Caring for negative people

[beachmel]

Originally Posted by R_Cowgirl

Looking - there are numerous chat rooms, groups, and blogs set up to help people in your situation. Many boomers are in the same boat where they care for elderly parents and have young kids or 20-somethings living at home. It can get to anyone after awhile. And with a parent who isn't easy in the first place, all sorts of old feelings get churned up.

If you have a church or a local charity focused on eldercare, ask them about a support group - or search for one online. This can be an awful experience, or it can be an opportunity for you to understand yourself and your relationship with your father better. I went through some things with my mom that sound similar. She invented negative. It became a game with my brothers and I to count the number of times she could turn a normal happy conversation into a downer. We found a group through our church where we could commiserate and give each other advice.

One person gave me a gem. She asked me how much I knew about my mom's childhood. I realized I didn't know very much. The next time we visited, I started asking mom questions about her elementary school. Then we went on to sports, her first crush, high school, did she go to college (I didn't know!!) And what her hobbies were as a girl. By directing the conversation to a long time ago, I pulled her from her negativity. And if she started getting negative, I would ask another question that took her in a different direction.

Don't get me wrong, she is still amazingly negative. BUT - I know more about her, and understanding her history and her story has made me more tolerant. It seems the negativity has gone down a lot since I showed interest in her life.

One day I had an "aha!" She is heading into her 9th decade. A lot of her childhood dreams and goals never materialized. There was a lot of struggle in her life. She doesn't know what it was all about or if it was worth it. She aches all the time. But she still doesn't want to let go. She misses my father, but isn't ready to go yet. It's a purgatory of sorts. And missed goals and dreams rarely can be recaptured or tried again at 90.

We will all get to that place - if we live long enough. We will all reach an age where there's not a lot of do-overs, and we will all look across the vast expanse of our life and wonder if it was worth it. See your dad for the boy he once was, the man he became, and appreciate the contributions he made even if he was negative about it. Who knows? Changing your focus might help you both. That's not putting any of the responsibility for his attitude on you, it's just a recognition that when we stop letting them push our buttons they sometimes back off.

YES! This is an excellent way to get through that wall and develop a different picture of someone. Finding out more of their past can definitely increase our understanding and compassion. As you said, it can also soften a person, because they realize that you actually CARE. Gone is the feeling that you just don't understand. Also, some of these elderly folks have spent so many years burying those feelings, (because you didn't TALK about the past!), that they can be like ticking time bombs!

[Briolat21]

My father is actually quite pleasant (in general!) to be around. However, he becomes Mr. Doom and Gloom whenever you're talking about a new plan..

"no.. no.. no.. that won't work!" - before he's even heard it. He is (annoyingly) also this way with his sport's teams.

We basically laugh it off and/or ignore it. I admit, if he were at his core a negative person, or mean - it would be hard to do. But he has a good sense of humor, and I can usually tease him out of his doom and gloom. Which I do by anticipating what his complaints will be "yes, I know, the contraption will fail, because it depends on electricity, and a moth will fly into the power plant generator and the entire city will lose power, just so that your air-circulating mattress pad will fail!!".

Usually the more ridiculous the story the better.

"Yes, I understand that peanut butter made in the old days by crushing peanuts by hand tastes better, so if I buy 10,000 peanuts right now and we all crush an average of 100 peanuts a day, perhaps we will have peanutbutter by Christmas.. or should I just open the new can of JIF ?"

anyway.. I'm very lucky my parents (who still do drive me insane at times) are such good-humored and pleasant people to deal with. My sympathies to those of you who are dealing routinely with less-pleasant personalities.

[R_Cowgirl]

Originally Posted by Briolat21

My father is actually quite pleasant (in general!) to be around. However, he becomes Mr. Doom and Gloom whenever you're talking about a new plan..

"no.. no.. no.. that won't work!" - before he's even heard it. He is (annoyingly) also this way with his sport's teams.

We basically laugh it off and/or ignore it. I admit, if he were at his core a negative person, or mean - it would be hard to do. But he has a good sense of humor, and I can usually tease him out of his doom and gloom. Which I do by anticipating what his complaints will be "yes, I know, the contraption will fail, because it depends on electricity, and a moth will fly into the power plant generator and the entire city will lose power, just so that your air-circulating mattress pad will fail!!".

Usually the more ridiculous the story the better.

"Yes, I understand that peanut butter made in the old days by crushing peanuts by hand tastes better, so if I buy 10,000 peanuts right now and we all crush an average of 100 peanuts a day, perhaps we will have peanutbutter by Christmas.. or should I just open the new can of JIF ?"

anyway.. I'm very lucky my parents (who still do drive me insane at times) are such good-humored and pleasant people to deal with. My sympathies to those of you who are dealing routinely with less-pleasant personalities.

Briolat - you bring up a really good point. We had a guy in one of our associations who was heading into his late 70's. He was always a grump and when I joined the association many people warned me about him. So I thought I'd try something different. Kind of like your response Briolat. I would wave my hand in the air and say, "You're so funny! I KNOW you are just egging people on, you crafty ol' SOB. I have your number!" Then I'd laugh and give him a little squeeze. It caught him off guard the first time. Then after that he would say something they all would expect, then look over at me and wink conspiratorially. He never said a bad thing about me after that. Never complained about me or to me. He liked having a "partner in crime" and no one else could figure out why he didn't bug me like he bugged them. Unfortunately that doesn't work on my mom. But it may help someone on this thread!

[JulieT726]

You love them and take a step back and realizer this complete independent person who could do everything for themselves and raised their families not to care for them but to have their own families to care for. Hinder is how they feel totally useless and remember when they were able to bathe themselves and wipe their behinds and not ever have to worry about forgetting to swallow. Not to mention when they are finally in an elder care facility they don't mean to but feel abandon and hate themselves for feeling like that towards the ones they raised to care for themselves and their families. They sometimes don't understand howcome they don't have insurance or that the government has and always will be taking SS away from the elderly and enough insurance to ensure they get the equipment and treatment they need to live with a bit of dignity. It is awful. I am a CNA I make piddly wages but this is the best job I have ever had besides becoming a parent. I have to myself remember the that the lady who is screaming for help all night has altimzers and for the life of her every five minutes doesn't know where she is. I couldn't imagine how scared that person who can't walk because they fell and broke a hip and can't remember breaking their hip. I am constantly running down my halls to make sure I make it to their room in time to redirect and reassure I am only there to help and their loved ones are at home sleeping at 4am in the morning. I do my best and with the cuts healthcare is taking is so unfair and unjust to these people who need just a few more months of exercise to get a little stronger so they can be a little independent again. No its just bye bye sorry your insurance ran out you don't have enough SS income to pay for your stay here. It breaks my heart. I wish I would of went to business school to open just a facility to help the ones who do go home and need that extra care to get a little stronger and teach them how to work with their new disabilty in their own home till they are secure and strong enough to help themselves. I blew it now I am a single mom struggling to make it and have no insurance myself because I am a rich woman who only makes 28k a year and that is what I have to raise my daughter on she doesn't even have insurance. I can only speak for myself and few others I work with that I know we do our best to make them comfortable loved and treat them with dignity and somehow gave them some happiness while they were with us. When your parent is rude to the help at a facility let them be we are use to it. Some workers might not like it but it comes with our job. I love LOVE LOVE my job just wish it paid better. Redirect give them confidence and reassurance that whatever you do for them that you don't mind that you love them and want to take care of them even if your going bald from pulling your hair out and don't feel guilty for not visiting every single day. Just make sure you visit. They love you and feel so ashamed a lot of times and I can't even imagine how that must really feel, I know no matter what my child decides to do with me I will never blame her and am going to rock that care facility the best I can. Take care God Bless!!!!

[looking4answers12]

Julie,

I wish you were my Dad's CNA! You are so positive, undertanding and empathetic. You give a lot of great advice and mentioned a few things that are frustrating to so many. For example, people not getting the help they need because they don't have enough insurance coverage.

God bless you and your daughter. The world needs more people like you!

[JulieT726]

Thanks so much. I appreciate your comments and hope we all get blessed in a way to give back to the elderly and really make a difference. Its hard to go back to school I work 3 or 4 nights a week and 12 hour nights. My child is in 6th grade and I am so frustrated because I can't help her with math it is beyond what I did in highschool 25 years ago. I have no financial help with her father nothing at all and make a whole 28k a year and work in a right to work state where the companies you work for can do just about anything and even worse live in a very rural area. You practically need a resume to work at McDonalds here in town. I am considered middle class here in Bullhead City. I want so bad to go to school but can't afford it, make time for it because of the fact my child only has me to depend on. I am so frustrated get very few hours sleep and am always broke.Plus no health insurance for my child or myself because I am a rich single mom here in town making my 28k a year why can't I afford insurance that costs as much as I pay rent here a month. Babysitting is so expensive I feel like I work to pay them. How would I pay more for babysitting if I started school. Anyone with any suggestions please post and give me a few ideas I might not have thought of. I don't want and can't leave my job I love my job and the residents are like an extended family and I have to make sure I know how they are doing. I really can't get a job that pays more in a different kind of business here McDonalds pays more to start out then a cna here in town plus they get benefits. I wish I knew what I could do. I have looked in those "get money for college books" Lesko and others just to find I still can't find any loans or grants that would pay for housing babysitting and food while I went back to school to get what I need to open my own place. I have no idea how to make a business plan and financially see where we would be at in 10 years. Heck I just feel plain stupid sometimes and work so hard for so little. If my kid is going to be depending on her grades to get to college and I don't have a lot of time to help her with the other homework other than math then she will be so far behind. It took every ounce of us from fighting to coming to the middle in a lot heated arguements and late late nights of homework to get her from D's and F's last year and last year she had recess this year middle school she has lunch when she was in fith grade I would have her skip a recess and have one on one with her teacher to help her with math homework. I don't want to fail her and I can't quit my job because I need it to support us. Sometimes I just feel like throwing my hands up and standing in the welfare line. I can't because I just can't do it go on welfare and leave the residents and be in that cycle of absolute one firey hoop after another. Plus if I can work and I do love my job why would I leave it because it is an easier road but I can't take that road so please pray for us that I figure this out so I can be a mom and do what I love to take care of the elderly. God Bless to all and hang in there folks we all get frusrtated then a lot of the times regret how we react or what we say. Love Julie and Trintiy

[LePew]

I was just going to start a tread about this. I moved in with my father about a year ago. His is a downer, sees the glass as half empty, points out the negative and regrets most decisions. It's hard having a normal conversation with him, because of his perspective and it is also sometimes just disturbing. I cope by not responding to the negativity, but sometimes when it's inflammatory I do react. Sometimes it seems he just tries to bring others down.

Here's a couple examples.

He saw that his cats had clawed a chair. He's had cats for years, so it's nothing new. It just caught his eye and he yelled "OH SH--!" Now, most people not knowing better would run over and see what is wrong. But I pretended like I didn't hear him and let him move along.

Another, I wasn't involved in. He was at a drug store and wanted to buy chips which were 2 for 1. He insisted to the cashier that he get one for half off. She said no and he threatened to dump the chips all over the floor.

And today... I am almost ready to launch a new business that I have worked on over the last couple years. He told me today, "why do you think that will work? Why would you get any business? Why would you get business by just doing ___? " Now I've explained it all to him before that I would be doing multiple marketing strategies. I have very little competition and my competition is doing well. I know this line of businesses. I've even developed a better product. I feel like I have accomplished something I have been working for a long time, which is something new and challenging. And as I'm almost finished, he asks,"well, why would you get any business?" Talk about trying to kick someone. I have to hold my tongue a lot around him, treating him like an unstable mental patient. But this time I told him I didn't need the negativity and I had told him my marketing/biz plans, like 20 times already and had to walk away.

Blowing thinks off and not acknowledging the negativity is the best way to maintain your sanity. Also, make note of the good things in your life so you don't focus on negative people.

[looking4answers12]

Thanks you. Sometimes I ignore. Sometimes I confront.
I am fortunate that we have some good days along with the bad days.

Good luck with your new business!

[LePew]

Originally Posted by looking4answers12

Thanks you. Sometimes I ignore. Sometimes I confront.
I am fortunate that we have some good days along with the bad days.

Good luck with your new business!

Thank you. I wrote another tread about my father. I know your father and mine have always been a bit negative. What helped me is to realize that he has had some hard times in his early life that has resulted in displaced anger. I'm sure your and my father would have been easier to be around if they had more ideal parents. So at least I can give him a little bit of a break, because he had a rough childhood. So I have shifted some of my frustrations to just feeling sorry for him, and that helps.