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Old 11-27-2012, 04:38 PM
 
4,250 posts, read 307,399 times
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I wasnt abused by my mother but she definately neglected three out of the five children she had. I am lucky that I live so far away, but my sister lives only 3 miles away and she is wonderful to my mother.

Guilt plays a huge part. Also wanting approval from that parent can also play a part ; no matter how small the approval is, its better than none.

Funny ; her two children that she spoiled, end up not doing anything for her but yet she has still them on a pedistal. I call my mother once a week, tell her nothing and list listen to her rant, rave and gossip about people. I will provide financially whatever she needs, but I will not give her any emotonial help ; that part is too difficult for me.
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Old 11-28-2012, 08:19 AM
 
398 posts, read 235,845 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by okaydorothy View Post
I wasnt abused by my mother but she definately neglected three out of the five children she had. I am lucky that I live so far away, but my sister lives only 3 miles away and she is wonderful to my mother.

Guilt plays a huge part. Also wanting approval from that parent can also play a part ; no matter how small the approval is, its better than none.

Funny ; her two children that she spoiled, end up not doing anything for her but yet she has still them on a pedistal. I call my mother once a week, tell her nothing and list listen to her rant, rave and gossip about people. I will provide financially whatever she needs, but I will not give her any emotonial help ; that part is too difficult for me.
I just have to say that I really appreciate that you have set limits---clear and to the point. Good for you!!

I think just about everyone who has raised children knows the value of setting limits and how important that the limits be fair and balanced and known to everyone. The kids grow-up knowing where they stand and how to conduct themselves and have their feet firmly planted on the road to developing a sound set of values.

Having said all that I so often wonder why we have the same issues---over and over again---when it comes to setting limits with the older the ill and the infirm. Old people are losing their abilities to manage things for themselves and may not even realize it as it is happening. If ANYONE needed clear and well-defined limits I should think that the folks I mentioned would be in that category. I do not believe we are doing said individuals any kindness by not keeping things as clear and concise as possible. IMHO it is not unreasonable to set limits with older individuals than it is for children.

FWIW.
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Old 11-28-2012, 02:55 PM
 
890 posts, read 530,101 times
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..let 'em pound sand.
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:58 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
5,857 posts, read 3,901,231 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tijlover View Post
Do your research, and find out whether or not your parents were abused as children by their parents, as, oftentimes, this is "inherited", and if so, forgiveness may seep in, like with me.

I didn't find out, until it was almost too late, that my Father was cruelly abused by his Father (always wondered why he ran away from home at 16!) and I can't say I was cruelly abused by my Father, but the abuse was there all along. Also, realizing, my Father never wanted chldren in the first place (my mother insisted upon it!) I finally forgave him and ended up, in his later years, to love him more than my mother, who coddled me! And I never asked for any apologies!!! Love, compassion, that's what did it!!!

How many true crime books have I read, where I learned much about "inherited" child abuse. Some of these parents, who swear to the skies they'd never treat their children the way they were treated, go on, what I would call, automatic pilot! They repeatedly hit the brakes, but the brakes fail them!
What a wonderful post. Thank you for adding to this thread.
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:26 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
7,990 posts, read 5,451,705 times
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^^ I agree with the above post. Sometimes, it's hard to find out IF your parents were abused though, as they either don't want to talk about it, or they gloss things over, as is the case with many of the folks born in the first quarter of the 1900's.

Another thing I've noticed is this, even with myself, I can remember situations where I got severely punished, but I can forgive, because I DID deserve consequences for some of my actions. Maybe I didn't deserve as severe a punishment as I received, but I don't know exactly what was going on in my parents' live at that moment. For all I know, there was a whole lot of sh*t going down and my behavior was just the straw that broke the camel's back at the time.

Some folks were raised with horrendous parents. It's amazing how, if we pull ourselves out of a self-pitying state, many of us can realize just how "not so bad" our parents were. I mean, when you look at what SOME people had to endure, as children....the majority of us had pretty "okay" parents. LOL

I've also observed this in life. Most parents try to make their children's lives "better" than they perceived their own childhoods to have been. `That alone, should give us pause. If we think OUR childhoods were awful, but they tried to make ours better, just how awful was their childhood?
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Old 12-02-2012, 03:16 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 1,066,576 times
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I think a lot of people struggle with that question. It seems many people have been abused in one way or another. There are so many types of abuse.
I think that the type of abuse would certainly factor into how much involvement that abused person would have. Of course there are a lot of other factors as well.

If you are asking this question because you were abused in some way, I think the most important thing for you to know is that it is possible to make sure a person is cared for, without actually having to do the hands on caregiving yourself.

Only the person in the situation can determine how much they want to give of themselves. It's different for each of us. My advice to you is to really research what ALL of your options are and know yourself well enough to know exactly how much you can handle without breaking.

Just because a person brought you into this world does not mean they are entitled to your lifelong servitude.

Love and respect have to be (or should be) mutual.
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Old 12-04-2012, 07:54 AM
 
398 posts, read 235,845 times
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Eh....may I also add that what was once considered "discipline" is now viewed as "abuse" and that needs to be taken into account. Physical punishment and forms of deprivation which might have been acceptable in the 19th Century are now shown to be essentially "child abuse" and are, in their own fashion, toxic to the child's development, leaving much scarring to body and soul.

FWIW.
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Old 12-04-2012, 08:17 AM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
6,628 posts, read 6,778,547 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
Wondering what you would do if the situation ever arouse where a parent who was abusive to you as a child needed to be taken care of?
I would do nothing. A parent who abuses their child has no right to expect anything from the child they abused. They lost that right.
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Old 06-17-2013, 02:13 AM
 
1,433 posts, read 1,293,512 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tijlover View Post
Do your research, and find out whether or not your parents were abused as children by their parents, as, oftentimes, this is "inherited", and if so, forgiveness may seep in, like with me.

I didn't find out, until it was almost too late, that my Father was cruelly abused by his Father (always wondered why he ran away from home at 16!) and I can't say I was cruelly abused by my Father, but the abuse was there all along. Also, realizing, my Father never wanted chldren in the first place (my mother insisted upon it!) I finally forgave him and ended up, in his later years, to love him more than my mother, who coddled me! And I never asked for any apologies!!! Love, compassion, that's what did it!!!

How many true crime books have I read, where I learned much about "inherited" child abuse. Some of these parents, who swear to the skies they'd never treat their children the way they were treated, go on, what I would call, automatic pilot! They repeatedly hit the brakes, but the brakes fail them!
Abuse is a choice, not an inherited condition. Once you become an adult you own the consequences of your actions, because you're old enough to know right from wrong. "Inheritance" is a pathetic excuse to avoid personal responsibility.
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Old 06-21-2013, 07:52 AM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,044 posts, read 4,459,536 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alkonost View Post
Abuse is a choice, not an inherited condition. Once you become an adult you own the consequences of your actions, because you're old enough to know right from wrong. "Inheritance" is a pathetic excuse to avoid personal responsibility.
This. Right here.

I was severely abused as a kid. Physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually.

It would have been so easy to either avoid relationships or to become abusive myself. When you become an adult, you have choices. Those choices are yours and yours alone. There comes a point that you own your choices and the consequences that follow.

I tried to forgive and forget with my mother, the source of the physical, mental and emotional abuse. She would "behave" for a little while and then fall back into her old ways but no longer physical. I had to cut ties. I tried again to let her have a relationship with my kids. I called home one day and my five year old was crying telling me things grandma said to her. It was a mind game guilt trip. On a five year old!!! I went nuts and called and screamed at her and told her to never do it again and promised her she'd never see her grand kids again. She then lived 13 hours away.

I resolved when I had kids to do everything she didn't and nothing she did. She died in 2007. I hold no guilt for cutting ties. I went and paid my respects and so did my girls.

You owe nothing to an abusive parent. You did not choose to be born. You can choose what you will and will not accept going forward. Those are your choices. Be thankful for the family you have and take joy in your life that you chose. That will get you through the roughest of days. Best of luck with your situation. Do what's right for you.
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