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My father just had a heart bypass. I felt it was like a second chance and flew 6000 miles to see him as soon as I heard of his heart attack. I was with him for the 5 weeks he waited for the operation. I was there on the night of the operation in case he woke up and was scared and wanted to see a friendly face. I visited him twice a day as he recovered. Once he got home he was miserable again, stopped doing his excersises, forgot to take his meds, and when reminded shouted and complained. I left my wife of just 5 months to spend time with him and my mum (I do not mean left as in divorced, we live in a different country to my parents) and feel so depressed. I say I heard something on the news, and he says he has heard it. I comment on something in the news and he argues I am wrong. We watch crap on tv I speak (or indeed my mother speaks) and he gets mad. He turns the tv on and there are just 10 mins left of a football game and suddenly nothing is more critical than these 10 mins and he will not speak or gets angry if anyone speaks. He has lost the ability to communicate. Smile,be happy, even compliment food and I gaurNtee even if the best chef in the world cooked for him he would have a nasty or thoughtless comment to say about the food.
He is driving me crazy. I leave in a few days and am so worried about my mum who will be left to put up with him in fact I have promised her I will be back in 2 months just to spend 10 days or so to help her.I am relieved to let this out, but also feel so guilty because I can not cope and drink a bottle of wine each night for the last month as a coping mechanism (which I know is stupid, but at this point in time makes me feel better)..
I want to know something is wrong and not believe his is just mean and nasty
This is not uncommon for someone after heart bypass. Also the anesthetic after effects "stays in their body for a long time" especially for seniors. My mother's cardiologist told me that and I was surprised.
Tell your mom she's in for a rocky ride and just DO NOT argue with him it will lead nowhere and he'll just become more difficult.
There are physical side effects AND mental ones that you cannot change. He needs MEDICAL intervention for depression etc but when they won't take the meds it's tough.
He's medically ill AND feels crappy AND facing his own mortality.
I've done all that you are describing. After a successful 5 graph bypass and good prognosis - mother went off her meds, caused her own stroke and ended up in a nursing home on a feeding tube rotting away for a year then dying.
NOTHING anybody could do for her; she was STUBBORN.
That being said isn't he due for a follow up with the cardiologists? I'd ask them for help even sending him to a psychiatrist even if you have to lie about it until you get there.
My father just had a heart bypass. I felt it was like a second chance and flew 6000 miles to see him as soon as I heard of his heart attack. I was with him for the 5 weeks he waited for the operation. I was there on the night of the operation in case he woke up and was scared and wanted to see a friendly face. I visited him twice a day as he recovered. Once he got home he was miserable again, stopped doing his excersises, forgot to take his meds, and when reminded shouted and complained. I left my wife of just 5 months to spend time with him and my mum (I do not mean left as in divorced, we live in a different country to my parents) and feel so depressed. I say I heard something on the news, and he says he has heard it. I comment on something in the news and he argues I am wrong. We watch crap on tv I speak (or indeed my mother speaks) and he gets mad. He turns the tv on and there are just 10 mins left of a football game and suddenly nothing is more critical than these 10 mins and he will not speak or gets angry if anyone speaks. He has lost the ability to communicate. Smile,be happy, even compliment food and I gaurNtee even if the best chef in the world cooked for him he would have a nasty or thoughtless comment to say about the food.
He is driving me crazy. I leave in a few days and am so worried about my mum who will be left to put up with him in fact I have promised her I will be back in 2 months just to spend 10 days or so to help her.I am relieved to let this out, but also feel so guilty because I can not cope and drink a bottle of wine each night for the last month as a coping mechanism (which I know is stupid, but at this point in time makes me feel better)..
I want to know something is wrong and not believe his is just mean and nasty
Another classic example.... he is likely very depressed.
It is very common after a heart attack, and certainly after heart bypass, to become depressed. Older men often become mean and nasty, and withdraw when they are depressed. Coming face to face with life changing and potentially life ending health problems will shake up even the most stable person. Sometimes a need for control can lead to really bad and rude behaviors. But much of this change grows out of fear.... fear of dying... fear of becoming helpless and dependent upon others. This is rough for many men. And as you can imagine, is VERY ROUGH on their family and caregivers.
You need to call his doctor, let them know about his personality changes and concern you have for him (and your mother....) and ask if the doctor can see him and assess for this. And TREAT it. The cardiologist, unfortunately, will probably not be very helpful. The primary care doctor is your best bet. If he hasn't seen his primary care doctor since having the surgery, that is a good excuse for making an appointment... since this doctor need to see how he is doing anyway. If you are concerned that your father may refuse a medication for depression, tell his doctor this and ask if there is any way he can use his influence to convince your father to treat it. Sometimes by not calling it depression... calling it a change in "mood" that commonly happens after heart surgery... helps. And then emphasizing that these mood changes can disrupt sleep, disrupt motivation for doing exercises etc... and these things will decrease his chance of recovery after surgery. The doctor can emphasize that he MUST treat these mood changes or else he will not recover as well. And that is actually medically accurate.
Good luck. Do this... for your Mom, not only for your Dad.
Often hired caregivers can tolerate your father's bad behaviors/negativity better then we can. It is because your father's words are not quite as "personal" to them....
^^^^^^This. These caregivers are trained to deal with the elderly and are not surprised when they are difficult. It doesn't hurt their feelings like it does yours. So, since this is the case.....Stop going every day. Seriously. He has 24/7 care for his physical needs, and I'm sure they all have your number and will call you immediately if something is wrong. Start by going every other day, and then stretch it out further as needed. A couple of times a week seems reasonable to me when the elderly person already has someone there 24/7. Take a whole week off a couple of times a year and tell him you're going on vacation....and actually do it if you can.
Another classic example.... he is likely very depressed.
It is very common after a heart attack, and certainly after heart bypass, to become depressed. Older men often become mean and nasty, and withdraw when they are depressed. Coming face to face with life changing and potentially life ending health problems will shake up even the most stable person. Sometimes a need for control can lead to really bad and rude behaviors. But much of this change grows out of fear.... fear of dying... fear of becoming helpless and dependent upon others. This is rough for many men. And as you can imagine, is VERY ROUGH on their family and caregivers.
You need to call his doctor, let them know about his personality changes and concern you have for him (and your mother....) and ask if the doctor can see him and assess for this. And TREAT it. The cardiologist, unfortunately, will probably not be very helpful. The primary care doctor is your best bet. If he hasn't seen his primary care doctor since having the surgery, that is a good excuse for making an appointment... since this doctor need to see how he is doing anyway. If you are concerned that your father may refuse a medication for depression, tell his doctor this and ask if there is any way he can use his influence to convince your father to treat it. Sometimes by not calling it depression... calling it a change in "mood" that commonly happens after heart surgery... helps. And then emphasizing that these mood changes can disrupt sleep, disrupt motivation for doing exercises etc... and these things will decrease his chance of recovery after surgery. The doctor can emphasize that he MUST treat these mood changes or else he will not recover as well. And that is actually medically accurate.
Good luck. Do this... for your Mom, not only for your Dad.
I agree that going through his primary care physician and not calling it depression may be the best idea.
Being very ill or dying can be just as hard on the person doing the dying as it is on the family. Don't take hurtful comments to heart. Try to remember the nice things they said to you.
My daughter lost her father in law just 3 weeks ago and he was ill for almost a year. A very friendly, loving man that adored my daughter and his wife and son....got very sick, hospice came in and then he became very rude, angry at times and very depressed. My mom did the same thing, said some hurtful things to me at the end before she could no longer speak and I suppose she felt it my fault for not getting her over her "cold" as she put it. Hang on the good things. Best of luck.
Both of my parents are very negative and always have been as long as I have known them.
My mother decided to get on an antidepressant years ago and while it did help, her underlying issues were never dealt with so she never really got much better.
When my mother first started showing signs of dementia she would go from a weird laughing state to a really negative dark state. Since her dementia has progressed she has become VERY abusive, both verbally and physically! While not able to really communicate (She cannot respond back to our questions much anymore and cannot tell us how she feels and most of her sentences are a garble of made up words that don't go together) she sure can blurt out some nasty things and has the mouth of a sailor! I realize that this is common with people with dementia but I think she is worse due to her previous history of depression, negativity etc.
Due to my Mom's situation we finally were able to convince my Dad to go on an antidepressant. He should have been on one years ago but used alcohol as his drug to turn to....which in turn even made him more negative and depressed. I have seen a great improvement, especially with his ability to deal with Mom's combative state, since going on it. He still is not the easiest person to be around but at least I can be around him for longer periods of time before it starts to really wear on me.
I would highly suggest that you look into this for your Dad. Although it will not "change" your Dad it can make interactions with them much better. And it may take trying a few different one's to see which one works best for him. And he MUST be consistent with taking it and everyone needs to give it at least 2-4 weeks to see whether or not they see some improvement.
Hang in there! I KNOW what you are going through!!
Im the caregiver for my 97 year old Mother. She lives next door to me .. and some part of every day is designed around her needs. I clean her house.. her yard.. organize her medications.. make her appts.. care for her nails, hair.. basically are her needs. I am a baby boomer and have 5 grands that I also often keep.. I love her dearly .. but mostly her conversations have a negative .. but my biggest problem is her being negative about me. She makes negative remarks about me in front of other family members. Sometimes.. she fusses at me behind my back and I either hear her from afar or walk into the house and catch it. Today I was doing an errand for her.. drove my car up to her screened back porch. I hear her complaining and fussing as if she's really mad at someone. When I get closer I find that she is fussing at me for buying the wrong size batteries for her porch hand fan. It could be a little funny to others as hearing her say" I can't tell her ass anything". I try not to let it bother me.. but it does. I try very hard to make her comfortable and happy .. but I can never trust what she says about me to others or behind my back. I am the only one taking care of her.. as my other sibling has poor health. I need coping support too.. hang in there
Im the caregiver for my 97 year old Mother. She lives next door to me .. and some part of every day is designed around her needs. I clean her house.. her yard.. organize her medications.. make her appts.. care for her nails, hair.. basically are her needs. I am a baby boomer and have 5 grands that I also often keep.. I love her dearly .. but mostly her conversations have a negative .. but my biggest problem is her being negative about me. She makes negative remarks about me in front of other family members. Sometimes.. she fusses at me behind my back and I either hear her from afar or walk into the house and catch it. Today I was doing an errand for her.. drove my car up to her screened back porch. I hear her complaining and fussing as if she's really mad at someone. When I get closer I find that she is fussing at me for buying the wrong size batteries for her porch hand fan. It could be a little funny to others as hearing her say" I can't tell her ass anything". I try not to let it bother me.. but it does. I try very hard to make her comfortable and happy .. but I can never trust what she says about me to others or behind my back. I am the only one taking care of her.. as my other sibling has poor health. I need coping support too.. hang in there
I'm so sorry you have to experience this. While these statements may seem small, they are quite cruel.
Sometimes it is ok to just ignore her/not listen when she goes on a rant. I am trying to perfect this technique.
Sometimes it is ok to just sadly accept that your mother is not the same person, and that she is old/lonely/in pain and this reflects her poor coping mechanisms.
Sometimes it is ok to say "I'm upset. That hurt my feelings....", and to walk away for awhile.
Like everyone above me said, there are cycles. I noticed something interesting. It only happens when negative things add up and dad just loses it. He doesn't seems bad afterwards, but you can tell, he can't bear it later on. I know there are scumbags in life that try to get your money, but it doesn't mean you have to give up on all hope and be a jerk to everyone. I mean life can be tough I admit but that's part of LIFE. Without stress and problems life wouldn't be what life is. And later on he brings up negative things in the past that have absolutely NOTHING to do with what's going on at the moment.
So my suggestion is if your up for it, confront him at a good time and say something positive to incite him to listen to you.
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