caregiver for the parents than subject them to a nursing home. If they wish to live in a home until they die, then that is their decision, and while a bit saddening, not unexpected. However, why would you choose to live in a nursing home instead of with your child, barring a seriously dysfunctional relationship?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
IMO, family that turns it's back on family, isn't family.
If my kids are ok with it, I'd love to be an active part of their family instead of tucked away waiting to die somewhere in a corner. And, besides, the cost savings from sharing a house will mean they inherit more when I die.
Basically, I agree with this. I love, love, love my family, and I want them to be an active, ongoing part of my family. Who doesn't want to watch their grandchildren grow up, preferably as closely as they can?!
Some of us have endured toxic family members and so will be reluctant to visit ourselves upon our children. (I keep writing more then erasing it.)
I'll just write this: my children are the Best. My siblings are the Best. Way too many of the others are far more than "difficult." Lessons learned early in life were from the "difficult," and lessons learned earliest in life are the strongest. I fear being anything like those who taught me early, thus burdenning my children.
I would LOVE to live with my children or one of my children toward the end of my life. However, having done this twice with my father and mother-in-law, I cannot imagine that at some point I might not become difficult. Older people have their way and really can't rocket ahead - the mind is not as malleable in the end, but the desire for independence remains. And the world moves on.
My father is 80. He has his own ways - not to say they are wrong, they simply slow down everyday life in an age where sometimes we can't afford to slow down. Ex: The Bank Statement. This is just a constant sore point for me. He really does not understand balancing a checkbook (and has never had to...oh, to have such problems...). He wants to list every levelized bill, insurance payment, quarterly bills, etc. until the end of the year and then check them off as they come in, show them outstanding, whatever the case may be. Checkbook balancing is not rocket science until you are dealing with 200 or so "outstanding" checks that have never even been billed. I could do it, do it easily and quickly, in about 10 minutes, but that won't work. Bear in mind he has NEVER done his checkbook this way before, it's just an idea that has come to him and by God we're gonna do it that way. This necessitates at least 60-90 minutes of sorting out what has actually come in, the things he forgot to list, the checks he forgot to write down, the auto drafts. Don't even get me started on the credit card bill. If every single ticket isn't present, we have to all drop what we are doing and locate it in case someone is trying to bilk him out of $16 at the grocery store, which he visits daily. Am I on his checking account and bills? Yes. Can I touch anything? No. Not unless he is at death's door, and he can't even SEE death's door from here.
I do not want to be that person. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to relinquish my money either. I can see that - but hello, there's gotta be some trust. And I do trust my children, but much like driving, there are certain things that are just sticking points. The problem is making him understand that I have a life, too - no, not really. I will inherit, therefore I am "earning" my inheritance. I've told him to keep his money (which is substantial)....I do not care one whit about money. But it is what his life revolves around. Our standing joke is there are three topics of conversation: money, Jesus, and bowel movements :-)
He was a very successful businessman in the day, with a commanding presence, and is used to having "underlings" who do it his way. Which is now supposed to be my way. He has a schedule for everything, but my life doesn't run on schedule. It's his way of maintaining control - on my end it is exhausting to try to keep up - suggesting another way is just an effort in futility.
Again, I do NOT want to be that person - however, as senility creeps in, we are sometimes not in full control of whom we "want" to be, or whom we ever were. I simply don't want my children to feel as totally frustrated by a day with mom as I do by a day with dad. Some days it takes everything I've got, and I'm praying for bedtime before I blow an aneurysm. Even negotiated schedules/deals are soon forgotten and we revert back. If I show him a printed, signed document that says we agreed to X, that isn't his signature.
I don't blame him for the senility, I don't. It's not what he wanted and would have never put his name in the hat for. But it is what it is....and after watching and caring for two senior adults who followed exactly the same path, I don't want to be the person who is also walking on that trail but is unable to realize they took a left when they wanted to go right.
I would never live with my children. I'd rather drive daggers through my eyes. The way things look now, I don't see it being possible. Three of them have no room for me. The other lives out of state and is never home during the summer.
We moved my dad into a retirement. Dad figured he would enjoy being people his own age. Living with us would have meant sitting at home all day.
I would Love to see my kids everyday.....BUT, I would feel that I should help with the dishes, the laundry, the housekeeping, ETC. I am tired of that. I couldn't just sit and do nothing to help.
And I know my husband would just about kill himself trying to help with the yard work.
So, if we can swing the cost, it will be assisted living for as long as the money holds out. Let's hope we don't last longer than it does. I think I would be one of those that would kill myself rather than move in with one of the children.
I would never live with my children. I'd rather drive daggers through my eyes. The way things look now, I don't see it being possible. Three of them have no room for me. The other lives out of state and is never home during the summer.
We moved my dad into a retirement. Dad figured he would enjoy being people his own age. Living with us would have meant sitting at home all day.
Thank you so much! This is exactly why going into a retirement/elder care home or facility can be the best choice for some. I was single, living in an apartment, and working full time when my Mother needed full time care. There were no other family members to help, and I couldn't quit my job. Even if I could have moved her into my apartment, and hired a full time caregiver, she would have been so lonely it would have been terrible. In the nursing home she had 24/7 medical care, activities and she was around people her age all of the time. I visited her every night, and got to take her out on weekends until she was bedridden, the last few months of her life. She loved to be around people and to have so many people taking care of her. I couldn't have given her that, no matter how hard I tried.
Some very important things to consider. It's one thing to imagine what we want when we are "older." It's another thing entirely to imagine what we want AND need when we are not just elderly but demented or bed-ridden or dealing with some terrible illness. It's hard enough for us to think about and next to impossible for your children to picture what they are getting themselves into. And as horrible as it is to contemplate, with medicine being what it is today most of us will be facing those issues.
Everybody imagines an old-but-functioning grand dandling an adorable grandchild on their knee, dispensing wisdom, and helping out with light housekeeping until they drop over from a fatal heart attack. In fact, when we are old enough to need living assistance, most of these grandchildren will be in their twenties or thirties and our children will be retiring and maybe dealing with illnesses of their own.
My brother works in elder-care professionally and he says the biggest mistake people make is waiting to make their "when I need assistance" plans until they actually NEED the assistance. He says everyone in middle age should address what would be best for them AND their families. If you have any hint you would be a burden to your children, you will be.
Many of us who are here as caregivers might not be in the position we are in if complete plans had been made long before anyone is in a crisis. And plans for EVERYTHING. Plans for when I need a little help, when I need a lot of help, when I have a major medical problem (stoke, dementia, cancer, etc.), when I don't even know what is going on.
How am I going to decide when I am going to stop driving? This is important. PLEASE don't put your kids in the position of forcing you to give up your car. You say now that you'll be willing when the time is right, but only a tiny portion of us actually know when that is.
My family's plans for Mom were made with a professional in the family and with everyone loving everyone else. Yet we still failed to predict the difficulties that could occur in agreeing to my mother's wish to live with one of her children instead of in a professional care environment. Circumstances change. I brought my mother to Tucson because my brother lives here and he could back me up in caring for her. Now his children are grown, they have moved away, and he wants to go where they are. I don't blame him, BUT...
I have an acquaintance whose parent wanted to live with him and as soon as that was in place, who else arrives at the door but his daughter who had just lost her job, her long-time unemployed husband with mental issues, and their toddlers. The whole miserable family is in a small house driving each other nuts and he and his wife can't retire because they need MONEY.
Even those of us who plan for the Hemlock Society might not be physically able to do the deed when we need to.
Today I was in a big box store waiting in line when I saw an ancient, bent-over man seated in a walker trying to keep up with what appeared to be his granddaughter who had a baby in a carrier and a toddler inside a shopping cart. The young woman was very patient and kind but she was dealing at the same time with three totally dependent people. The man tried to stand and walk but finally had to sit. She said, next time you stay at the house and just give me a list, okay? He looked so sad and pathetic just sitting in the middle of the store waiting for the shopping to get done. This man looked like he should have been in a SNF. I will never allow that to happen when and if I'm ancient. It's just too danged much for anyone to take care of. I will pay someone to help me before I'll live with my kids (who are, by the way, very kind).
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
