Where to go from here? (dementia, parent, money, relative)

[findly185]

Not a vet. Money is going to my father in his will once he dies, but he refuses to spend anything before then.

[yellowsnow]

Originally Posted by findly185

Not a vet. Money is going to my father in his will once he dies, but he refuses to spend anything before then.

Then he needs to be told to make other living arrangements.

It is outside the realm of reality to expect to live for free and have his needs all met by your family IF he has money to contribute. He also needs to be told he will be going to assisted living or elsewhere at least a couple times a year so your parents can have a break. And he will be paying for it!!!!

[sweetana3]

A lot of people string others along with the promise of a future "inheritance". It is unrealistic to plan on it when there are many things, such as medical bills, that can reduce it to nothing in a flash.

They should negotiate payment now and respite time.

[Briolat21]

Also, keep in mind that technically, if they charge him rent - they have to declare that as income and pay taxes on it.

However, if he contributes towards utilities (that he uses) and/or food (that he eats) - that is NOT income, and therefore non-taxable.


Yes, it is reasonable for him to cover his living expenses, and also to pay for some assistance so that the OP's parents are not killing themselves.

No - inheritances are never guaranteed. He may be being extremely frugal in hopes of leaving an inheritance, but in the end that may not come to pass.

OP - I'm sorry your home life is difficult and your parents are stressed, but keep in mind your parents must have had some reason why they took him in.

[tijlover]

I'm sure this situation would even be more problematic, the temptation of receving a sizeable inheritance, for any number of these not-quite-retired people today, jobless or financially insecure, tempted to take early retirment, and gamble (and what a gamble!!!) the money will be there intact once he dies. Not realizing any of us could be wiped out at the next intersection by a careless driver, and the ol' man officiates at your funeral!

I was promised two separted inheritances (not much, really) over the years (not from family members either), and they died and I never received one red cent!

Even if this man lives another 4 years, it could end up being the most laborious, time/energy-consuming 4 years you'll ever spend!

The dice is in your hands!

[Briolat21]

Actually...

in their PARENTS hands. The OP is the grandchild (whether by blood or marriage) of the aged family member. It is the OPs parents that are directly hit, and the OP who is indirectly hit by the issues this multi-generational housing is creating.

[Summering]

I know in my old state it took a doctor to sign that a assisted living was needed for someones family member.
Since he is a danger to the home with leaving the stove on and such, the doctor might be inclined to make that possible.
For some reason I think they had to go from the hospital to the state run home. But that man did go into the hospital and to the home from there.
It was a great relief for the extended family who kept leaving him on each others doorstep. He had altzheimers and was
so difficult to handle.
Yes, and check with VA about his condition. It looks like it will be difficult to get this man to part with any funds.

[forum_browser]

If he has all his faculties, it is beyond selfish for him to expect his relatives to struggle to support him financially and care for him without respite while he sits on funds that could alleviate their burden. Those aren't the actions of a decent person. However, if he is forgetting to turn off stoves and lighting draperies on fire, and is not eating properly or bathing, is is possible that he is in the early stages of dementia?

[debzkidz]

Originally Posted by forum_browser

If he has all his faculties, it is beyond selfish for him to expect his relatives to struggle to support him financially and care for him without respite while he sits on funds that could alleviate their burden. Those aren't the actions of a decent person. However, if he is forgetting to turn off stoves and lighting draperies on fire, and is not eating properly or bathing, is is possible that he is in the early stages of dementia?

This is exactly how my FIL was. Once, after being hospitalized, he refused to go to any kind of rehab, or assisted living place until he was completely well, so my SIL took him home with the understanding that she would hire someone to come and take care of him while she was at work and that he was to pay for it. They agreed on what he is willing to pay someone to do this. So she hires someone she knows to come over and stay with him for the agreed upon amount. This lady didn't just stay while my SIL was at work, but she stayed around the clock for an entire week. In addition to staying with him she also cooked and cleaned the entire house, and did all my SIL's families laundry. After a week, when it was time for her to leave, all my FIL was willing to give her was $40. $40 for an entire week, and then he acted like she was ripping him off. It was not long after this that my SIL told him he had to move out. So he ended moving into an assisted living place for a couple of months, until he convinced my other SIL to let him live with her. Once he was living with her, he was more willing to help out financially. I guess he realized it was much cheaper to giver her some money for groceries and utilities than it was to pay for an assisted living facility.

What your parent are going to have to do is point out that helping with expenses etc will still be much less expensive than his moving to some other facility. If he's not willing to help out that way, then they will have to lay down the law, either help out, or leave.

[Briolat21]

Why does everyone suggest dementia for everything? Sorry, pet peeve of mine. But the person the OP wrote in about is 96. Not 85. Not 71. 96. The "forgetting to turn the stove off", could in fact just be forgetting to turn the stove off.

My father, in his 40's would have burned the house to the ground had he been responsible for cooking (his answer for anything on our gas stove was - "TURN THE FLAMES HIGHER".

Some people are just not competent around the kitchen. If the man had a wife, or wives, and then lived with his daughter... seriously, the whole burner thing is not that suprising.

I forget to turn the oven off all the time. Turn oven on, make meal, take meal out of oven, serve meal ..... 40 minutes later husband will ask, "does the oven need to be on?" and I'm not yet 40, but with enough other stuff on my mind that the silly "turning off" part seems to escape me on regular basis.

And since the OP isn't really weighing back in, I think this was mostly a rant. Also, the OP doesn't say "grandfather" (says, My father's father) - so maybe he's just a pissed off person who's irritated that their life has changed now that this older person is in the house.

Which doesn't take away from the fact that if the 96 year old has some money, then some of that money should be used to pay for his care.

I don't know - just beginning to think the person just wants to hear "This is how you kick an old man out on the street". Perhaps I'm in a bad mood this morning. Maybe time for more caffeine.